Kirlian (Revised)

[twoleftfeet]

Half-full or half-empty, the wardrobe's
still hard to tilt and turn. Next she
will assail the walls with a ladder,
deal blinding white to the skirting
in grim, workaholic silence till her
aura washes out exhausted on the couch.


Your energy, he'd often said, can
pass beyond the body's sheath, a
swirling kaleidoscope that renders
skin and bone mere mirage, a
colour-photo feast for psychics
to pick over at lawyer rates.


But what magical emulsification is
made when lips meet, emotions whirl,
and fluids mingle? In an instant,
two photographs become one
and there you are, posing
outside the Registry Office.


No magic spell can ever be unscrabbled,
even though she hacked off his head
with relish, cremated it in the waste
bin with an excess of red sloshing
wildly out of focus: nothing
went back in the bottle.


The mother-to-be swings alarmingly,
catches her off guard and on the cheek, yet
it's the wardrobe that goes down; gravity
re-shuts the door and, in its glass now is
just a girl crying her make-up into acrid
little streams that baste her lips in bile.


Behind her, the paint pot has shuddered
loose its lid, casting its dye, defacing
its pristine lip with satin. Thick
tears slide down the sides, masking
what it says on the tin: not even a
genie can reveal the drying time.





Original

Half-full or half-empty, the wardrobe's
now easier to tilt and turn. Soon
she will skirmish with the skirting board,
vanquish it with vigour and varnish
once she has finished assailing the
walls with a ladder.


Your energy, she'd heard, can
pass beyond the body's sheath, a
swirling kaleidoscope that renders
skin and bone mere mirage, a
colour-photo feast for psychics
to pick over at lawyer rates.


But what magical emulsification is
made when lips meet, emotions whirl,
and fluids mingle? In an instant,
two photographs become one
and there you are, posing
outside the Registry Office.


There's no un-magic, black or white,
even though she hacked off his head
with relish, cremated it in the waste
bin with an excess of red sloshing
wildly out of focus: nothing
went back in the bottle.


The mother-to-be swings alarmingly,
catches her off guard and on the cheek.
The wardrobe shudders guiltily; gravity
re-shuts the door and, in the glass,
instead, a girl is crying her
mascara beyond touch-up.


Behind her, the paint pot has jumped
in fright, casting its dye, defacing
its pristine lip with satin. Thick
tears slide down the sides, masking
what it says on the tin: not even a
genie can reveal the drying time.

[ray miller]

I like it Geoff, I like it even though I'm not sure what all of it's about. But marvellous, witty , sparkling language. Had trouble with the 4th verse, un-magic?, but 3rd and last verses terrific. What magical emulsification indeed! Great stuff.

[stuartryder]

First verse, the alliterations are too blatant, it put me off the rest but I did read it all and it got a lot better. You do need to revisit v1 though.

Stuart

[brianedwards]

Half-full or half-empty, the wardrobe's
now easier to tilt and turn. Soon
she will skirmish with the skirting board,
vanquish it with vigour and varnish
once she has finished assailing the
walls with a ladder.


Your energy, she'd heard, can
pass beyond the body's sheath, a
swirling kaleidoscope that renders
skin and bone mere mirage, a
colour-photo feast for psychics
to pick over at lawyer rates.


But what magical emulsification is
made when lips meet, emotions whirl,
and fluids mingle? In an instant,
two photographs become one
and there you are, posing
outside the Registry Office.


There's no un-magic, black or white,
even though she hacked off his head
with relish, cremated it in the waste
bin with an excess of red sloshing
wildly out of focus: nothing
went back in the bottle.


The mother-to-be swings alarmingly,
catches her off guard and on the cheek.
The wardrobe shudders guiltily; gravity
re-shuts the door and, in the glass,
instead, a girl is crying her
mascara beyond touch-up.


Behind her, the paint pot has jumped
in fright, casting its dye, defacing
its pristine lip with satin. Thick
tears slide down the sides, masking
what it says on the tin: not even a
genie can reveal the drying time.

I really rolled with the first 3 stanzas Geoff, but then you lost me. I appreciate the language, but having trouble anchoring the end to the start.
I agree with Stuart that the alliteration is a little loud in the 1S and in other places too perhaps? I also question some of your line breaks: the rhythm seems unnecessarily jittery in parts. I'll definitely read this again though.

B.

~

[twoleftfeet]

Thanks for reading, guys.
It's a first draft: suggestions welcome, especially with regard to the title.
You can always rely on PG crits to go straight to the bits you were unsure about, like rats up a drainpipe!

Ray,
Un-magic. I was going to use "reverse magic" but "un-magic" reads better, meter-wise. The idea is to magic the genie back into the bottle, as it were, or the orange paint back in the red and yellow tins.
I'm open to suggestions.

