Winter remember the autumn leaves.

[Leigh]

Night light air storm snow high up waits to kisses her apple cheeks red raw
if the rooftops are whiter than the floor
tender skin is a price she’ll pay-
she climbs into the attic, I lift the tiles away.

Church bells drop knells and bitter tears, when in gruesome light
tomorrow’s head rears you’ll be on a plane
a furnace for yesterdays.
Silence dried solid in your foot prints dot the landscape of these sludge covered street bottomed trenchess shafts sunk vertical between the rows of buildings.

we climb down my back into
the warm house with your sharp claws
away from rooftops that are whiter than the floors that now so slightly are lightly blackened
by rolling bodies and foot steps scores

[Amadeus]

I think I get what you're trying to say here, but I don't see it very clearly, and I think the main reason for that is the absence of correct grammar, punctuation and metre here. It makes it very difficult to read and understand. I like a lot of the imagery in the poem, especially the image of the contrast between the white snow and the red cheeks of the leaf( I'm assuming that we're talking about a leaf here, personified as a woman?).

Im not necessarily a big fan of rhyme, but I do think that this poem would benefit from some. You have in parts tried to rhyme, but have left large chunks without, which is a little disorienting for the reader.

I like the romantic thought of kissing goodbye to Autumn, but remember, dedications to the seasons in the form of poetry have been done and done by the masters for centuries, so this is a very difficult topic to touch on, and should be handled carefully.

Back to what I was saying about metre - this is, as I said, a somewhat Romantic topic, and as such, perhaps it could benefit from Iambic Pentameter. It would certainly allow the poem to scan better. I've been away from the boards and so I have not really had the opportunity to read any of your other posts, and so I don't know the extent of your knowledge with regards to poetry, so forgive me If I am already explaining something that you know - Iambic Pentameter is basically a particular rhythym in wich to write a line of poetry, and consits of an Iambic Foot, which scans as

da DUM

(the da is an unstressed syllable, and the DUM is a stressed syllable).

As pentameter suggestes, there are five of these feet in one line, so a line of Iambic Pentameter would look like

da DUM da DUM da DUM da DUM da DUM

So back to your poem, maybe it could read something like this:-?

The night air waits to kiss her apple cheeks red raw


To give the poem further structure, and to keep the beat interesting, I would suggest alternating between Iambic Pentameter, Iambic Tetrameter, which is exactly the same as Pentameter, only with four feet instead of five, and Iambic Hexameter (6 feet). So, a verse could look look like:

Iambic Pentameter
Iambic Tetrameter
Iambic Pentameter
Iambic Hexameter

So, going back to my example of what the piece could look like, with this variety of Pentameter and tetrameter, the first two lines could look something like

The night air waits to kiss her apple cheeks red raw
The rooftops whiter than the floor
Some tender skin is a price she'll have to pay - *
She climbs into the attic; I lift the tiles away

*not necessarily a great example of pentameter, as the a is kind of irregular to the meter, but it still works.

Try playing around with meter and rhyme.

Sorry to have been so negative, but I hope I can be of some help.

Regards
Gaz

[firefly]

I love the idea behind this poem, and the imagery is lovely, but, like Amadeus, I found it difficult to read. I completely agree with his suggestions about punctuation and metre. I'm sure if you try out some of the ideas he's so kindly taken the time to help you with, this poem could, potentially be a very nice read.
It needs to have more flow to it to properly engage the reader. Good luck with it and thanks for sharing.

[arunansu]

I agree with Amadeus regarding the meter scheme, myself not very good at that. Thematically, though an oft-written plot perhaps, yet you've managed to hold the attention of the reader till the end. Phrases like "she climbs into the attic", "your sharp claws" etc made me think of feline creatures,lol! Was it intended?

The line starting with "Silence dried solid in your foot prints dot the landscape of these sludge covered street bottomed trenchess ..." needs stoppages, man!

Well done. Enjoyed.

[Suzanne]

Leigh,
I liked this very much. It is one of your most, hmmm, compact? tightest? poems.
It is very tempting to use these words and arrange them into something ofmy own, lol. Really great images but they are a bit out of focus for me.

Enjoyed in a sort of experiential way,
Suzanne

[mesmie]

hello Leigh

I didn't have a problem with the whole poem, well constructed and I thoroughly enjoyed the long lines, great imagery and to be honest one of the best poems I have read in quite a while..

Yeah liked it!!
mes