I'll let you know if I have any luck with it
Cheers again,
Raine.
Poem removed (competition rules)
Thanks to everyone who commented, I made a few edits as a result of your suggestions and have entered the finished piece into a competition. Unfortunately its removal from the internet is one of the entry rules.
I'll let you know if I have any luck with it
Cheers again,
Raine.
I'll let you know if I have any luck with it
Cheers again,
Raine.
Last edited by Raine on Wed Feb 03, 2010 9:34 pm, edited 2 times in total.
All aspects of language are tools of the poet; line-broken narrative serves an intent.
Take cliché, miss pelling and hyphen'd syllabics. Mould them with form and artistic intent. :-)
Take cliché, miss pelling and hyphen'd syllabics. Mould them with form and artistic intent. :-)
Hi Raine. This works quite nicely as a nonsense poem with menacing undertones. The loony-bin ending is slightly disappointing to me though. I would prefer your thrimbling vigilante to still be out there, loose in the woods.
Good writing. The cadence matches the tone of voice very neatly. I'm imagining an extra from Deliverance or a sort of retarded Ned Kelly.
Good writing. The cadence matches the tone of voice very neatly. I'm imagining an extra from Deliverance or a sort of retarded Ned Kelly.
fine words butter no parsnips
Yes, I'd agree with that. Something strange about those names, though. Is "ipso facto" relevant at all? I'm way off, aren't I?k-j wrote:Hi Raine. This works quite nicely as a nonsense poem with menacing undertones.
Yes, I'd agree with that too.k-j wrote:Good writing.
Cheers
David
-
Arian
- Perspicacious Poster
- Posts: 2718
- Joined: Tue Aug 11, 2009 8:41 am
- antispam: no
- Location: Hertfordshire, UK
I confess it's a bit too stylised for my taste, so any comment from me isn't worth having.
For what it's worth, though, I think it's imaginative writing - even if (and, as I say, I'm not a lover of this kind of thing, I can take little from it, so ignore me) it strikes me as a fraction derivative.
Cheers
peter
For what it's worth, though, I think it's imaginative writing - even if (and, as I say, I'm not a lover of this kind of thing, I can take little from it, so ignore me) it strikes me as a fraction derivative.
Cheers
peter
-
ray miller
- Perspicacious Poster
- Posts: 7482
- Joined: Wed Apr 23, 2008 10:23 am
I liked it without being bowled over.Maybe more consistent rhyming would have helped.
"and often comes to mop my brow" sounds convoluted and at odds with the remainder.
"and often comes to mop my brow" sounds convoluted and at odds with the remainder.
I'm out of faith and in my cups
I contemplate such bitter stuff.
I contemplate such bitter stuff.
-
Ros
- Moderator
- Posts: 7963
- Joined: Sun Dec 07, 2008 4:53 pm
- antispam: no
- Location: this hill-shadowed city/of razors and knives.
- Contact:
I like this - I like the sonics and the cadence. I like the mix of made up and colloquial. I agree that the bit about
and often comes to mop my brow a lady with
doesn't quite fit the voice.
Ros
and often comes to mop my brow a lady with
doesn't quite fit the voice.
Ros
Rosencrantz: What are you playing at? Guildenstern: Words. Words. They're all we have to go on.
___________________________
Antiphon - www.antiphon.org.uk
___________________________
Antiphon - www.antiphon.org.uk
-
bodkin
- Perspicacious Poster
- Posts: 3182
- Joined: Sun Dec 21, 2008 9:51 pm
- antispam: no
- Location: Two inches behind my eyes just above the bridge of my nose.
Hi Raine,
I enjoyed this, but I wonder if there is a bit of a clash between the sinister undertone and the playful made up words?
I'm not necessary suggesting moving away from made up words altogether, just perhaps toning them down a bit. Possibly bringing in some of the disdain the N must feel?
I think the end might be stronger that way also.
HTH
Ian
I enjoyed this, but I wonder if there is a bit of a clash between the sinister undertone and the playful made up words?
I'm not necessary suggesting moving away from made up words altogether, just perhaps toning them down a bit. Possibly bringing in some of the disdain the N must feel?
I think the end might be stronger that way also.
HTH
Ian
http://www.ianbadcoe.uk/