Cat

[mbc]

Cat

Her sleek black pelt
is smooth in the moonlight
her eyes are slips of green.
She marks her patch
on the low red wall,
sits within the yellow arc
of the street lamp.

He pulls around the corner,
crawls to a halt.
She flicks her tail
high and drizzle slick.
as he beckons her over.
She follows the dance of his cigarette
orange tip lighting the night.

The exchange is brief,
detached.
A murmur and a purr
a rough tongued quick lick of cream
and the rustle of notes passed,
but never enough.

[ray miller]

I liked this a lot.Great colour in the first verse, wondered if "sits within the yellow/ arc of the street lamp." might be better.You need to lose the full stop after slick.I thought the ending "but never enough" were really fine, but "detached" is too erm...detached, needs summat before it, I think."a rough-tongued quick lick of cream", for rhythmic purposes you could lose "quick"?

[Arian]

Hi Mary,
First, welcome! It’s nice to be on the same forum again. I’m sure you’ll find it different, in a good way, to the “other place”. By which I don’t mean the House of Lords.

As to your piece, it's well up to your usual standard, in my view. It has an easy rhythm, and clear, unforced language which provides familiarity without straying into cliché. The twist of the narrative is very nicely disguised by S1, and I like the way you sustain the feline imagery. I especially liked

She flicks her tail
high and drizzle slick.

A couple of minor nits –

To my ear, the flow would be improved by punctuating this sequence as:

As he beckons her over,
she follows the dance of his cigarette,
orange tip lighting the night.

And the ending might be more dramatic with a new sentence – thus:

and the rustle of notes passed.
But never enough.

A very nice piece - good enough for the E forum, I think
Peter

PS – oh, and I think Ray's right - it should be rough-tongued (hyphenated).

[Suzanne]

Welcome mbc!

I like this very much. I think I am going to like you very much, too.

The title is just enough. The interaction is sparse and so I really liked the title after I read the piece.
The "slips of green" appealed to me as well. My mind first anticipated slits and when I read slips, I liked it very much. Nice creativity.

It is a lovely mood and, the poetic me, understands it very well..
the passing in the night sort of thing. My cat recently had claws though... lol.


I would end it

"it's never enough."

Again, a nice first post,

Welcome.

Suzanne

[anniecat]

Hi, on my first reading i didn't quiet get it, so have come back read again and i like it very much, sooo cat like, well done.AC

[Lake]

Hi mbc,

I too quite like it, like its detail, vividity. To me, it has a mystic and secretive feel, due to the atmosphere it created... the night setup, moonlight, green eyes, yellow arc of the lamp, cigarette
orange tip, brief exchanges...

Looking forward to reading more from you.

Lake

[arunansu]

Loved the read. I like how cleverly you have used the metaphor. No nits from me.
Enjoyed.

[mbc]

Thank you to everyone that has taken the time to read and comment on 'Cat'

Ray - glad you liked it and you're spot on with your suggestions. I was at that tricky stage where I knew the scan wasn't quite right, but couldn't get there myself. So, thanks again.

Peter - Hello! Thanks for telling me about this site. I can see it's going to be a great place to share and read work. Your comments are as insightful and helpful as ever. I'm not sure I'm up to standard for the 'Experienced' forum yet!

Suzanne, Arunansu, Lake and Anniecat thanks for the warm welcome and I'm so pleased you liked the poem.I'm looking forward to reading your work.

Mary.

[Arian]

I'm not sure I'm up to standard for the 'Experienced' forum yet!

I'm not sure I agree, Mary. But you won't know til you try!
cheers
peter

[Lovely]

"Her sleek black pelt is smooth in the moonlight"

O those blessed, worshipped, ancient gods........

nice title and touch to these fantastic animals they are true mysteries