Lurking

[CraigDGardiner]

Lurking 17/12/09

So stay with me tonight
Don’t let go of my hand
You’re looking at me with those icy blue eyes
But they’re fractured and I am screaming inside

I hold your hand with a limp wrist
Grasping tireless through the night
I cut my skin to see the colour within
Glistening like oil in flickering light

Smeared black ink
My palms are sweating
I‘m staring at the floor between your feet
Wondering whats buried underneath

Can we learn to forgive?
Through lost words with no certain voice
But to find a breathe where we were stood before
Lurking in the darkness amongst our cracks and flaws

I am clutching onto memories,
you were never any further
than a stone’s throw away.
Your shadow is with me, is mine with you?
A dark imitation of someone; I thought I once knew.

[Dalena]

Craig,

I think you have a great tonality to this poem that’s being overwhelmed by some of the lines having flaws in their construction.

“So stay with me
Don’t let go of my hand
You looking me in the eyes
But there empty and I am screaming inside”

Might read better……

Stay with me
don’t let go of my hand.
You look into my eyes
but they’re empty, I am screaming inside.

Small adjustments which make the lines deliver without the reader having to
try making sense while losing the crux of the statements.

“Smeared black ink
My palms are sweaty
I‘m staring at the floor between your feet
Wondering what buried underneath”

Again the reader is left in doubt as to what your image is.
I actually like the allusion in the first line of this verse as it sets a mood in my mind
But I’m having to guess rather than be guided how the black ink is being presented.

Smeared black with ink
my palms are sticky,
I’m staring at the floor beneath your feet
wondering what’s hidden below.

It’s possible to play around with alternative wording in verse two and utilise alternative wording which builds a stronger compulsion for the reader’s mind to enquire more.

“Can you forgive me again?
I don’t know what I said
But I hope you can find it once more
To cast that limp body amongst the cracks and flaws”

Verse three: struggles to resolve itself. It would do better at this point in the poem to pose the question and very clearly show the desired response in a way that is less confusing.

Will you forgive me again?
I barely recall my foolish words
and I hope you find it within you
to feel at ease between my cracks and flaws.

And finally…

“As close as it I don’t quite remember
But you were never too far
Just a stones throw away
Your shadow is with me, how about you?
A dark imitation of someone; I thought i once knew”

I am clutching onto memories,
you were never any further
than a stone’s throw away.
Your shadow is with me, is mine with you?
A dark imitation of someone; I thought I once knew.

The last verse is a little trickier because I’ve had to delve and delve to glean your intention
to make proper sense of what you are hoping to convey. I don’t want to try and put words in your mouth, but would like to offer you some alternative ways that are available to you in this poem’s delivery. It reads in a very calm empathetic way which I personally found endearing, while struggling at times to pull the rabbit out of the hat.

You invested time in your poem so obviously feel free to pick and choose from my suggestions. I like the poem and gave my time because I think with a little more work you might make this a very compelling piece.

Thanx

Dalena x

[David]

Craig, what poetry have you read lately? Who do you want to sound like?

David

[Marc]

I assumed he's writing from the pov of a Peter Tobin type character burying bodies beneath the floor. Presumably after tattoing them first (as you do), hence the ink on hands. He's obviously expecting his spouse to forgive him (again) and help him bury another limp body....
Alternative explanation welcomed!

Marc

[arunansu]

Craig, a nice poem. I feel Dalena has provided a helpful feedback. I second her regarding your first two strophes. I really liked the last one, may be no change is necessary there. I enjoyed the idea behind:

I‘m staring at the floor between your feet
Wondering what buried underneath
- I like the apprehension.

Nothing more to add.
Enjoyed.

[Lovely]

Dear you, this is powerful at once.

Thank you

Dave

[CraigDGardiner]

Hi there Dalena,

Thank you very much for your advice, it is greatly appreciated.

"It reads in a very calm empathetic way which I personally found endearing, while struggling at times to pull the rabbit out of the hat."

I think in a lot of my work, I too struggle to pull the rabbit out the hat. So it's probably quite true in the sort of person I am.

I'll be honest, I don't read that much poetry or famous works. I read the Poems on here but when I write things it is generally to express my own feelings. Hence why so much of the poems on here are expressions of my own experiences. I Struggle with my own emotions and I am always in conflict of these.

if any of you have suggestions of works to read, then that woud be helpful.

thanks

C

[David]

Craig, you'd probably find some of the old stuff a bit of a stretch - at first, at least, although you might well grow to love it - but if you want a good mixture of old, modern and just plain weird, I always recommend "The Rattle Bag" as a first anthology.

Others will have other suggestions for you, but that's mine. It's always good to see how other people have responded to situations that may be very similar to those you may find yourselves in.

Cheers

David

[Lake]

Hi Craig,

Here's a question that came to my mind when I read your other poem - why do you put the title in the quotation marks?

Cheers,

Lake

[Marc]

The Rattle Bag is an excellent anthology.
Marc

[Suzanne]

Craig,
I am slow in chiming in but wanted to tell you that I liked this and the mood.
There are so many strong suggestions in your replies already that I have nothing more to add.
i just wanted to say that I liked it and the imagery. Please edit and let's see it shine.

Suzanne

[Arian]

if any of you have suggestions of works to read, then that woud be helpful.

Hi Craig - David's initial question and later suggestion are both very sensible.

My own advice is somewhat more basic. It's this: read. That's it. Just read. Indiscriminately but frequently.
Although many people will have their own (perfectly reasonable) recommendations, you need to develop your own direction. If you make a habit of reading frequently,you'll soon find what you like and what you don't. In the process you'll find there's an osmotic effect - you'll unconsciously pick up a sense of "right and wrong" and begin to get a feel for the style you want for yourself.

Cheers
peter

[Lovely]

Brilliant and sincere these comments above!

May I mention "Milton" here or miltonics if you wish.

All true poets are really (strong within) they are a separate race of young gods (if true)
but with them and for them light makes her sound.

I hope this is not to deep it is a take from an old master.....Pope

[CraigDGardiner]

Thank you very much for all the advice and the feedback i have recieved. I am quite humbled to recieve so many responses to the things which I have written.

Please tell me you thoughts on this lastest revision.

C