Spirit Mind
You are a dust cloud;
swirling, rampant, vague.
You are a thunderstorm
of derisive rain
that pelts me to the ground.
You are an ocean swell;
wave after wave
that overwhelms
and swallows me whole.
You are a mountain;
snowy peaked,
north facing,
hard to climb.
You are an ice flow,
squeaking towards
warmer climes.
You are churned up mud
oozing with potential,
buried in earth
You are the scent of
impulse slithering
through my brain.
You are autumn dew;
hanging, expectant,
a mirror to my want.
You trickle onto
my exposed breast
and slide towards
my unease.
Trying my hand at anaphoric poetry. Any thoughts welcome so long as they make sense, please.
Edited version, based on feedback. Is it better? I hope so.
You are a dust cloud;
swirling, rampant, vague.
You are a thunderstorm of derisive rain
that pelts me to the ground.
You are an ocean swell;
wave after wave that overwhelms
and swallows me whole.
You are a mountain;
snowy peaked,north facing,hard to climb.
You are an ice flow,creaking towards
warmer climes.
You are churned up mud
oozing with potential, buried in earth
You are the scent of impulse
slithering through my brain.
You are autumn dew;
hanging, expectant,
a mirror to my want.
Re: Elphin's excellent suggestions, another version. Even better? Perhaps?
You are a dust cloud;
swirling, rampant, vague.
You are a thunderstorm
of derisive rain
that pelts me to the ground.
You are an ocean swell;
wave after wave that overwhelms.
You are a mountain;
snowy peaked, north facing.
You are an ice flow,
creaking towards warmer climes.
You are churned up mud
oozing with potential.
You are the scent of impulse
slithering through my brain.
You are autumn dew;
hanging, expectant,
a mirror to my want.
Spirit Mind
I myself know little about Anaphoric poetry. However, I found your piece an enjoyable read. Could longer lines have helped more? Just a thought.
squeaking towards
warmer climes
- are you sure 'squeaking' is the word?
You are autumn dew;
hanging, expectant,
a mirror to my want
- what about stopping the piece here?
Excellent effort.
squeaking towards
warmer climes
- are you sure 'squeaking' is the word?
You are autumn dew;
hanging, expectant,
a mirror to my want
- what about stopping the piece here?
Excellent effort.
Hi, thanks for the feedback. EEk! I actually meant to say: "creaking towards warmer climbs" referring to the noise ice makes when it is pushed together,a bit of a Fruedian slip perhaps?
As far as I know, anaphora is simply the repetition of a word/phrase at the beginning of successive lines/paragraphs in poetry or prose.
Will have a look at ending the piece where you say,and extending the lines, thanks again, this is a constructive critique.
As far as I know, anaphora is simply the repetition of a word/phrase at the beginning of successive lines/paragraphs in poetry or prose.
Will have a look at ending the piece where you say,and extending the lines, thanks again, this is a constructive critique.
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Yes, like the edited version better. Can someone be a swirling dust cloud and also a creaking ice flow? Yes, I think they probably can!
Rosencrantz: What are you playing at? Guildenstern: Words. Words. They're all we have to go on.
___________________________
Antiphon - www.antiphon.org.uk
___________________________
Antiphon - www.antiphon.org.uk
Hi there Kimibob,
I like it when someone is not afraid to experiment and I find it helps to expand our (the beginners at least) knowledge of the medium, giving us another style to try out - so thank you.
This sounds like nature taking the role of an imagined lover, or a lover likened to nature's forces - whatever it is, I like it.
Cheers
Smiffey
I like it when someone is not afraid to experiment and I find it helps to expand our (the beginners at least) knowledge of the medium, giving us another style to try out - so thank you.
This sounds like nature taking the role of an imagined lover, or a lover likened to nature's forces - whatever it is, I like it.
Cheers
Smiffey
Regards Andy Smith
Your poem was clear and rich,
a searching intellect that retires
the mind to thoughts of a singular
moment in your time.
just a little reworking will sharpen the readers mind;
but still it had beauty earth wind nature tool
a searching intellect that retires
the mind to thoughts of a singular
moment in your time.
just a little reworking will sharpen the readers mind;
but still it had beauty earth wind nature tool
Hi all,
many thanks for your comments.
