A higher plane
We stand at the edge of a fjord,
a sheer cliff, a passport to a river
that heaves its way to the Norwegian Sea,
past little lives in little towns, sleepy
villages with walkers walking nowhere.
From behind me, you lift my face
to the sky, point to the exuberance
of the sun, the dream-fluff clouds
that have no weight or essentials that bind,
that dance and expand, drifting with ease.
My knees weaken, my soles feel the pull
of the ancient stones beneath me, I inhale
your dizzying ambiance that surrounds me
as blood tingles through my limbs, reaches my head.
And I look at you and wonder
are you going to protect me from the fall
or destroy me after I learn to fly?
.... fourth edit......
We stand at the edge of the fjord,
a sheer cliff, full drop to a river that heaves
its way to the Norwegian Sea,
past little lives in little towns, sleepy
villages with walkers walking nowhere.
From behind me, you lift my face to the sky,
point to the radiance of the sun, the silhouette
of the moon and to the dream-fluff clouds
that have no weight or elements that bind,
that dance and expand, drifting with ease.
My knees weaken, my soles feel the pull of ancient stones
beneath me, I inhale the dizzying atmosphere around me
as blood tingles through my limbs, reaches my head.
And I look at you
and wonder if you are going
to protect me from the fall
or destroy me if I learn to fly?
.........third try ---------------------------
We stand at the edge of the fjord,
sheer cliff, full drop into the river
that heaves its way to the Norwegian Sea,
past little towns and little lives, sleepy
villages with walkers aimlessly walking nowhere.
And I look to the sky, see the radiance
of the sun and the face of the moon,
the dream fluff clouds that have no weight
or elements that bind, that seem to dance
and expand, spinning to float with ease.
Knees weaken at the vision you've shown,
my soles feel the pull of ancient stones
through my boots and I inhale the dizzying atmosphere
as blood pulses through my limbs, reaches my head.
And I look to you
and wonder if you are going
to protect me from the fall
or beat the shit out of me
when I land.
---Second original lol----
A higher plane
We stand at the edge of the fjord,
sheer cliff, full drop into the river
that heaves its way to the Norwegian Sea,
past little towns and little lives, sleepy
villages with walkers walking nowhere.
And I look to the sky, see the wonders
of the sun and the face of the moon,
the dream fluff clouds that have no weights
or elements that burden, that seem to dance
and expand as they spin drifting with ease.
And look to you...
and I wonder if you are going
to protect me from the fall
or shear my wings off
when I land.
Original
A higher plane
We stand at the edge of the fjord,
sheer cliff, full drop into the river
that heaves its way to the Norwegian Sea,
past little towns and little lives, sleepy
villages with walkers walking nowhere.
And I look to the sky, see the wonders
of the sun and the face of the moon,
the dream fluff clouds that have no weights
or elements that burden, that seem to dance
and expand as they spin drifting with ease.
And look to you...
and I wonder if you are going
to protect me from the fall
or beat the shit out of me
when I land.
.
A higher plane (5th edit, a switch up)
Hi Suzanne,
not sure why the violence at the end? You could perhaps set it up more fully so we have a grasp of your questionning...
I think I'd change the walkers walking line. Perhaps: 'villages with aimless walkers' is enough? Your choice as always,
Marc
HNY
not sure why the violence at the end? You could perhaps set it up more fully so we have a grasp of your questionning...
I think I'd change the walkers walking line. Perhaps: 'villages with aimless walkers' is enough? Your choice as always,
Marc
HNY
Also preferred the original wing thing to 'beat shit out of me' which is apart from anything else a cliche!
Marc
Marc
Hmm, think i liked the first original best, then second but first/latest i don't know lost itself i bit i think, needs more tweaks but i do like the ideas behind it all and visuals 
AC
ACIt always happens when you least expect it. AC
Hmm, is he pointing you to a dream or to dream (fluffy) clouds?
Still not sure about the reasoning in the last line... would he destroy you after the jump? Are you asking: would he protect me or kill me by letting me fall?
Marc
Still not sure about the reasoning in the last line... would he destroy you after the jump? Are you asking: would he protect me or kill me by letting me fall?
Marc
Ah, much better, you've sorted out the dream/cloud issue and the jump/death bit is clearer.
I like the pull of ancient stones line.
I'm still not keen on walkers walking. It is of course what they do, and although this is deliberate I'm not keen on the stating the obvious angle of it!
Whatever...
Marc
I like the pull of ancient stones line.
I'm still not keen on walkers walking. It is of course what they do, and although this is deliberate I'm not keen on the stating the obvious angle of it!
Whatever...
Marc"see the radiance of the sun the face of the moon" good this. This is nicely improved. I won't give it my own personal but it's good.
A higher plane may refer to what here? Higher astral plane? then planes are needed as there are more than mere one plane. But it may mean something
different here and hard to tell in this.
Nice re-edit with feeling
A higher plane may refer to what here? Higher astral plane? then planes are needed as there are more than mere one plane. But it may mean something
different here and hard to tell in this.
Nice re-edit with feeling
-
ray miller
- Perspicacious Poster
- Posts: 7482
- Joined: Wed Apr 23, 2008 10:23 am
God, you do like to edit, don't you? I like the poem, first two verses in particular. I think you could lose several "me's". From behind me - beneath me - around me - you could lose around as well.
I don't like the ending, not any of them! If it were me I'd just say:
protect me from the fall
or not
I don't like the ending, not any of them! If it were me I'd just say:
protect me from the fall
or not
I'm out of faith and in my cups
I contemplate such bitter stuff.
I contemplate such bitter stuff.
-
Arian
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- Location: Hertfordshire, UK
Very nice, Suzanne. Definitely a good element of the trilogy (yes, I’ve read all three). It uses your usual relaxed language and easy creativity to address a well-worn subject without ever threatening to bore us, or stray into cliché.
I do think, though they’re just nits, that you need to watch the logic of your images. In L2, for example, you talk of
But nits, nits. The big picture is that I like it very much.
peter
I do think, though they’re just nits, that you need to watch the logic of your images. In L2, for example, you talk of
But the average reader would – surely – see a sheer cliff as an obstacle rather than a passport. Anda sheer cliff, a passport to a river
is repetitious, even tautological, as it’s implied by “ambience” that it will sourround you (that’s what it means).your dizzying ambiance that surrounds me
But nits, nits. The big picture is that I like it very much.
peter