First Revision
Suspended by a dead and drying strand,
one tenacious, golden pennant has yet to fall.
Winter waits, impatiently, leaching light
from slowly processing days.
A hungry blue tit pauses
above the last vestige of the cherry tree’s modesty.
It turns left, then right, calling; lost perhaps
or lamenting the dearth of caterpillars.
Taking flight, it leaves a bare branch
and a littered lawn - an imperfect patchwork
of cast offs from another flamboyant season -
a jumble for blackbirds to hunt through.
Original
Suspended by a dead and drying strand,
one tenacious, golden pennant has yet to fall.
Winter waits, impatiently, leaching light
from slowly processing days.
A blue tit, combing whip-like limbs,
pauses above the lacklustre leaf.
It turns left, then right, calling; lost perhaps
or lamenting the lack of caterpillars.
Taking flight, it leaves a bare branch
and a littered lawn - an imperfect patchwork
of cast offs from another flamboyant season -
a jumble for blackbirds to hunt through.
the last leaf
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oranggunung
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Last edited by oranggunung on Fri Nov 27, 2009 9:55 pm, edited 1 time in total.
Ah, I see your ornithological leanings coming to the fore...
Enjoyed but a couple of nits:
Wasn't sure about the 'combing whip like limbs'? How so? Presumably you're referring to the tree limbs but it kinda reads like the tit has whip like limbs (maybe a tit/flamingo cross - would that make it a pink tit or is that something else altogether? Oh god, I've resorted to 13 year old sense of humour again...sorry).
I thought the alliteration was overdone in the last two lines of the second stanza fwiw.
Liked the third stanza best of all - especially the last line.
Marc
Enjoyed but a couple of nits:
Wasn't sure about the 'combing whip like limbs'? How so? Presumably you're referring to the tree limbs but it kinda reads like the tit has whip like limbs (maybe a tit/flamingo cross - would that make it a pink tit or is that something else altogether? Oh god, I've resorted to 13 year old sense of humour again...sorry).
I thought the alliteration was overdone in the last two lines of the second stanza fwiw.
Liked the third stanza best of all - especially the last line.
Marc
Hello og
Lovely to be back and I really enjoyed this!
The first stanza was my favourite bit.
I also was a bit confused by 'combing whip-like limbs' but I think the problem was with the combing, which seems not to combine well with whips - or indeed blue tits. Not sure, needs a bit of thought.
I also felt the last line of the stanza was a bit heavy, somehow. Maybe 'a lack of caterpillars'?
I liked the alliteration in the last stanza, but the contrast between the very patterned first two lines and the much less patterned last two didn't really work for me. I think I'd want to work a bit more alliteration into the last lines.
We've still got a few leaves here, but the gales are doing their best.
Thanks for an enjoyable read.
Helen
Lovely to be back and I really enjoyed this!
The first stanza was my favourite bit.
I also was a bit confused by 'combing whip-like limbs' but I think the problem was with the combing, which seems not to combine well with whips - or indeed blue tits. Not sure, needs a bit of thought.
I also felt the last line of the stanza was a bit heavy, somehow. Maybe 'a lack of caterpillars'?
I liked the alliteration in the last stanza, but the contrast between the very patterned first two lines and the much less patterned last two didn't really work for me. I think I'd want to work a bit more alliteration into the last lines.
We've still got a few leaves here, but the gales are doing their best.
Thanks for an enjoyable read.
Helen
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ray miller
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"leaching light from slowly processing days", I like that a lot. Thought the alliteration was quite restrained actually, for you!
Can a leaf be golden and lacklustre?I think opening two lines of 2nd verse let the whole thing down. Whatever "combing whip-like limbs" refers to, I don't think it's a great construction.
Can a leaf be golden and lacklustre?I think opening two lines of 2nd verse let the whole thing down. Whatever "combing whip-like limbs" refers to, I don't think it's a great construction.
I'm out of faith and in my cups
I contemplate such bitter stuff.
I contemplate such bitter stuff.
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twoleftfeet
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I really like this Og.
S1 is excellent - I completely misread "dead and dying" into the first line, which is of course the whole point of your phrase.
I think, though, that "processing" doesn't gel with your other choice of words. Are you referring to photosynthesis?
In S2 , I agree with Helen and Marc that "combing whip-like limbs" sounds as if the limbs belong to the bird, but it may be your intention to make us think. If not then "scour" perhaps?
I'm not sure about "lacklustre leaf" either: it may be Ray's point, or (more likely) the phobia I am developing about
alliteration in the wake of the hammering I've just been getting
In S3, I would be tempted to change it around very slightly (Just a suggestion)
Taking flight, it leaves a bare branch (or maybe even "a branch bare"?)
and a lawn littered with an imperfect patchwork
of cast offs from another flamboyant season -
a jumble for blackbirds to hunt through.
Nice work
Geoff
S1 is excellent - I completely misread "dead and dying" into the first line, which is of course the whole point of your phrase.
I think, though, that "processing" doesn't gel with your other choice of words. Are you referring to photosynthesis?
In S2 , I agree with Helen and Marc that "combing whip-like limbs" sounds as if the limbs belong to the bird, but it may be your intention to make us think. If not then "scour" perhaps?
I'm not sure about "lacklustre leaf" either: it may be Ray's point, or (more likely) the phobia I am developing about
alliteration in the wake of the hammering I've just been getting
In S3, I would be tempted to change it around very slightly (Just a suggestion)
Taking flight, it leaves a bare branch (or maybe even "a branch bare"?)
and a lawn littered with an imperfect patchwork
of cast offs from another flamboyant season -
a jumble for blackbirds to hunt through.
