la camisa negra edit

[amberleaf]

Wearing only a G string
and a little black tee shirt,
in mourning for my lost love,
I sip champagne
from a fluted art deco glass,
and dance around my
kitchen to the sound
of my favourite Spanish tunes.
I lose myself in the music,
and thoughts of you
are danced away,
as I put on a show
for the guy who lives
out my back, and is
watching me
from an upstairs window.





Wearing only a G string
made out of fishing wire,
and a little black tee shirt,
in mourning of my lost love,
I sip champagne
from a fluted art deco glass,
and dance around my
kitchen to the sound
of my favourite Spanish tunes.
I am filled with pain.
I don’t know what hurts more,
my broken heart, or my arse?
The champagne helps
to numb both.

[Crustyman]

Masochist: Hit me ! Kick me ! Stick pins in me ! Stamp on me !
Sadist :No !

This isn't a poem. It's a description of mildly self-harming behaviour, and almost adolescent self pity. Its merits are its clarity and pithiness.
Why does the writer think anyone else would be interested ?

[amberleaf]

Whoa! You wanna ease up Crusty. You'll give yourself a heart attack.
Cor, that really stirred you up didn't it.
There's no self pity here mate. I enjoy a bit of pain.
By the way, you picked a great name. Really suits ya.

[Danté]

I thought this was quite entertaining, the images seem pretty sharp, as they did in the doormat post that vanished.
Spanish and pain, very nicely placed, I like that.
The celebratory nature of champagne is also well used in a sarcastic way which is nicely done,

yes, I like this

regards

Danté

[ray miller]

Yes, nice bit of humour, I liked it, although I wince a bit at the fishing wire.Suggestions: G-string and T- shirt? I'd have "mourning for" rather than of but I don't suppose it's that important.
I think the favourite Spanish tunes is a nice touch. I'd have "The champagne/ helps to numb both." just to emphasise the rhyme with pain, and add a little pathos.

[Lovely]

Ok you it is good.


Don't have time now.........but you Wow!

You are ok. You say from the heart.......

[amberleaf]

Thank you guy’s for your comments.
This was written and sent in haste.
A very bad habit I have.
I couldn’t remove it because Crusty had very kindly left me a delightful message, so it was left there for all to see.
Never mind, hopefully it will be on the next page shortly and out of sight.
Ya live and learn don’t ya.

[David]

I like it. Up to the Spanish tunes, anyway. It tails off badly there, I think, but still, with a little tinkering at the end it could be very good.

I'm afraid "amberleaf" (I'm getting a bit bored of all these pseudonyms) is right, Crusty. You might not like her poem, which is fine and dandy and entirely up to you, but I'd prefer you to be less crushing about communicating that opinion.

Cheers

David

[arunansu]

I don't know Spanish, so can't comment on the title, but I like the spirit of the poem. Good one.

[dedalus]

You're doing fine. Get rid of the fishing wire ... of course it hurts!! Check with weaver for tips on lingerie.

[Pauline]

Cheers Lads.
Squidward, sorry Crusty doesn't bother me in the slightest.
Aru, the title is simply "Black tee shirt". It's my favorite Spanish song. I just love the song. It's so lively and feel good. When translated into English, it's soooo corny and cheesy, but hey, I like it.
Dedalus, I do have some great sexy underwear, I was only kidding about the G string made outta fishing wire, but thanks for the tips. You can never have enough sexy lingerie.
Who is weaver? I may get in touch?
David, you shame me into a confession.
OK, I come clean.
I feel very embarrassed to say that I missed you guys, and I wanna be part of your gang again.
If ya don't mind.
I feel bad about the deceit,

[ray miller]

So did you go to the crematorium as your real self or in disguise?
I'm all for women removing their camisa negra, of course, but I couldn't understand why you were contemplating removing the poem. There's not a great deal wrong with it and if you felt there was then just revise it.

[Pauline]

Lol, I was my real self at the crem Ray.
My poem was shit, that's why I wanted to remove it. I was having a melodromatic moment.
It's not worth revising.

[Lovely]

keep her. it happens to us. Please keep her. You may wish to change her later
but please don't destroy her


Dave

[Raine]

I think it's an absolute gem. Original and funny and sad.

[David]

Aw shucks. Didn't mean to shame you, Pauline5 (what are you, some sort of sexbot? And what happened to your four predecessors?) - it's just that you have nothing to be ashamed of about your past history. Let's celebrate it, not hide it.

And don't forget, the general consensus seems to be that you have at least 75% of a very good poem here.

Cheers

David

[Pauline]

Thanks Ray Lovely Raine and David. Much appreciated.

[David]

A veritable improvement. Not, perhaps, the last word, but close to it.

Cheers

David

[Pauline]

Thank you David.
As you can see, I have removed my fishing wire g string, so it's a lot less painful lol

[ray miller]

Very nice, Pauline. Your last post makes it appear that David is the guy in the upstairs window. We've all suspected as much.

[Danté]

It's a good edit Pauline, it's great to see you back, I look forward to reading more of your work.

all the best

Danté

[Pauline]

Ray, It weren't meant that way. You have read it wrong lol.
Thanks Danté. It's nice to be back. Thanks for your friendly welcome.

[anniecat]

You could of tried/wore cheese wire that might of had a good effect also..........sorry
It nearly started a riot Ha ha! well done.AC

[anniecat]

Great song i looked it up

[Pauline]

Lol, cheers AC.
You sound like a girl after my own heart.
Class song isn't it. So feel good. I have it on repeat, and nearly know all the words.
Mind you, if you translate it, you will laugh your head off at the lyrics. Sooo funny.