The Garden Robin

[Suzanne]

The Garden Robin


I am a robin,
curious watcher of man,
coming close to observe the movement
of limbs, a bobbing head in a hat, gloved hands
lifting nature's burdens off tender shoots.

I am a robin,
curious watcher of man,
silently overseeing his daily task
of making new paths through old overgrowth,
of cutting back the lifeless, of renewing his soil.

I am a robin,
curious watcher of man,
nodding at the wild made orderly,
balancing on stakes in upright declarations,
unafraid of new lights hung on a hewn post.

I am a robin,
curious watcher of man,
intoxicated by the scent
of his moss covered stepping stones,
of his green-toed boots shuffling through
fragrant grasses.

I am a robin,
curious watcher of man,
independently traveling my course,
returning each day to find seed
laid out expectantly and understanding
he watches for me.



.semicolons removed

[Lake]

Hi Suzanne,

Very pleasant to read and a feel of spring. Like the personification, too.

I only have one concern about the use of semicolon which I'm not sure of myself, but thought to bring it up anyway.

I am a robin,
curious watcher of man;
coming close to observe the movement
of limbs, a bobbing head in a hat, gloved hands
lifting nature's burdens off tender shoots.

Take S1 for example, I thought semicolons should be used to separate clauses of equal importance. But in this poem, the part before ";" is the main clause, the one after it is a -ing clause. Am I correct? Any help?

Many thanks,

Lake

[arunansu]

Hi Su,

A pleasant read beyond doubt, although I'm not too keen to repeat the first two lines in every strophe.

I'd make it :

I am a robin,
curious watcher of man,
coming close to observe the movement
of limbs, a bobbing head in a hat, gloved hands
lifting nature's burdens off tender shoots

Silently overseeing his daily task
of making new paths through old overgrowth,
of cutting back the lifeless, of renewing his soil

Nodding at the wild made orderly,
balancing on stakes in upright declarations,
unafraid of new lights hung on a hewn post

Intoxicated by the scent
of his moss covered stepping stones,
of his green-toed boots shuffling through
fragrant grasses

I am a robin,
curious watcher of man,
independently traveling my course,
returning each day to find seed
laid out expectantly and understanding
he watches for me.


Hope this helps.

[ray miller]

You maybe need full colons after man, though I'm not sure.
I wondered if it might be better without "curious" - I am a robin, watcher of man.
I think "from tender shoots" better than "off".
I like "nodding at the wild made orderly, balancing on stakes in upright declarations".
Is there meant to be some tension between independence and dependence in the last verse?
Semicolons Removed would be a nice title for a poem!

[Danté]

Suzanne ,

I liked this and don't personally have a problem with repetition in this instance as that's a practice which is available and can be used
to drive the lyrical nature of the lines and give it the feeling of a subtle chant. The burdens and tender shoots reinforce the renewal aspect
of the piece and drive it towards an unstated spring. I did wonder if your robin is a cock in the feathered sense of course and not a clever
metaphor in relation to another kind. This was simply to decide if I should visualise the red breast in the cold air or presume the personification
is in accordance with the author's gender? In fact having thought a little more, one is able as a reader to take that role which is clever
as I find with reading of poetry that is present tense, a good amount of additional insight can be gleaned by reading from the perspective of the I.
I'd imagine that the moss will be great for lining a nest at a later date, and there is much else of relevance tucked in the lines if one
delves for a while. I also noted the clustering of vowel sounds in each respective verse which is subtle and effective.

I also think the repetition and language makes this a fun poem for children to read if one were to temper the more complex areas in V3 and V5.

enjoyed

all the best

Tim

[Lake]

Repetition in this poem is fine with me, too.

Semicolons Removed would be a nice title for a poem!

Yeah, a good one!

[Arian]

An interesting piece, this Suzanne, with some nicely phrased observations. In my view, there’s nothing wrong at all in repeating parts of a stanza – there’s lots of well-known examples – and I think you’ve done it to good effect. You could also go for a variation on the theme which has a similar poetic effect, but (in my opinion) adds interest. Thus, for example:


I am a robin,
curious watcher of man,
coming close to observe the movement
of limbs, a bobbing head in a hat, gloved hands
lifting nature's burdens off tender shoots.