Stuart,
Yes, I do tend to get carried away with alliteration. In this case, though, I need to show the woman as being a little
fragile, bi-polar. Also I need an energetic feel to link to the next stanza.

Brian,
There are a lot of loose associations going on, but basically there is a little scenario to explain it - or you could
invent one. I thought this was your kind of thing..
Line breaks? All I've done is to arrange each stanza , as best I can, in to a visual rectangle.
Calm down, calm down.. If you're going to provide the story, you might as well provide your own line breaks and rhythm!

Cheers
Geoff

[stuartryder]

I can understand what you're saying, Geoff, but the point I made is still true. You beat us over the head with alliteration but the rest of the poem is much better. Too late though - you've undermined that in the first stanza. A lot of readers will switch off.

Stu

Thanks for reading, guys.
It's a first draft: suggestions welcome, especially with regard to the title.
You can always rely on PG crits to go straight to the bits you were unsure about, like rats up a drainpipe!

Ray,
Un-magic. I was going to use "reverse magic" but "un-magic" reads better, meter-wise. The idea is to magic the genie back into the bottle, as it were, or the orange paint back in the red and yellow tins.
I'm open to suggestions.

Stuart,
Yes, I do tend to get carried away with alliteration. In this case, though, I need to show the woman as being a little
fragile, bi-polar. Also I need an energetic feel to link to the next stanza.

Brian,
There are a lot of loose associations going on, but basically there is a little scenario to explain it - or you could
invent one. I thought this was your kind of thing..
Line breaks? All I've done is to arrange each stanza , as best I can, in to a visual rectangle.
Calm down, calm down.. If you're going to provide the story, you might as well provide your own line breaks and rhythm!

Cheers
Geoff

[twoleftfeet]

I can understand what you're saying, Geoff, but the point I made is still true. You beat us over the head with alliteration but the rest of the poem is much better. Too late though - you've undermined that in the first stanza. A lot of readers will switch off.

Stuart,
Agreed.
What about if I completely remove "vanquish with vigour and with varnish" ?
Bear in mind that David will see that I have one stanza with only 5 lines: he might have a counting fit, and it will be
YOUR fault! !

[stuartryder]

No, No, not the David!! Aaaggghh!

Sounds like a plan.

Cheers

Stu

[oranggunung]

Geoff

I like the energy of the piece, but agree that S1 has some awkwardness. I think there are two words that sit uncomfortably: they are skirmish and vanquish. They both feel a little too deliberate (stilted, even), as they wallow in their pools of alliteration. I’m sure it was fun finding them, but I fear they may need to be lost now. Alternatives abound, I hope.

Like others, I have no real idea what’s going on. It appears to be une guerre a ménage (or whatever the fallouts of such relationships are). The detail of the inter-relationships doesn’t seem to bother you, so I won’t fuss.

Liked the red sloshing wildly out of focus, but somewhat confused by the term “un-magic”. I thought Harry Potter and co had a basic spell for such situations which was, simply put, magic. However, having jumped on a train of thought, did it require magic to get the genie from the bottle? In the case of Aladdin, wasn’t it just rubbing the lamp?

S5 is nice, but doesn’t link back to S1 neatly enough for me. The wardrobe seems to have left the building.

Perhaps I’ll have to read it a little less closely next time.

og

[David]

Bear in mind that David will see that I have one stanza with only 5 lines: he might have a counting fit, and it will be
YOUR fault! !

God, am I really that shallow? I always suspected it but ...

Kirlian? Kirlian photography?

Some great lines, but I'm saddened to see they're not all exactly the same length.

[Marc]

Can we please all be more careful with our syllable counts? Huh? Is that too much to ask?

Marc

[Sulpicia]

Well I thought it was pretty rhythmic, and apart from not being sure whether she has actually murdered her husband, or merely fantasizes about it, felt it all came home rather too easily.
Just not sure that the message on the tin has quite hit the spot. It ought to be something that will tie it all together, somehow.
Not very helpful, sorry, enjoyed reading it!
Helen

[brianedwards]

Can we please all be more careful with our syllable counts? Huh? Is that too much to ask?

Marc

Huh?

[Marc]

Just kidding B.

m.

[Ros]

Yup, too much alliteration in v1 spoils a very good verse. Why are the line breaks in v2 all on minor words? unusual.

The mother-to-be swings alarmingly,
catches her off guard and on the cheek.

I'm lost with this. Who is this mother character? In this context, sounds like it ought to be some article of furniture, like a tallboy or something.

has jumped
in fright,

Too blatant a personification of the paint pot, I feel. The tears later are ok, but perhaps miss this phrase out? Liked your ending.

I think you can make something really good of this, Geoff, with a little reworking. I like the wardrobe theme.

