My Mistress

[Absinthe Friend]

My mistress visits me every night
Intoxicating wiles weave strange delight
Seductive spirit that salves all scars
She leaves me in gutters staring at stars

She takes my will and thins my blood
Alters mood for bad or good
She clouds my head and dims my sight
Her addiction feeds my lonely night

Powerless, she preys upon my pains
Her warm salvation fills my veins
She alters mind and gives false reason
A devil raising war and treason

In the morning she’s gone, her love is dead
Replaced by aching limbs and head
Her poison spills from vomit vile
Searing pains and rising bile

But when the evening comes once more
I welcome back my liquid whore
To bring oblivion, my favoured state
To ease my fear and tame my hate

I know I’m weak, I am her slave
She kills me with my need and crave
And though she takes me to the brink
She is my love, my life, my drink.

[Danté]

I thought you delivered the content in a way that makes the piece a compelling read with some pleasant descriptions which cover a whole variety effects. The areas of the poem that stand out in respect of my own take on potential improvement are as follows. The capitalisation at the beginning of each line looks a bit formal and is not backed up by a consistent approach to the meter which varies in so much as the accents are resulting in varying types of feet and the number of feet per line is also inconsistent, the result of which is the end line rhymes are driving the poem while the reader can become unsettled by what appears to be an application of iamb and something that comes close to anapest. It's almost like a spondee effect in some lines, so I'm wondering if it would be better to settle on a consistent rhythm or if you want a variance within each verse, you might want to take charge of it, set your pattern and deliver it with authority as opposed to letting it do its own thing. I suppose you could be writing from a perspective of being inebriated and the meter is stumbling along in a drunken stupor, in which case the capitalisations are a little pretentious.

I'd be inclined to shorten the whole thing by one verse and distribute that material throughout the poem whilst nailing the meter in regular lines.
But then, this being the first time I've encountered work posted by your identity I'm not sure how receptive you might be to reworking your poems.
My gut feeling is that you know your way around this board already

Regards

Danté

[Suzanne]

Welcome AF,

I enjoyed this. It held my interest and i thought it was universal enough for the reader to relate to.
Dante and given some good ideas in his crit. I agree with him about the meter and capital letters.

Nice variety of language and good images. Thanks.
Suzanne

[mesmie]

hello

winks at Dante

Some nice lines within and as Dante has given quite a comprehensive crit, I cannot think of anymore to say except I think your idea on this is a good one and would love to see it revised..

looking forward to reading you again

mes x

[Absinthe Friend]

Thank you all for your crit, well thankyou Dante,everyone else seems to be in your awe. I am a poet who does not want to be constrained by punctuation. The capitalisation was an accident of using microsoft word, I appreciate your comments and will take on board the advice you have given. I will not be "revising" this work as I am personally happy with it. ( A poet should write for themselves) but I will take heed of your advice for future submissions. Thank you all

[Lovely]

I wonder if you know?

Smart poem but lacks the wonder. Kiss her for energy please.

[Lovely]

She takes my will and frees me, is better.


Dave

[joy]

What I find disappointing about the poem
Is your use of, mistress, she, she’s, her, whore, as women are the down fall,
They are the names of anger, frustration, its bent speak, I would have use many others words
Than woman’s names for me that’s what stood out for me.

Joy twomooms

[Universal Traveler]

Hello there,

I thoroughly enjoyed this, a good read indeed. I think you already have some real good critique for this piece, but i have some ideas i think may improve meter:

For the 1st stanza, I think you can simply cut the word 'she' from the fourth line, other than that I think the meter is spot on. An option is to change the first two lines to:

'My mistress visits, every night
Intoxicating wiles, strange delight'

The pauses I believe add to it, but thats just my opinion.

The second stanza is one of my favorites, the first and third lines are perfect in terms of stressed syllables, great flow here, and clever language.

The 4th stanza could have one minor change; instead of 'In the morning', a better version would 'Come the morning'.

Thanks for posting,
UT.

[arunansu]

Just like to add that I enjoyed the read, and love how you've evolved the theme. I'm not a specialist on meters, but I do agree that if you use end rhymes throughout, then it's better that you use a consistent metric pattern. Enjoyed.

[Absinthe Friend]

What I find disappointing about the poem
Is your use of, mistress, she, she’s, her, whore, as women are the down fall,
They are the names of anger, frustration, its bent speak, I would have use many others words
Than woman’s names for me that’s what stood out for me.

Joy twomooms

Thank you for your crit Joy. The use of the female is not meant to be an attack on women, it is all about the weakness of men and their seeming inability to be faithful and independent. My poem tries to paint a picture of a self loathing male who is dependent on alcohol as his crutch and who is in effect "cheating" on his partner with this all consuming "mistress".

Thanks to all

Mark

[joy]

dear absinthe friend,

Your poem was well written; using woman’s names laboured the poem,
Being a poet is to tell without telling, a poet bring invention to a word,
What i mean Shakespeare—king Lear ---vengeances of heaven fall-------

Use something like that, not in the same context as he did------

Instead of she------ use your gift of imagination--------

Go out -side your thinking,

I hope that clear thing up on what i was saying,

Joy two moons