I am a robin,
curious watcher of man,
Silently overseeing his daily task
of making new paths through old overgrowth,
of cutting back the lifeless, of renewing his soil.

Nodding at the wild made orderly,
balancing on stakes in upright declarations,
unafraid of new lights hung on a hewn post,
I am a robin,
a curious watcher of man.

I am a robin –
a curious watcher of man,
Intoxicated by the scent
of his moss-covered stepping stones,
of his green-toed boots shuffling through
fragrant grasses.

I am a robin,
independently traveling my course,
returning each day to find seed
laid out expectantly and understanding
he watches for me.
But I watch him, too. For
I am a curious watcher of man.

Cheers
peter

[Lovely]

Somehow, this reminds me of Yeats. That overbearing powerful way he presents a poem to one. Good (poetic license) with the repeats here. "I am
a robin, curious watcher of man"


The robin to takes on a personality of his or her own. Hope it's not to deep for you. Very nicely felt Su.

I agree with Lake about the semicolon use but looking at it again it seems ok. Pope was a great fan of the "semicolon" though it
was used or abused at the end of him tagging to many verses in one stanza I think. Just a thought.



Thanks, Su

[Absinthe Friend]

I enjoyed this piece. I am a fan of the repetition and feel it drives the poem. I especially love the personification and the idea of the bird being a people watcher a wonderful inversion. as for semi colons I have never been a slave to punctuation it can become an obssession that stifles the creative flow.

Love the poem.

[Elphin]

Nicely written Suzanne.

Repitition is a perfectly acceptable poetic device and I think quite appropriate for the Robin who turns up each day and each year and seems to be watching us.

I liked the third stanza most of all and I thought the twist at the end was just fine. It reminds me of another poem where the watcher is the watched but I just cant remember what it is.

My only criticism is that I think it could be shorter. I think the images of man in s1 and s2 are too close and the phrase re movement of limbs makes the same point less effectively than the bobbing hat. Choose the best phrases and images would be my suggestion.

For variation I think Arian's point about moving the repeat lines to the end is a good one.

cheers

elph

[Suzanne]

Thank you everyone for the replies. I am pleasantly surprised at the kind comments. Lake, thank you for the semicolon tips. I am glad you mentioned it right away so I could removed them, and yes, Ray and Lake, it would be a fun title. The suggestion made me laugh.

Thanks Aru for the time you took to rework it.
Lovely, thanks for the reference to Yeats. It was encouraging.
Peter, thanks for the ideas about changing the pattern to add interest.
AF, welcome to PG and thank you for the supportive repetition comment.
Elphin, thanks for the ideas on how to make it tighter and shorter.

Tim, Thanks for the lengthy reply an input. Your ideas about reading it from different genders and perspectives added to my understanding of how it was read.
The parts that may be ify for children were well hidden, don't you think? Perhaps, I have been watching you like a Robin, taking notes. lol.


This one, I am leaving as it is with no edits. See, I can be a little stubborn. I do conceded that it is a bit long but will leave it until it is clear what I would like to removed.

A very warm thank you for the time and the replies,
Suzanne

[firefly]

I really enjoyed this read. I think the personification is nice and the repetition is fine. It gave me a real sense of spring and the imagery is lovely.

(I must take note of the semi-colon tip, I never quite know what to do with them!)

Anyway, a great poem all round, well penned.

firefly

[Suzanne]

Thank you, firefly. I am glad that you liked it. Spring is far, far away for me.
We have so much snow that a person could get lost up here in the north woods.

Thanks you for your time,
Warmly,
Suzanne

[mesmie]

gosh Suz I almost missed this one

This has recieved comprehensive crit and I really enjoy reading a poem followed by all the different opinions!
unafraid of new lights hung on a hewn post..lovely.
so many good lines within.
I thought it glorious

many thanks

mes x

[David]

Suzanne, I do like that repeated refrain -

I am a robin,
curious watcher of man

and the way it keeps recurring through the poem. It makes me think of the robin singing from different corners of the garden.

Cheers

David

[Suzanne]

mesmie and david, thank you so much' i am delighted to have such a good number me replies to this one. I am not a lover of spring time so, lol, when the end of march polls around i'll bring this robin to mind and it may seem sweeter.

Warmly, Suzanne

[Lovely]

Love