To feed empty hours ...

New to poetry? Unsure about the quality of your work? Then why not post here to receive some gentle feedback.
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arunansu
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Sat Nov 28, 2009 2:00 pm

Inside a bookstore, a humble bee
consumes one bare afternoon

it whizzes, tastes the rinds of poetry books,
neatly arranged in rows

**

In a flower shop, I spend the evening
with garden-fresh chrysanthemums,

magnolias, lantana, daffodils and some
tell-me-my-name florets; my endless

woolgathering envisions an Ikebana
with a hummingbird glued to silence

**

[Ikebana : http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ikebana]
Last edited by arunansu on Mon Nov 30, 2009 5:11 am, edited 3 times in total.
kimibob
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Sat Nov 28, 2009 2:15 pm

HI Arun,
lovely piece, simple and direct. Loved the first and last stanzas, they evoke a vivid mental image, especially the ikebana display with a hummingbird attached, wonderful!
The only thing I'm not sure about is,
'it whizzes, tastes the rinds of poem
books, neatly arranged in rows' this jumps a bit to me, putting 'books' on the next line is a little jarring. Other than that, really good.

Kimi
arunansu
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Sat Nov 28, 2009 2:24 pm

Thanks Kimibob for spending your time here, and thank you so much for the help. Edited.
tool
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Sun Nov 29, 2009 12:17 am

you must be a very interesting bee.

beautiful poem again
arunansu
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Sun Nov 29, 2009 5:10 am

Thank you Tool for your time on this and replying.
Lovely
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Sun Nov 29, 2009 1:03 pm

It don't half roll this......." it whizzes, taste the rinds of poet books" what a line.

I'll hold myself back here less I write an ode to her

best
arunansu
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Sun Nov 29, 2009 2:23 pm

Thank you Lovely for saying that. Smiles.
Suzanne
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Sun Nov 29, 2009 2:32 pm

Aru,

The first four lines are enchanting all by themselves. I like the images and have recently been in a small book shop, so could envision it very well.
I don't know why but "poem books" doesn't flow very well with me. I know that I would never say poem books, I would say poetry books or books of poems, or leave off books and just say poems.

Very nice and, yes, educational. You are so interesting.

Suzanne
arunansu
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Mon Nov 30, 2009 5:12 am

Thank you Suzanne, I like the half-rhyme of "poetry" with "neatly". Thanks for the nit-picking.
Smiles.
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