Ros

[twoleftfeet]

Liked the red sloshing wildly out of focus, but somewhat confused by the term “un-magic”. I thought Harry Potter and co had a basic spell for such situations which was, simply put, magic. However, having jumped on a train of thought, did it require magic to get the genie from the bottle? In the case of Aladdin, wasn’t it just rubbing the lamp?

S5 is nice, but doesn’t link back to S1 neatly enough for me. The wardrobe seems to have left the building.
og

Thanks Dave,
I'm really regretting "un-magic"! I can't use "magic" for the reverse process, though. The original magic, where the genie
gets out of the bottle, is the mingling and merging of energies.
The wardrobe door has a mirror . How did you know I have an "Elvis" suite?

Thank u very much
Geoff

[twoleftfeet]

Bear in mind that David will see that I have one stanza with only 5 lines: he might have a counting fit, and it will be
YOUR fault! !

God, am I really that shallow? I always suspected it but ...

Kirlian? Kirlian photography?

Some great lines, but I'm saddened to see they're not all exactly the same length.

I did my best with the line lengths, David.
I can honestly say that you have mentioned numerical "inconsistencies" on more than one occasion.
I would say, however, that you are meticulous and a bit of a perfectionist. "Shallow" ,to me, would be to point something
out even though you didn't give two hoots about it really.

Yes, Kirlian photography, energy fields captured on film, auras and the colours associated with various emotions.

Cheers
Geoff

[twoleftfeet]

Can we please all be more careful with our syllable counts? Huh? Is that too much to ask?

Marc

Marc, kindly refrain from being silly (said the pot to the kettle)

[twoleftfeet]

Well I thought it was pretty rhythmic, and apart from not being sure whether she has actually murdered her husband, or merely fantasizes about it, felt it all came home rather too easily.
Just not sure that the message on the tin has quite hit the spot. It ought to be something that will tie it all together, somehow.
Not very helpful, sorry, enjoyed reading it!
Helen

Thanks for reading, Helen.
No, she hasn't murdered him. She got drunk, took a pair of scissors to his half of the photo etc.
The main reason for the final stanza is so I could pun alea iacta est

Cheers
Geoff

[twoleftfeet]

Yup, too much alliteration in v1 spoils a very good verse. Why are the line breaks in v2 all on minor words? unusual.

Thanks Ros,
I'm fast developing a phobia for alliteration after the flak I've been getting
The line breaks are purely arbitrary - please refer back to my reply to Brian

The mother-to-be swings alarmingly,
catches her off guard and on the cheek.

I'm lost with this. Who is this mother character? In this context, sounds like it ought to be some article of furniture, like a tallboy or something.

I know what you mean - I was torn between too vague and too "telly".
She's tilting the wardrobe in order to move it. The door , which is mirrored, swings open and gives her a whack, and it
seems to her she is being attacked by her own reflection. In pain she lets go, the wardrobe drops heavily, causing paint to jump out of the tin.

Being an accident-prone bodger of Champions League class I can vouch for the veracity of this type of accident

has jumped
in fright,

Too blatant a personification of the paint pot, I feel. The tears later are ok, but perhaps miss this phrase out? Liked your ending.

Yes, the idea of the paint pot jumping in fright doesn't work, does it?
Is it the jumping or the fright or both, I wonder? Would I get away with "jumped/shook sympathetically"? Hmmmmm..

Cheers
Geoff

[Arian]

I actually quite liked the alliteration in S1, Geoff. To my ear it's blatant, but not trying-too-hard blatant.

I also (in for a penny...), positively liked un-magic, though the best stanza for me was s3, which almost seems a piece in itself (without the inital "but").

There's a few odd line-breaks, I thought, such as

instead, a girl is crying her
mascara beyond touch-up.

and a couple of places where the imagery seemed forced, but otherwise I thought it very good read.

All the best
peter

[twoleftfeet]

Thanks for the thumbs up, Peter

wrt the line breaks:
instead, a girl is crying her
mascara beyond touch-up.
- is a triumph from the point of view that both lines are of equal length, which sadly was the sole criterion I employed

Cheers
Geoff

[Tamara Beryl Latham]

Geoff,

I liked the pace and much of the alliteration. The language is novel, and expressive, but the literal image did not work for me in the following lines:

even though she hacked off his head
with relish,

The wardrobe shudders guiltily;

It is not feasible to hack off someone's head with relish. So, I would use a word other than "hack," if you choose to use relish.
Although a wardrobe may vibrate (shudder), it is not possible for an inanimate object to have feelings of guilt. You may want to change some of the verbiage.

Like Helen, I also thought the mother-in-law murdered him.

Overall, a nicely done poem.

Best,

Tamara

[rushme]

rather like:

posing outside the registry office!

[ray miller]

Geoff, you need a Metremeter, a Feasibility Study, a Risk Assessment and a Mission Statement.