Boat, don't float.
Wisp into the sea,
Whilst you grow out of concepts and seize immaturity.
Whisper, and irrigate your lungs.
And as it decays, breaks like a relationship,
Dial a prescription,
And lie your way through life.
The orgasmic apex is twenty years old.
I've missed the boat.
So boat, don't float.
I Remember Mummy Brushing My Hair
This is a sad little thing, elf. Don't take that as a criticism. It's supposed to be sad, isn't it?
It's feeling like an unseaworthy vessel or something similiar, is it? Good image. S2 seems a bit out of kilter with the rest.
Interesting first post.
Cheers
David
It's feeling like an unseaworthy vessel or something similiar, is it? Good image. S2 seems a bit out of kilter with the rest.
Interesting first post.
Cheers
David
Elf,
I like the way this ends up where it started and took that to be a metaphor for life. The third line seemed like holding on to the prime of life whilst having acquired wisdom.
The second verse seems to depict an underlying medical condition, it would work better if the indefinite article in line two had a little more connectivity by way of a target.
The closing lines are pretty self explanatory and as David has said the whole piece has a sadness about it. I think a little work on the second verse could improve your poem.
I enjoyed it
regards
Danté
I like the way this ends up where it started and took that to be a metaphor for life. The third line seemed like holding on to the prime of life whilst having acquired wisdom.
The second verse seems to depict an underlying medical condition, it would work better if the indefinite article in line two had a little more connectivity by way of a target.
The closing lines are pretty self explanatory and as David has said the whole piece has a sadness about it. I think a little work on the second verse could improve your poem.
I enjoyed it
regards
Danté
to anticipate touching what is unseen seems far more interesting than seeing what the hand can not touch
Elf, I was taken in by the unique title of your piece, and I wasn't disappointed. Loved the read. I feel Tim and David have provided some valuable inputs, though it reads fine as it is. Smiles.
Motive--- sustains the mental part and the body parts of the dust hermit,
You explain the most fundamental elements of a street life,
Sometimes the dust hermit is unable to adapt to the changing environment
and is left behind with his dreams, the use of mummy in the title shows an idle
intelligence of the dust humit.
(the orgasmic)------ is wrong-----
it should be---- an orgasmic-----it has to do with the vowel sounds
I liked it a lot, I was able to see into it,
You explain the most fundamental elements of a street life,
Sometimes the dust hermit is unable to adapt to the changing environment
and is left behind with his dreams, the use of mummy in the title shows an idle
intelligence of the dust humit.
(the orgasmic)------ is wrong-----
it should be---- an orgasmic-----it has to do with the vowel sounds
I liked it a lot, I was able to see into it,
