Going
Journey ticketed,
corridor's narrowed,
hurried riders slide
past me, slip behind doors.
Yesterday's vapour
suspended, blinding
my eyes to the man
offering his open hand.
Tousled hair conceals
my skewed make up tracks,
cheeks turned window-ward,
I sigh into his hand.
The door is eased closed,
our knees softly touch
as he sits again,
smiles, unfolds his paper.
Settling dust calms
the red velvet berth,
regal chairs poised high
stretch their arms at my waist.
The sway of the train
stills held time within
and nurtures a seed
of anticipation.
.
edit- tweaked as suggested.
Going
HI,
this is a really nice piece. You have captured the feel of a train journey very well. I liked the descriptions very much .'Tussled hair conceals
my skewed make up tracks,
cheeks turned window-ward,
I sigh into to his hand'
Thanks for this poem,
Kimi
this is a really nice piece. You have captured the feel of a train journey very well. I liked the descriptions very much .'Tussled hair conceals
my skewed make up tracks,
cheeks turned window-ward,
I sigh into to his hand'
Thanks for this poem,
Kimi
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Suzanne
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Thank you, Kimi.
This poem has a structure of 5-5-5-6. I usually don't give myself rule like that, I was wondering if it reads smoothly. Someone want to tell me if it sounds like me or did the structure take too much away? Why did I limit myself, you might ask.. and I would say, I don't know. lol.
Any opinions?
Warmly,
Suzanne
This poem has a structure of 5-5-5-6. I usually don't give myself rule like that, I was wondering if it reads smoothly. Someone want to tell me if it sounds like me or did the structure take too much away? Why did I limit myself, you might ask.. and I would say, I don't know. lol.
Any opinions?
Warmly,
Suzanne
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ray miller
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I hadn't noticed the 5-5-5-6 style. Having a structure like that makes it easier in one way , harder in another doesn't it? You're limiting the choices you have to make and you're limiting the choices that you can make.
Anyway, knowing the formation I can now see that "I sigh into to his hand" is a mistake. Do you intend tussled hair or tousled? I found "stills held time within" a bit jarring. holds time still within? the red velvet berth might sound better.
I'm curious about the series. At the moment it feels a bit like the opening sequence of a film with the credits still rolling.
Anyway, knowing the formation I can now see that "I sigh into to his hand" is a mistake. Do you intend tussled hair or tousled? I found "stills held time within" a bit jarring. holds time still within? the red velvet berth might sound better.
I'm curious about the series. At the moment it feels a bit like the opening sequence of a film with the credits still rolling.
I'm out of faith and in my cups
I contemplate such bitter stuff.
I contemplate such bitter stuff.
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Suzanne
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Thanks Ray!
I-sigh-in-to-his-hand, isn't that ok?
think so, but I am ... well, me.
I changed velvet red to red velvet, but have to say that the "stills held time within" had me pondering when I wrote it , but I liked it and it says what I wanted. I agree it is fussy. I might have to think on it a while and then change it or not? I am glad that that you said something about it, it helps.
Thanks Ray,
Suzanne
I-sigh-in-to-his-hand, isn't that ok?
think so, but I am ... well, me.
I changed velvet red to red velvet, but have to say that the "stills held time within" had me pondering when I wrote it , but I liked it and it says what I wanted. I agree it is fussy. I might have to think on it a while and then change it or not? I am glad that that you said something about it, it helps.
Thanks Ray,
Suzanne
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ray miller
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- Joined: Wed Apr 23, 2008 10:23 am
"I sigh into his hand" is fine, but you have "I sigh into to his hand".Pay attention!
I'm out of faith and in my cups
I contemplate such bitter stuff.
I contemplate such bitter stuff.
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ray miller
- Perspicacious Poster
- Posts: 7482
- Joined: Wed Apr 23, 2008 10:23 am
I'm not sure I like that "edit as per Ray". It sounds like a disclaimer, or that fussy bastard has been picking holes in my poem again.
I'm out of faith and in my cups
I contemplate such bitter stuff.
I contemplate such bitter stuff.
Suzanne, enjoyed.
The door is eased closed,
our knees softly touch
as he sits again,
smiles, unfolds his paper.
- reads excellent.
stills held time within
- interesting.
Nothing else to add.
Enjoyed.
The door is eased closed,
our knees softly touch
as he sits again,
smiles, unfolds his paper.
- reads excellent.
stills held time within
- interesting.
Nothing else to add.
Enjoyed.
S2 is powerful SU.
I hate tube trains myself we become cattle in markets. But what a mind you are; if
I sat with you in the long-ride it would pass more easily into my soul. It is an emotional
piece tenderly and softly spoken
enjoyed
I hate tube trains myself we become cattle in markets. But what a mind you are; if
I sat with you in the long-ride it would pass more easily into my soul. It is an emotional
piece tenderly and softly spoken
enjoyed
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twoleftfeet
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- Joined: Wed Dec 07, 2005 4:02 pm
- Location: Standing by a short pier, looking for a long run-up
Hi Suzanne,
You have created an exciting atmosphere.
Is this a potentially romantic meeting? Ray mentioned film credits, and it made me think of "Brief Encounter"
The only nit I have is:
The sway of the train
stills held time within
- which I can't fathom.
Is it "stills" as in "dies away"?
If so then I think that "holds" would be better as it matches the tense of "nurtures", and ,with two verbs together you need
extra punctuation:
The sway of the train
stills, holds time within
Or should it be "still" as in "continues to"?
The sway of the train
still holds time within
Also, "within" what? I realise that it may be difficult, but IMHO clarification is needed.
Much enjoyed
Geoff
You have created an exciting atmosphere.
Is this a potentially romantic meeting? Ray mentioned film credits, and it made me think of "Brief Encounter"
The only nit I have is:
The sway of the train
stills held time within
- which I can't fathom.
Is it "stills" as in "dies away"?
If so then I think that "holds" would be better as it matches the tense of "nurtures", and ,with two verbs together you need
extra punctuation:
The sway of the train
stills, holds time within
Or should it be "still" as in "continues to"?
The sway of the train
still holds time within
Also, "within" what? I realise that it may be difficult, but IMHO clarification is needed.
Much enjoyed
Geoff
-
Suzanne
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- Location: Land of the Midnight Sun
Lovely, anytime.
Geoff, thank you for asking!
"Stills" as in holds still, quiets down, calms.
"held time" as in memories, experiences that can't be changed.
"within" the swaying red velvet berth. Hope you come back to tell me your ideas.
Warmly,
Suzanne
Geoff, thank you for asking!
"Stills" as in holds still, quiets down, calms.
"held time" as in memories, experiences that can't be changed.
"within" the swaying red velvet berth. Hope you come back to tell me your ideas.
Warmly,
Suzanne