I got a new tent for christmas

[Pauline]

Snow is falling all around,
I'm freezing in my tent.
I couldn't pull the zipper down,
cos my toggle's crushed and bent.

The front door's flapping in the wind,
snow is billowing in.
My toes have turned blue from the cold,
and there's icicles on my chin.

My mate has come to pick me up.
I wish that he'd come sooner.
I'm rigid in my sleeping bag,
packed like a freshly caught tuna.

He laughs when he sees the state I'm in,
He thinks that I am wacko.
"Come on mate, I'll cheer you up.
I'll treat you to a taco".

[arunansu]

Pauline, nice that a person gets some warmth in wintry days. Your rhyme pattern is a bit inconsistent. You have used a-b-a-b in the first two strophes,and then it went erratic.


Other than that, I enjoyed the read. Smiles.

[GONE AWAY]

Thanks for that, I really enjoyed it. It Made me smile.
All the best.
Ian.

[Arian]

Hello Pauline
I confess that this isn’t really my kind of thing – I guess you mean it as just a bit of fun. Hard to crit, seriously, really. It’s a good exercise in metrical consistency though - there's a couple of places where you break your own pattern.

For example, I'd say that the lines

My toes have turned blue from cold

(delete “the”)

And

packed like fresh-caught tuna.

Work better with the rhythm you’re using.

Cheers
peter

[anniecat]

Yes Peter is right, thought the exact myself, fun read though. AC

[Pauline]

Lol. Thanks for your comments guys. this was a bit of fun. I was challenged to write a poem with the words Tent, Tuna, Taco. Toggle, And Toe in it. This is what I came up with.

[Lake]

A question after reading this, pauline: Do you live in tent in winter or are you on a camping? Unless "tent" is used as a metaphor otherwise it is questionable. But everyone thinks differently.
It's fun reading nonetheless.

Lake

[Pauline]

No Lake, I dont live in a tent. It was just a bit of craic, bit of fun for a competition, but thanks anyway for taking the time to read my poem.

[Leigh]

Charming. Some beutifull images. A real feeling of warmth surrounds this poem- even with the chill round the tent.

[ladyteazle]

Pauline - I loved it. Poetry doesn't always have to be po-faced and serious. It certainly made me laugh.

[Pauline]

Thanks ladyteazle , glad it made you smile