Nice work
Geoff
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oranggunung
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Marc, Helen, Ray, Geoff
Thank you very much for the encouraging noises. S2 is clearly where the most problems occurred, so I’ve revised it. There were other points about construction and alliteration, but I’m not sure how to address them without starting from the beginning again. As some liked the 1st stanza best and others the 3rd, it didn’t seem right to change either of those.
Geoff – “processing” was used in the same context as procession. Perhaps the usage isn’t obvious, but I was trying not to repeat others.
Helen – I’ve tried to find other alliterative options for S3, but I can’t get anything to work.
Hoping the revised S2 is better received.
og
Thank you very much for the encouraging noises. S2 is clearly where the most problems occurred, so I’ve revised it. There were other points about construction and alliteration, but I’m not sure how to address them without starting from the beginning again. As some liked the 1st stanza best and others the 3rd, it didn’t seem right to change either of those.
Geoff – “processing” was used in the same context as procession. Perhaps the usage isn’t obvious, but I was trying not to repeat others.
Helen – I’ve tried to find other alliterative options for S3, but I can’t get anything to work.
Hoping the revised S2 is better received.
og
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twoleftfeet
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Dave, in that case "proceeding" would be more accurate, surely? IMHO it's not a cliche - I googled it and got < 9000 hits which is pretty low.oranggunung wrote:
Geoff – “processing” was used in the same context as procession. Perhaps the usage isn’t obvious, but I was trying not to repeat others.
og
I hate to spoil the party but I prefer the original.
Apologies
Geoff
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Tamara Beryl Latham
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***Beautiful imagery. I especially like this strophe.Suspended by a dead and drying strand,
one tenacious, golden pennant has yet to fall.
Winter waits, impatiently, leaching light
from slowly processing days.
Comparing the two versions, except for lacklustre leaf, I cast my vote for the original.
Best,
Tamara
"Truth, like light, is often slanted"...Tamara B. Latham, ©2019
My comments relate to draft 2.
1. How can it be dead and dying? Seems like over-analysis.
2. "Pennant" seems like a stretch. The way dead leaves hang they don't look like pennants. We all know that autumn leaves look "golden". How about just "one dead leaf has yet to fall"?
3. I don't like the personification of winter as "impatient". Surely all seasons can be seen as impatient? What is especially impatient about winter? Who or what is "processing" the days? There's no subject, but there should be.
4. "The last vestige of the cherry tree's modesty" is too much. Just suggest it. Just "above the solitary leaf" would put us in mind of it with more grace.
5. No need for "perhaps" - calls for speculation (can you tell I've been watching Law & Order?)
6. The "dearth of caterpillars" is bathetic I'm afraid.
7. Last stanza is good. Get rid of "imperfect" - unless you're making a point about the imperfection of the leaf-fall. You could dispense with the third line altogether. Last line I like.
Could be a great four or six-line poem.
1. How can it be dead and dying? Seems like over-analysis.
2. "Pennant" seems like a stretch. The way dead leaves hang they don't look like pennants. We all know that autumn leaves look "golden". How about just "one dead leaf has yet to fall"?
3. I don't like the personification of winter as "impatient". Surely all seasons can be seen as impatient? What is especially impatient about winter? Who or what is "processing" the days? There's no subject, but there should be.
4. "The last vestige of the cherry tree's modesty" is too much. Just suggest it. Just "above the solitary leaf" would put us in mind of it with more grace.
5. No need for "perhaps" - calls for speculation (can you tell I've been watching Law & Order?)
6. The "dearth of caterpillars" is bathetic I'm afraid.
7. Last stanza is good. Get rid of "imperfect" - unless you're making a point about the imperfection of the leaf-fall. You could dispense with the third line altogether. Last line I like.
Could be a great four or six-line poem.
fine words butter no parsnips
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ray miller
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It's dead and drying, not dying!I think k-j is right about the cherry tree line, it is saying too much. I think lamenting the lack of caterpillars was fine.
I'm out of faith and in my cups
I contemplate such bitter stuff.
I contemplate such bitter stuff.
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twoleftfeet
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K-J - should have gone to SPEC-SAVERS!
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stuartryder
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loltwoleftfeet wrote:K-J - should have gone to SPEC-SAVERS!
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oranggunung
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Helen, Geoff, Tamara, Kieran, Ray
Thanks very much for feedback on the revision. All in all, it looks like the revision departed from the preferred style. Perhaps I get to keep some more of the alliteration.
Never mind; until modifications are made, it’s not really possible to assess whether one prefers the original. I’m quite glad the original version was (generally) preferred, although I did put some effort into the revision.
Perhaps ‘dearth’ was a bit cheeky, but sometimes I can’t resist these urges.
It’s also encouraging to feel that I got closer first time, than when I came back to the piece some time later. It was written in 2008, but didn’t really come together until after the seasons had changed. So I hung onto it until the annual cycle ran its course.
cheers
og
Thanks very much for feedback on the revision. All in all, it looks like the revision departed from the preferred style. Perhaps I get to keep some more of the alliteration.
Never mind; until modifications are made, it’s not really possible to assess whether one prefers the original. I’m quite glad the original version was (generally) preferred, although I did put some effort into the revision.
Perhaps ‘dearth’ was a bit cheeky, but sometimes I can’t resist these urges.
It’s also encouraging to feel that I got closer first time, than when I came back to the piece some time later. It was written in 2008, but didn’t really come together until after the seasons had changed. So I hung onto it until the annual cycle ran its course.
cheers
og