Picnic in September

[k-j]

"It's getting late:
we should head for home -
hey -
you hear me?"

[Dry grass bristling chafed cheek;
litre of cheap weak rosé;
jets
crawling, hushed,
across rough cirrus;
pale acrylic sky;
I, lolling
over to one side;
sun
lancing thru one eye;
ants;
the scent of pines;
you nudging me with your knee:
how do i say it /
what do i say /
and when?]

"Sorry -
was miles away -
say that again?"

[lemur]

Hi kj,

I like the middle stanza but not the other two, and I'm trying to work out why.

Maybe it's the language - lolling, lancing, cheek and cheap weak...it's like something you see through a purple eyelid on a sunny day. Maybe the other two stanzas are just too prosaic...still not defining this very well, am I.

And what is it you're waiting to say - a marriage proposal?

[Bombadil]

kj,

This is delightfully weird and inventive. I like where you're headed here--uncharted territory.

Good stuff.

Cheers,

Keith

[Spike]

Um.....wow *looks impressed*

[k-j]

lemur: thanks for the crit. I hear you about the prosaic 1st and 3rd, but it's tough for me because those are in quote marks - it has to be plausible speech. On the other hand it is ultra-prosaic. So I don't know. I'm not 100% about anything in this poem really. As for what the subject's trying to say - I actually had in mind a break-up / divorce! Ha ha. Not too dissimilar from a proposal I suppose.

Keef: aye, it's alright mucking about with these one-word lines, eh?

spike: come back! what about it is impressive? What didn't work for you? Just telling me that you look impressed is no use; help me out here.

[lemur]

Hi kj,

No qualms about 1 & 2 being plausible speech - they definitely do sound natural. I've just reread my earlier post and thought what a shit way of putting things...

What I meant was, I love the way the language captures impressions of a picnic, sunny day, etc, and this really worked for me - ie I can almost see the sunlight through my eyelid. I think what I didn't get was the juxtaposition of the natural speech with these poetic impressions...

If you were going for ambiguity in what the speaker is building up to say, then it's worked - if not, maybe alluding to it more in the title would help?

Just one other niggly point - why thru rather than through? (I'm someone who can't bring themselves to text u rather than you, though...)

[k-j]

The idea is that the "poetic" bit between the two voices is the mind distracting itself with sensations - slightly SOC maybe - and then an unwelcome thought. I went for "thru" because it's informal, but I agree with you, it doesn't really add anything and "through" is more consistent.

Once again, thanks for coming back on this. I appreciate it.

[barrie]

It takes back anyone who's ever been there. The emotion comes across, why worry about the words? - "Paint the soul, never mind the legs and arms!" - Don't ask me who said it.

If you pressed me to point out something then it would be "I, lolling over to one side" - It breaks the spell of the middle 'trance' verse.

[k-j]

If you pressed me to point out something then it would be "I, lolling over to one side" - It breaks the spell of the middle 'trance' verse.

Yeah, you're quite right. That's getting deleted. Thanks.

[Arcadian]

kj,

jets crawling ? - i dont like this doesn't soundquite right to me - think of a better image ( i cant help you here - lol )

again innovative use of punctuation

the square brackets ( no paranthesis this time) and forward slashes give the sense of upright ..perhaps a stature and forward slash ...case of inebriation ?

you are a genius ...this is found punctuation: a delightful discovery


plaudits vancouverite

arco

i always wanted to get into cryptogragphy! - you know search for million digit prime numbers to act as one way ciphers for public encryption keys

have you seen the film "pi" by any chance ?