Amalgamating

New to poetry? Unsure about the quality of your work? Then why not post here to receive some gentle feedback.
Post Reply
User avatar
anniecat
Prolific Poster
Prolific Poster
Posts: 504
Joined: Mon Jun 05, 2006 1:12 pm
Location: Derby

Sat Jan 09, 2010 6:54 pm

Who am i?
Am i you?
A face,
mind, hiding.

Who are you?
Am i you?
Us, masquerading,
false, image.

A masked imposter
inside a body,
yours, mine.
Ours, pretending.

You are me,
i am you,
entwined,
or cloned?


Two
not one,
us, thinking
we.

Problems shared
and felt as one,
us,
not one.

Complete
together,
forever
amalgamating.
Last edited by anniecat on Sat Jan 23, 2010 4:08 am, edited 3 times in total.
It always happens when you least expect it. AC
David
Moderator
Moderator
Posts: 13973
Joined: Sat Feb 18, 2006 4:40 pm
Location: Ellan Vannin

Sat Jan 09, 2010 9:51 pm

Are you wondering in front of the mirror again, Annie? This got pretty confusing for me, but actually that's good, given the subject matter. If I've got the subject matter right, that is.

Cheers

David
User avatar
anniecat
Prolific Poster
Prolific Poster
Posts: 504
Joined: Mon Jun 05, 2006 1:12 pm
Location: Derby

Sat Jan 09, 2010 10:16 pm

Thanks for reading it, yes you got it right but the original was about coupling, ie: being wed and how two people become one, joined at the hip, as they say, two peas in a pod/merging, then as you say, think of a mirror image and yes there is another side to it (twin personality) everyone has another side, most often hid from the nearest and dearest and out of the real world.
Be open people face your demons. :twisted: AC
It always happens when you least expect it. AC
firefly
Posts: 26
Joined: Thu Jan 07, 2010 8:42 pm

Sun Jan 10, 2010 12:59 am

A very interesting poem. To me this write is great until the line 'in wedding vows' in the fourth stanza. Up until that point, you really drew me in. I thought it was edgy and slightly creepy, perhaps about a person struggling to find out 'who they really are', or, even something more sinister, like a split personality at work.

To me, the poem, which is really good, would be so much better if you removed that line. The title is great, and I see where you're coming from, I've 'amalgamated' with my husband - such a brilliant way of describing the emotional union of the joined at the hip gang!

Thanks for sharing, I enjoyed the read. :)
firefly
User avatar
anniecat
Prolific Poster
Prolific Poster
Posts: 504
Joined: Mon Jun 05, 2006 1:12 pm
Location: Derby

Sun Jan 10, 2010 12:26 pm

Thank you for your time Firefly how about "in tied vows"
Glad you liked it.AC
It always happens when you least expect it. AC
Lovely
Perspicacious Poster
Perspicacious Poster
Posts: 2194
Joined: Sat Feb 14, 2009 10:37 am
antispam: no

Tue Jan 12, 2010 1:14 am

I won't touch this work of yours.


I found the imagination here striking at once. You have talent.


If I get some time now I will almalgamate wth you a bit more.

Like so many great people here---------one feels humbled for the honour to
read her.............."You are me, I am You"
User avatar
anniecat
Prolific Poster
Prolific Poster
Posts: 504
Joined: Mon Jun 05, 2006 1:12 pm
Location: Derby

Tue Jan 12, 2010 9:05 am

Thankyou Lovely you lovely person, i'm so glad you liked it. AC
It always happens when you least expect it. AC
arunansu
Perspicacious Poster
Perspicacious Poster
Posts: 2873
Joined: Sun Feb 11, 2007 3:01 pm
Location: INDIA
Contact:

Tue Jan 12, 2010 12:10 pm

Dear Anniecat,

Fascinating poem. But I agree with Firefly re the "wedding vows" line. Smiles.
Nothing to add. Loved it.
User avatar
anniecat
Prolific Poster
Prolific Poster
Posts: 504
Joined: Mon Jun 05, 2006 1:12 pm
Location: Derby

Wed Jan 13, 2010 12:57 am

Thanks dear arunansu, how about in tied vows :D
It always happens when you least expect it. AC
arunansu
Perspicacious Poster
Perspicacious Poster
Posts: 2873
Joined: Sun Feb 11, 2007 3:01 pm
Location: INDIA
Contact:

Thu Jan 14, 2010 8:29 am

Yeah, that's a better, much better alternative. Smiles.
User avatar
anniecat
Prolific Poster
Prolific Poster
Posts: 504
Joined: Mon Jun 05, 2006 1:12 pm
Location: Derby

Thu Jan 14, 2010 10:07 am

Thanks, it is done :D
It always happens when you least expect it. AC
User avatar
mesmie
Prolific Poster
Prolific Poster
Posts: 722
Joined: Thu Oct 09, 2008 10:21 pm
Location: North West UK
Contact:

Sat Jan 16, 2010 9:59 pm

hello Annicat :)

I too enjoyed the structure and the reading down of your piece..it flows well to my mind..yet personally I would take all mention of it being a marriage or vow of any kind out as this would offer more scope of imagination to the reader..only a personal view mind, sometimes I do enjoy a bit of ambiguity in writes lol..but good stuff indeed.

thanks
mes
User avatar
mesmie
Prolific Poster
Prolific Poster
Posts: 722
Joined: Thu Oct 09, 2008 10:21 pm
Location: North West UK
Contact:

Sat Jan 16, 2010 9:59 pm

hello Annicat :)

I too enjoyed the structure and the reading down of your piece..it flows well to my mind..yet personally I would take all mention of it being a marriage or vow of any kind out as this would offer more scope of imagination to the reader..only a personal view mind, sometimes I do enjoy a bit of ambiguity in writes lol..but good stuff indeed.

thanks
mes
User avatar
anniecat
Prolific Poster
Prolific Poster
Posts: 504
Joined: Mon Jun 05, 2006 1:12 pm
Location: Derby

Sun Jan 17, 2010 3:53 am

Hmm thanks Mesmie, yes i can see what you mean, i will look into it AC
It always happens when you least expect it. AC
firefly
Posts: 26
Joined: Thu Jan 07, 2010 8:42 pm

Sat Jan 23, 2010 3:22 am

Hello anniecat, I still love this poem, but I agree with mesmie about removing the links to marriage in it. To me, it just takes the edge off of an edgy piece of writing.

Until the marriage reference, this had my imagination working over-time, and I particularly enjoy that kind of write.

Just my opinion, either way, it's a great poem!!

Thanks a lot
firefly :)
User avatar
anniecat
Prolific Poster
Prolific Poster
Posts: 504
Joined: Mon Jun 05, 2006 1:12 pm
Location: Derby

Sat Jan 23, 2010 4:11 am

Thanks Firefly, i think you might like it now :D
It always happens when you least expect it. AC
Post Reply