To try and clear up what anaphoric poetry is; it is repetition of a word or phrase at the beginning of several successive sentences, verses, paragraphs to emphasise a point. Politicians use it in speeches, 'WE WILL FIGHT THEM ON THE BEACHES, WE WILL FIGHT THEM...' Also the 'Rhyme of the Ancient mariner': 'Water water everywhere,
and all the boards did shrink;
water, water everywhere
nor any drop to drink'
Also there is a poem by Simon Armitage called, 'Not The Furniture Game' "His hair was a crow fished out of a blocked chimney
and his eyes were boiled eggs with the tops hammered in
and his blink was a cat flap...' It goes on much like that, using the word 'and' over and over. Hope that helps and why not have a go! It is fun.
Kimi
many thanks for your comments.
To try and clear up what anaphoric poetry is; it is repetition of a word or phrase at the beginning of several successive sentences, verses, paragraphs to emphasise a point. Politicians use it in speeches, 'WE WILL FIGHT THEM ON THE BEACHES, WE WILL FIGHT THEM...' Also the 'Rhyme of the Ancient mariner': 'Water water everywhere,
and all the boards did shrink;
water, water everywhere
nor any drop to drink'
Also there is a poem by Simon Armitage called, 'Not The Furniture Game' "His hair was a crow fished out of a blocked chimney
and his eyes were boiled eggs with the tops hammered in
and his blink was a cat flap...' It goes on much like that, using the word 'and' over and over. Hope that helps and why not have a go! It is fun.
Kimi
A beautiful poem Kimibob. I think the second version has a smother flow to it.
You are autumn dew;
hanging, expectant,
a mirror to my want.
You trickle onto
my exposed breast
and slide towards
my unease.
I really like this part of your poem. Very thoughtful
You are autumn dew;
hanging, expectant,
a mirror to my want.
You trickle onto
my exposed breast
and slide towards
my unease.
I really like this part of your poem. Very thoughtful
Hi Pauline and Gazelle,
thanks for your supportive comments; it's always good to hear what people think so that we can become better writers.
Never thought that I would enjoy writing poetry so much, it's great!
Kimibob
thanks for your supportive comments; it's always good to hear what people think so that we can become better writers.
Never thought that I would enjoy writing poetry so much, it's great!
Kimibob
Kimibob
I didnt know thats what repition was called. I like your poem - can I make a couple of suggestions?
To reinforce the repetition I think each of your statements should be the same length either line length or syllables. I think the repitition is diluted by having differing line lengths e.g.
You are a dust cloud;
swirling, rampant, vague.
You are a thunderstorm
of derisive rain
that pelts me to the ground
Second idea which might help with the first is to condense each statement to its essence. Ask yourself what eash word adds. So for example
You are a mountain;
snowy peaked,
north facing,
hard to climb.
Do you need hard to climb as its implied in the the two descriptions?
You are an ocean swell;
wave after wave
that overwhelms
and swallows me whole
You could drop the last line and maybe last two as the reader can imply so much from the first two.
Just a couple of ideas - worth working on it.
elph
I didnt know thats what repition was called. I like your poem - can I make a couple of suggestions?
To reinforce the repetition I think each of your statements should be the same length either line length or syllables. I think the repitition is diluted by having differing line lengths e.g.
You are a dust cloud;
swirling, rampant, vague.
You are a thunderstorm
of derisive rain
that pelts me to the ground
Second idea which might help with the first is to condense each statement to its essence. Ask yourself what eash word adds. So for example
You are a mountain;
snowy peaked,
north facing,
hard to climb.
Do you need hard to climb as its implied in the the two descriptions?
You are an ocean swell;
wave after wave
that overwhelms
and swallows me whole
You could drop the last line and maybe last two as the reader can imply so much from the first two.
Just a couple of ideas - worth working on it.
elph
Hi Lovely,
thank you for your wise words, glad you liked it. Yes, it is about the real self and how our thoughts and creativity can cause us to feel confused and profound all at once. It is about much more besides and will hopefully mean different things to different people depending on how they are feeling at the time of reading it I suppose. You have good insight my friend.
Kimibob
thank you for your wise words, glad you liked it. Yes, it is about the real self and how our thoughts and creativity can cause us to feel confused and profound all at once. It is about much more besides and will hopefully mean different things to different people depending on how they are feeling at the time of reading it I suppose. You have good insight my friend.
Kimibob