Casualties of War (revised)

[Michelle]

(Revision)
Three anti-war nuns
of Dominican order
crept through the still night,

cut holes in a fence
on government property
to deface missiles.

Their blood in bottles,
they scrawled scarlet crosses on
nuclear warheads,

hammered crucifix
into the deployment tracks.
Now nukes will not move.

Protesting with prayer
when authorities arrived,
rallying with song,

brought attention to
weapons of mass destruction
in our own backyard.

Bound with silver cuffs,
the apprehended sisters
labeled terrorists,

stripped of their habits,
forced to wear gaudy orange,
incarcerated

with Martha Stewart,
a punishment in itself.
Did their God forsake?

(original)
Three white-haired Dominican nuns
staged a protest of pure passion
by shedding a blood crucifix
over a nuclear missile.
Apprehended as terrorists,
they were then robbed of their habits
and forced to wear gaudy orange.

[brianedwards]

Three white-haired Dominican nuns
staged a protest of pure passion
by shedding a blood crucifix
over a nuclear missile.
Apprehended as terrorists,
they were then robbed of their habits
and forced to wear gaudy orange.

How is this a poem?

[Marc]

I was going to ask the same question (albeit less abruptly!) but Brian beat me to it. (Which seems odd as it's usually me saying 'that's prose and BE saying 'No, it's poetry'!).

Anyway, the point is it doesn't seem like a poem. Although I'm beginning to wonder if I can tell anymore!marc

[twoleftfeet]

Michelle,

I was going to query "shedding" and "blood crucifix" but I think I see where you're coming from.
Apart from that line, though, it seems rather "telly" IMHO and so veers more towards prose than poetry in my book.

Is "gaudy" a play on words? (if so, I like it!)

HINT: Don't telly anyone but I normally "get away" with short'uns like this by writing them as haikus.

Geoff

[ray miller]

It feels unfinished or like a joke without a punchline. Though I wouldn't agree that it's unpoetic.What is a blood crucifix?

[Arian]

Hi Michelle,

I've got form, I'm afraid, when it comes to the prose-poetry chestnut, so it will come as a surprise to few that my verdict is "where's the poetry?"

Having said that, I actually quite enjoyed reading it, though its point seemed just a fraction unsubtle - the poetic (prose?) equivalent of a brick through the window.

Sorry to sound negative, I like reading your work generally.

cheers
peter

[Michelle]

First off, I just want to say that I enjoy the crits, so I like that you don't hesitate to post what you think!

This is one that was previously workshopped somewhere else, here's the original.

I heard of an anti-war nun,
that took her blood in containers
and poured it over missile’s head,
then prayed for our country's safety.
A protest I can't comprehend,
strong feelings for a serene soul.
Apprehended, without record,
do not pass go or kneel and pray.
Robbed of rosary and habit,
they could not even dress her in
familiar black and white garments,
but gaudy orange, silver cuffs,
a true punishment in itself.

This is a poem I wrote after reading a news article of the real story. http://www.seattlepi.com/local/99408_cnuns11.shtml
I was told it worked better cut down in the second version but was never really satisfied with the way it turned out, so I thought I'd ask for your help!
The blood crucifix is what I ended up saying instead of cross of blood or crucifix of blood. Anyway, I think I'll take Geoff's advice and try to haiku this, see what I can come up with.

Thanks again,
-M

[Michelle]

It's been haikued, thanks to everyone for your help!

[Tamara Beryl Latham]

Michelle,

Prose or not, the sentiment was intense. You certainly have a way with making the reader feel as if he/she was on the scene.

Powerful!

Best,

Tamara

[Michelle]

Thanks, Tamara!

[Basnik]

Hi, I like the narrative situation but I don't think the haikus work - it's too stop/start. I've never really seen them as purely narrative more reflective, meditative as a form.

Few nits: wouldn't it be crucifixes?

The 'brought attention to weapons...' is too obvious - we know this.

'apprehended sisters' not a haiku phrase surely

The Martha Stewart bit is a bit banal.

Sorry, bit harsh but I really don't think it works in this form

Regards

Rich Basnik