The Day
Hi Ian
I liked this with its gentle tone, although I'm not too boned up on matters of space and time unless I'm late for a party and only have half my slap on....
The poem could be trimmed a little here and there, but would possibly lose the clam element that eases the reader along and make it a bit choppy.
Forgive me if I'm saying something daft, I have a little niggle with the introduction of the wormhole in the poem and think it could have been slipped
in a little more cleverly than it just being there, like it's a commonplace event. Like I say I'm probably being daft as I have little understanding of
things to do with space and the universe, I get into enough trouble in my world without looking further afield....smile.
Dalena x
I liked this with its gentle tone, although I'm not too boned up on matters of space and time unless I'm late for a party and only have half my slap on....
The poem could be trimmed a little here and there, but would possibly lose the clam element that eases the reader along and make it a bit choppy.
Forgive me if I'm saying something daft, I have a little niggle with the introduction of the wormhole in the poem and think it could have been slipped
in a little more cleverly than it just being there, like it's a commonplace event. Like I say I'm probably being daft as I have little understanding of
things to do with space and the universe, I get into enough trouble in my world without looking further afield....smile.
Dalena x
Life is one good lick away from being naughty
Hi, this is really nice...
I'm not sure if I'm reading it right,
but it seems almost like you've woken up, still laying in bed and you fall into a
day-dream which is so very real you thinnk you actually did all that (which is why it's so wierd)
and then wake up to find everything is normal, and you're still laying in bed.
I loved the gentle tone, the slight 'befuddlement' in the third stanza, which contrasted with the first and second stanza,
which seems so straight to the point.
The only thing that confused me over the third reading, was the third-last line. Shouldn't it be the begining of a new sentace?
Anyway, thankyou for the nice read
I'm not sure if I'm reading it right,
but it seems almost like you've woken up, still laying in bed and you fall into a
day-dream which is so very real you thinnk you actually did all that (which is why it's so wierd)
and then wake up to find everything is normal, and you're still laying in bed.
I loved the gentle tone, the slight 'befuddlement' in the third stanza, which contrasted with the first and second stanza,
which seems so straight to the point.
The only thing that confused me over the third reading, was the third-last line. Shouldn't it be the begining of a new sentace?
Anyway, thankyou for the nice read
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GONE AWAY
Thankyou for the replies, yes it is meant to be a day dream/reality, actually I wrote it after firstly going to the wrong platform at a large station, and then after finding the right platform, watching the train leave without me.
Ian.
Ian.
-
qwertyportne
- Posts: 5
- Joined: Sun Dec 13, 2009 5:47 pm
This was fun to read, for many reasons; here are a few...
1-- Except for a few phrases, it rolled along with a pleasant rhythm
2-- It grabbed my attention early, then invited me to keep on reading
3-- It conveyed a seemingly simple, straight-forward, very accessible story
4-- Then surprised me with a trip into another world -- nice!
It might be even more powerful (evocative) if you tightened it up here and there. Not only to give the words that remain (the ones you do not remove) more influence, but also to improve the flow; that is, remove some of the places where readers might struggle with the uneven rhythm. Unless you want your readers to stop or pause to enhance a particular word or phrase, of course.
Compare (read aloud) the rhythm, for example, of it left platform six, instead of platform nine with from platform six, instead of nine. which connects more immediately with the opening line and is just a tad more concise.
Or it left from platform six which rolls more smoothly off the tongue than it left (reader must pause here) platform six
I like your poem. Hope my comments help with your revision...
--Bill
1-- Except for a few phrases, it rolled along with a pleasant rhythm
2-- It grabbed my attention early, then invited me to keep on reading
3-- It conveyed a seemingly simple, straight-forward, very accessible story
4-- Then surprised me with a trip into another world -- nice!
It might be even more powerful (evocative) if you tightened it up here and there. Not only to give the words that remain (the ones you do not remove) more influence, but also to improve the flow; that is, remove some of the places where readers might struggle with the uneven rhythm. Unless you want your readers to stop or pause to enhance a particular word or phrase, of course.
Compare (read aloud) the rhythm, for example, of it left platform six, instead of platform nine with from platform six, instead of nine. which connects more immediately with the opening line and is just a tad more concise.
Or it left from platform six which rolls more smoothly off the tongue than it left (reader must pause here) platform six
I like your poem. Hope my comments help with your revision...
--Bill
