Moving On (was 'November' was 'Sky Bone'!)

[Elphin]

Marc

Your poem has had lots of attention so there must be something good going on. Here is my tuppence worth.

I think your opening line is a cracker - as I look out the window here, that line describes everything I see. Geoff is right though underclothes are too genteel for what follows but for me I would stick with underclothes and drop the "arse end" (so to speak). Its just too colloquial but also too knowingly colloquial.

I think some of the impact of the opening is lost by the opening lines of s2 - too telly and not enough left to the reader. I wonder if you need those lines and would the poem have the same effect like this.

November flaps like old grey underclothes.
Ratty grass, blown shrubs. Garden broken
at the (something) of the year.

Up the lane rooks circle a bare oak
like vultures round a bone.
I won't see another summer here.

Just thoughts

elph

[Marc]

Thanks for the input Elph.

I'm still undecided about underclothes/arse end. Arse end has to stay I feel. It demonstrates the feeling I have for November!
Underclothes... need to think about a satisfactory replacement. Jeans are blue - underclothes are the right garment but maybe the wrong word!

Your pared down version doesn't say enough. 'I won't see another summer here' - what, am I dying? going blind?!
This is a poem about moving house (in November) and this fine art of paring everything down to a handful of words runs the risk of failing to make the meaning understood.

Oh well, thanks all,
this has probably had more than it's fair share of attention.
Cheers,
Marc

[oranggunung]

Marc

I like what you have here. I’ve only come to the revision, but have read the comments and feel like I understand the poem’s evolution.

It does seem a shame that the title of the poem is the same as the first word, considering that the poem itself is not very long.


November flaps like old grey underclothes.

As many people have mentioned, this reads very well, but why do old, grey underclothes flap?


Ratty grass, blown shrubs. Garden broken

This staccato structure feels at odds with the more prosaic introduction. Could some punctuation link the grass and shrubs with the garden? A hyphen or semi-colon, perhaps?


at the arse end of the year.

A change of voice, here, rather than tempo. Even so, there’s a jolt. The scene has been set with gentler language.
When taken together, those first three lines feel like a scene-setting stanza.

The next three lines switch to the interior (in a cinematic version of the poem) and change perspective. Another small jolt that might be avoided with an extra stanza.


I won't see
another summer here.

I find this to be a confusing idea. If the story is not about age, but about moving house, why linger on any particular season? Could the word “season” replace the word “summer”?


I like S2. Being a birdwatcher, I don’t find anything difficult about the simile you’ve chosen. However, the vultures conjure an image of death and finishing. I can understand why a reader might confuse your intended subject with old age/mortality.

What’s fascinating about this poem is what’s missing. No memories of events that took place there or descriptions of the building itself. I’ve just helped my parents move out of a wonderful three-storey manse house in the Shetland Islands. I’m sure it’s been very difficult to leave it, but the place was just too big and expensive to heat/maintain. I know they have wonderful memories of the place, including seeing otters in the garden.

Anyway, that’s quite enough critique. I understand what the poem’s about. The measured detachment from the subject, to my way of thinking, may be a way of the author sparing themselves any more grief by dwelling on the thought.

Yet another interpretation! Will they never cease?

og

[David]

I liked that ole sky bone. The final image now seems no different from a hundred other "poetical" endings I've read before, quite a tired simile in fact. Not what it was.

Sorry Marc!

Cheers

David

[Marc]

Hurray. David - I was hoping someone other than me liked the Sky Bone!

A problem with crits is that everyone has a slightly different take/preference and if I/we listen to all of them we end up with something watered down to blandness... The end of the poem is now unremarkable without something to strike a pose/stick in your mind.

Og: Thanks for your input. Underclothes are flapping on the line in the (broken!) garden. The Arse jolt is there to show a general fed-upness at the weather, the garden, the moving etc... I don't have a problem with arse and underclothes (literally or physically!) but maybe underwear would be better?

The n is bemoaning the dark days of November so he's thinking he won't see another (contrasting) summer here, again discontent. Not just another season - the longing for summer is there because blah, blah...(you get the gist!).

i too am or have been a (minor) twitcher - YOC etc- so glad you liked the image. Rooks can be a comforting summer sound in the country. It's fair to contrast them with vultures -the connotation is different.
The n's kids have grown - he is looking towards old age and this is in part the point of the rooks/vultures round a bone.

So should I now change back to Sky Bone? Are you all beyond caring now?!

Many thanks to all who've contributed to this rambling thread, much appreciated,
Marc

[Ros]

I too quite liked sky bone - it just didn't quite fit the tone of the piece - different sort of metaphor from arse end, after all...

[Arian]

So should I now change back to Sky Bone?

Looks like we're back to poetry by committee. Go with your instincts, Marc.
(my vote's for sky bone, I liked it).
peter

[Sulpicia]

Coming late to the party; just to say: I really liked this and your revisions are spot on. I've just moved into a house which has that November feeling, with bits of debris left over from a broken marriage.
GReat read.
Helen

[brianedwards]

As I suggested earlier, "sky bone" works as a simile but as a metaphor it definitely does not sit well with the tone of the poem. The current ending is a little lacklustre, yes. I'd go with "like vultures round a sky bone" but not use Sky Bone as a title. November doesn't really work for me either though . . . . Maybe "Underpants" (joke).

B.

~

[Marc]

Oh well, final amendment, new title (still not right) and reinstatement of sky bone.
That's it. Done. Past caring. IBPC nominations here please!
cheers all,
Marc

[Ros]

Oh well, final amendment, new title (still not right) and reinstatement of sky bone.
That's it. Done. Past caring. IBPC nominations here please!
cheers all,
Marc

You can have enough, can't you? Just suggest you run the last two lines together as one sentence.

Ros

[brianedwards]

suggest you run the last two lines together as one sentence.

Ditto.