illustrated story collaboration

[Bardialus]

My name is Terence Pols, I live in a quiet town in the centre of england. A place referred to as the 'midlands'.

I was born, raised and reside in the same town; and I need to get out.
Being raised in a town near a city has many advantages I've discovered; you can use the city for what you want and then leave when you've had enough, but towns are quiet.
Faces that appear and flit away in cities become regular and part of the daily life in a town.

I currently work 9-5 in a regular humdrum admin job; the same as most of the people I know, and I dream of being out in the world exploring.

Working for an agency is the latest attempt of making enough money to be able to visit some of it.
Regular permanent jobs become irksome after so long, so to stop becoming bored or caught up within the sad affairs of office politics I stopped working my very low paid job and took some time out for myself.

I managed to save enough to be able to stop working for 7 months (bills included) took the chance and handed my notice in, said goodbye and left it all behind.

After months of 'me' time and seeing the affect on money, it was either find income first or blow it all on one thing.
In a sense I did both. I got a temp job and booked a holiday; something to ensure I kept earning you mihgt say. I worked for a few months, topped up my savings and planned to venture into the international world of travel.

Money can do strange things to plans we make, my little jaunt into tourism suddenly seemed to want to develop into a worldwide trip; something I wanted but knew I couldn't afford.
I knew I was going to need to some serious savings (or lottery win) to fully realise the dream.

My current job was nearing it's end and my holiday was just around the corner.
How could I think about anything apart from the holiday?
I decided to call the job to an end and get myself prepared by finalising all the plans and getting all the things I would need for the holiday.

The day came for me and my brother to board the plane and say bye to home for a fortnight. A couple of hours later we landed in the middle of a rain storm; a great greeting could'nt be asked for.
We had expecting to be hit by the heat, yet here we were standing soaked to the skin within 5 minutes of getting off the plane.

[Rena Hands]

I am not certain what this submission is but I will start here…

The spacing is off.

You could have described in more detail what the city has to offer. What details made the town so dull? What was this “humdrum administration job?” Why is this holiday so important? Where is this holiday destination? Why not be more illustrative about the dreary landing in this “rain storm?”
What were these final plans made for this holiday? The smallest detail matters.

I have underlined the changes that I think are appropriate.

My name is Terence Pols; I live in a quiet town in the centre of England. A place referred to as the 'Midlands'.

I was born, raised and reside in the same town, and I need to get out.

Being raised in a town near a city has many advantages I've discovered; you can use the city for what you want and then leave when you've had enough, but towns are quiet.

Faces that appear and flit away in cities become regular and part of the daily life in a town.

I currently work 9-5 in a regular humdrum administration job; the same as most of the people I know, and I dream of being out in the world exploring.

Working for an agency is the latest attempt of making enough money to be able to visit some of it.

Regular permanent jobs become irksome after so long, so to stop becoming bored or caught up within the sad affairs of office politics I stopped working my very low paid job and took some time out for myself.

I managed to save enough to be able to stop working for 7 months (bills included) took the chance and handed my notice in, said goodbye and left it all behind.

After months of 'me' time and seeing the affect on money, it was either find income first or blow it all on one thing.

In a sense I did both. I got a temp job and booked a holiday; something to ensure I kept earning you might say. I worked for a few months, topped up my savings and planned to venture into the international world of travel.

Money can do strange things to plans we make, my little jaunt into tourism suddenly seemed to want to develop into a worldwide trip; something I wanted but knew I couldn't afford.

I knew I was going to need to some serious savings (or lottery win) to fully realise the dream.

My current job was nearing its end and my holiday was just around the corner.

How could I think about anything apart from the holiday?

I decided to call the job to an end and get myself prepared by finalising all the plans and getting all the things I would need for the holiday.

The day came for me and my brother to board the plane and say bye to home for a fortnight. A couple of hours later we landed in the middle of a rain storm; a greater greeting couldn’t been asked for.

We had expected to be hit by the heat, yet here we were standing soaked to the skin within 5 minutes of getting off the plane.

[wildmountainthyme]

this sounds like it's building up to something? not sure what, but would like to read more?
dan