un-organized

[Thomas]

Mundane traffic with dirty lenses gazing at me;

Casually looking to my right, The aura of the same un-
organised selection of toilet rolls stay sat on the market,
soaked wood which maybe, i think may of blown nice as
a tree once..

Who Knows ?

"Four for a pound" muffles through the rain and footsteps
of potential dis-organised market men..

Markets appear so Titanic today hit by the big store's ice-
burg effect, Sinking the aura of the market stalls magic.

Anyways it's friday why should i give a shit....

cheers Thomas.....

[Thomas]

Any critique on this one then feel free to disect.

[camus]

Tom,

Difficult to read I'd say.

The punctuation is odd - Caps after commas, then not. Unequal ellipses, dis-organised hyphenated?

"i think may of blown nice as" - should be have

Using "Nice" was a bit lazy.

The titanic metaphor was a bit grating.

The last line made good sense.

Sorry I couldn't be more positive.

cheers
Kris

[Thomas]

Cheers Kris....I quite liked the titanic metaphor though

back to the drawing board then respect for your honesty Kris...

Tom..

[dillingworth]

i like the titanic reference, nice pun on iceberg lettuce! should be "iceberg" not "burg" i think.

[camus]

Tom,

As an afterthought, and the fact that my comments were all negative: The poem has great potential, much vibrancy to tune into, I think the punctuation let it down though.

The titanic metaphor? MMMMMMMMmmm to me it didn't make sense, you use Titanic as an adjective, not as a Noun therefore the markets would "appear" to have "great force or power" which it seems to me should be the opposite?

Definitely one to work on.

[Thomas]

Theres no excuse for the punctuation i know that,my only excuse is that i'm crap at punctuation Thanks again Kris i don't mind negativity at lesast your honest...

Right im off to drown me sorrows Only kidding one to work on i suppose....

Cheers Tom..