To the Bitter End

[Raine]

.
He is hollow and threadbare;
his hair, now receding, is greying.

To external observation
he’s delaying the inevitable with vitamins,
protein shakes, bran flakes and a coupe.

Better off with soup eh? And slippers
and a little shed to whittle in.
Better giving in to it than fighting it.

He’d look a proper sight in it (ninja kit I mean).
Trade the cloth for dignity.
Embrace the changes
gracefully?

... Or Sod it. The alternative is
starting to sound good to me:
Spitting; wearing purple,
I shall be Ms. Joseph’s protégé.

He and I shall paint the town
in several shades of scarlet.
The very oldest swinger
and the limping, bloated harlot.

We'll run our sticks down railings
and disagree in tandem.
As a team; within a theme,
we should be doubly disagreeable.


.

[Lovely]

I just love this. The energy.

I will get back here. My time is delicate energy you

take care.I am writing for "radiohead" for there comeback...........

I always love these guys

L

[bodkin]

Hi Raine,

Just a quick note before bedtime...

I enjoyed this, but would it be better without the first strophe? The second seems a much stronger introduction...

Just a thought,

Ian

[ray miller]

Liked it very much."We'll run our sticks down railings and disagree in tandem" Brilliant.
I wondered if "Better giving in to it than battlin'" might be better?
Who's Ms Joseph?
Some great lines, though I thought it dipped at the verse beginning "He's look a proper sight..."

[David]

Very good, Raine.

This stanza -

You and I shall paint the town
in several shades of scarlet.
The very oldest swinger
and the limping, bloated harlot. -

really rocks.

Cheers

David

[bodkin]

Hi Raine,

I've come back for a proper look...

.
He is hollow and threadbare;
his hair, now receding, is greying. I think my problem here is the repetition of the two weak -ing endings in quick succession, could you consider something like:

his hair, long receding, now greys

?


To external observation Since we are right here doing the observing, I'd say this wasn't required...
he’s delaying the inevitable with vitamins,
protein shakes, bran flakes and a coupe. I do like the little mico-image painted here...

Better off with soup eh? And slippers
and a little shed to whittle in.
Better giving in to it than fighting it. -ing -ing again... maybe:

Better to give in to it than fight it.


He’d look a proper sight in it (ninja kit I mean).
Trade the cloth for dignity.
Embrace the changes
gracefully?

... Or Sod it. The alternative is We've suddenly jumped from "him" to "me"...

I think this is because the N and the S are partners? But this is not revealed before here and I think it needs to be for the POV switch to be fully understood...

But from here on I don't think I have any nits, it's thoroughly enjoyable...

starting to sound good to me:
Spitting; wearing purple,
I shall be Ms Joseph’s protégé

You and I shall paint the town
in several shades of scarlet.
The very oldest swinger
and the limping, bloated harlot.

We'll run our sticks down railings
and disagree in tandem.
As team; within a theme,
we should be doubly disagreeable.


.

HTH

Ian

[twoleftfeet]

I like the nod towards Taoism:
embrace the changes
gracefully

We'll run our sticks down railings
and disagree in tandem.
- is excellent, but
"as team" ?

"as a team", " or just "a team" surely?

[Raine]

.
To Lovely and David, thank you very much for the kind comments.

Bodkin, thank you for sharing your thoughts. The ‘ing’ sound and its repetition was a tactic employed to make the reader (you in this particular case) feel sad and somewhat sorry for the protagonist. ‘ing; ang; ong’ tones are often described as depressing sounds. Guess I haven’t made them work particularly well in this case. I’m very tempted to act upon your initial advice, which was to scrap the first two lines completely.
The line ‘To external observation’ is meant to imply that those around him can see his mid life crisis while 'he' (with an internal veiwpoint) remains entirely oblivious.
I like your suggestion: ‘better to give in to it than fight it’ - If I do decide to lose the first two lines I’ll follow your advice here also. No need to echo the ‘ing’ if the ‘ing’s’ missing. Lol
I can’t think of a way to smooth the POV change without adding clutter. I think the fact that they are partners become clear enough toward the end of the poem. Further elucidation seems unnecessary in my mind at least. I take your comments on board though and will allow them to simmer for a while on the back burner. Thanks again, valuable input !

Ray, thanks for taking time to comment it’s always appreciated. ‘Ms Joseph’ refers to Jenny Joseph, who’s poem Warning (one of my favourites) is touched upon several times throughout this piece.
As for the dip: Yes, I thought so too. I’m working on it.

Twoleftfeet, yes it should read: ‘As a team’ (typo) I shall edit forthwith. Thank you.

I've also noticed a mistake in the first line of the second from last stanza and will change ‘You’ to ‘He’.


.

[Pauline]

To grow old disgracefully sounds the best option to me Raine. So much more fun.
I really enjoyed this, particularly the last three verses.
Cheers.

[Raine]

Yes, I think I would plump for disgracefully too. The staid alternative sounds quite tedious; give me imropriety any day. lol

[dedalus]

Yo Raine,

This is so subversively cool! You had me hooked after

protein shakes, bran flakes and a coupe.
Better off with soup eh?

and it just got better.

Bren

[Ros]

This is great, though I agree with losing the first two lines. And I expected (in the last verse)

and disagree in tandem.
As a team; within a theme,
we should be doubly disagreeable.

tandem and disagreeable to rhyme?

Ros

[David]

Come back to this again, Raine. It is very good, still, but how would it look without SS 5 and 7?

Better, to my ear. You, no doubt, would disagree, and admittedly you'd lose that important "yet" in S5. Still ...

Cheers

David