Drawn out

[Ros]

Sheep and pigs stare deadpan from the page
believing they’ve a role in this adventure
about a goose and flying south, conviction

and betrayal. The story’s told in rhyme
that rattles like a train fixed in its track,
eyes forward. It’s no concern to me the pig

will never see the goose again. The journey
south is destined for catastrophe, the bird
shot by insurgents in a civil war, the pig

left hanging, never to be told the truth.
It doesn’t matter to the author; she
can turn the page, strike through the words

and flick the points, allow the train to bolt
along a different track, sidestepping hazards,
unaware of buffers on the final page.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
original

The illustrations edge towards the margins
but she’s drawn a fence to keep them in-
white posts receding into distant fields.

Sheep and pigs stare deadpan from the page
believing they’ve some part in this enigma
about a goose and flying south, conviction

and betrayal. The story’s told in rhyme
that rattles like a train fixed in its track,
eyes forward. It’s no concern to me the pig

will never see the goose again. The journey
south is destined for catastrophe, the bird
shot by insurgents in a civil war, the pig

left hanging, never told the truth.
It doesn’t matter to the author, either; she
who can turn the page, erase the words

and flick the points, allow the train to bolt
along a different track, eyes still fixed on the future,
still unaware of buffers on the final page.

[ray miller]

Liked it a lot.Has an Animal Farm atmosphere."turn the page, erase the words and flick the points" excellent.
I'd have thought simply "picture" would have sufficed rather than "enigma", resonates with conviction too.
"the pig left hanging" is good.
I'd get rid of "still" before "unaware".

[Ros]

Thanks Ray, good points.

[twoleftfeet]

Hi Ros,

Like Ray I think the "hanging pig" is v good.

and flick the points, allow the train to bolt
along a different track, eyes still fixed on the future,
still unaware of buffers on the final page.

- this didn't work for me because if the "eyes" belong to the author, she knows about the buffers; the train does not know
but the idea of a train having eyes is too surreal IMHO.
Something like "towards an unexpected/unknown station" ? Just a suggestion.

Enjoyed
Geoff

[David]

I like the voice in this, Ros - it definitely sounds as though you know what you're doing - but some of the details didn't crystallise for me, especially in the opening stanza.

and flick the points, allow the train to bolt
along a different track, eyes still fixed on the future,
still unaware of buffers on the final page.

- this didn't work for me because if the "eyes" belong to the author, she knows about the buffers;

I agree with Geoff about that. In fact I thought you were describing the (young) reader's point of view in the final lines.

The succinct description of the plot in the middle of the poem, however, witty and economical, is really good.

Cheers

David

[Oskar]

Ros

An entertaining read. You've written some very enjoyable lines -
The story's told in rhyme / that rattles like a train fixed in its track - is a corker.
I also liked shot by insurgents in a civil war, as it gives the poem a contemporary feel (Iraq), although the hanging pig made me think of Mussolini dangling by his ankles after his execution. Deeply unpleasant!

I wonder if you really need those opening four lines? S2 would probably do the same job if you adopt Ray's idea of changing this enigma to this picture.

I'm also not sure about -

It doesn’t matter to the author, either

- the author, either tend to clash against one another, to my ear. I'd prefer to read a smoother sounding line.

A good poem.

Cheers

[Ros]

Geoff, David, Oskar, thanks. This one didn't feel finished and you've given me some good ideas. I'll see what I can do about the eyes.

Ros

[Lovely]

An entertaining read. Ross.

Where are you going in this though?

"white posts receding into distant fields" what do you mean?

You have a talent. keep cool you. I must look at you now. Need to study
and know you as poet. I will revise you. You do have power though. It's important.


Central lights the spark it lights the dark. Your heart

Dave

[Ros]

Thanks, lovely.

I've attempted a revision.

[ray miller]

Not the response you'd have wanted but I think it needs that opening verse, it provides a framework, now it seems like you're jumping in unannounced.I also think that the revised ending fails to set up the final line as well as the original did. Sorry.

[Lovely]

You Ross know worry. keep still for me. Love you you know.

The balance of you is good here.Please don't be fear me.......it never is me. Please Ross.

[bodkin]

Hi Ros,

I didn't get the original, but I think I may be getting the revision.

Seems to me you are considering how the events in a story are often presented as complete in themselves, isolated from any consequences which might follow after the story is over. I'm getting a particular emphasis on a children's story here, and in particular the way a minor character might appear for a scene or two and then disappear never to be seen again?

Presumably the story only "wants" to get the bird off on its migration? So you underline all the aspects that it is neglecting in that. Love your usual sinister turning to the bird getting shot in a civil war somewhere

Not quite sure what threat the buffers represent to the author? Unless this is a reference to the way the her (and she feels like a her) real-world story will also end someday?

Enjoyed.

Ian

[Raine]

I too think that you should retain the original first stanza. It's a gentler introduction and works well. 'The story's told in rhyme / that rattles like a train fixed in its track' is an excellent line and the echo back to it in the last stanza is very effective. A good poem, I enjoyed reading it.