Sacrifice (edit)

[Dalena]

Sacrifice

I’m running away from you
because you have the sweetest smile
and most beautiful soul.

I remember your laughter
before you scattered it around
other names in other cities.

I don’t want to connect
with your beauty because it’ll hurt
too much when you run away
from my incapacity to connect.

My guarded self was so easily
opened by your honesty and compassion.

I’m not worthy of experiencing
the beauty you release
others are more worthy to envelope
in what you have to offer.

The hurt I know you’ll give
will find the entrance
and make itself at home inside.

I’m walking away while I
still have secrets of my world un-revealed.

There’s too much carnage in my universe
for you to consume without it poisoning
you to death...

and I don’t want to kill you.





My sacrifice (Original)
I’m going to run away from you because
you have the sweetest smile and most beautiful soul
I remember all the times I saw them before
belonging to other names in other cities
I don’t want to connect with your beauty because
it’ll hurt too much when you run away
from my incapacity to connect
my guarded self was so easily opened by
your honesty and compassion
I’m not worthy of experiencing the
beauty you release
others are more worthy to envelope in
what you have to offer.
If I stay in your presence, I’ll fall so hard
my heart will break open and the
hurt I know you’ll give will find the entrance
to make itself home inside.
I’m walking away from you while I still
have the secrets of my world un-revealed.
There’s too much carnage in my universe
for you to consume without them poisoning
you to death.
and I don’t want to kill you.

[smiffey]

Hi dalena,

I'm not sure if this is a narrator driven or personal piece.

If narrator driven, it has got across the emotion of the situation very well. However, I think there is a slight contradiction being conveyed here.

If I stay in your presence, I’ll fall so hard
my heart will break open and the
hurt I know you’ll give will find the entrance
to make itself home inside.

versus:

There’s too much carnage in my universe
for you to consume without them poisoning
you to death.

Who is worried about hurting whom?

If it's a personal piece, please ignore the above as emotions and conveying them can be quite muddling.

Cheers
smiffey

[Dalena]

Well, thank you for your reply Smiffey.......

It's poetentially mutually destrctive yet describes differing aspects from each person, that have the greatest negative effect.

"If I stay in your presence,"

"There’s too much carnage in my universe"

His presence that I would have to be around; my universe is more diverse.

I like your feedback as it helps me see how the poem reads, I hope to see how others might view this aspect.

I thank you for your kind reply.

Dalena x

[PhilipCFJohnson]

Simply splendid!

This kind of poem operates on my most comfortable level! It has such a beautiful candidness to it.


My only (small) comment is, (more of a question really) how do you think breaking it into stanzas would affect the overall read?

Anyways, I really like it!

All the best

Phil

[Suzanne]

Hi Dalena,
I enjoy your writing and it was nice to read from you again.
This stream of thought seems to fluid, a conversation in your mind about a conversation you may actually have.
Very honest writing,
Suzanne

[Danté]

Dalena

A thoughtful read, I think Phil has something with the idea of breaking this up a little.
The line breaks however seem pretty good to me,
I like the way you have used the lines in pairs in some of the poem.

Thanks for an enjoyable read

Danté

[Dalena]

Hi Guys


Not been around for a while.............decided to tidy up a couple of previous posts before jumping in again.....

Hope to catch up with some of you soon......

Dalena x

[Arian]

Hi Dalena,

I confess that, after s1, I had a sinking feeling that I was in for a collection of clichés. But you corrected that impression immediately with the dramatically different tone and excellent imagery of s2, followed by some other very strong lines – I particularly liked:

The hurt I know you’ll give
will find the entrance
and make itself at home inside.

There’s also an easy rhythm and simplicity of language that gave the piece an easy, fluid feel and a plaintive narrative.

I did stumble in a couple of places. In s5, for example – the repetition of worthy, and the use of “envelope” as a verb? I think you mean “envelop” – but that doesn’t quite work, either. How about bask, wallow...or something else? There's also a few places where I think punctuation is AWOL.

Otherwise a very nice piece
peter

[arunansu]

I like the revision more than the original one. The first three strophes are too good, and I simply love this line : There’s too much carnage in my universe

Great one.

[tool]

The poem is very visual,

It is though you fell in love with

Blooded Mohawk Indian ,

You on your mahogany horse

him on his stallion. tool