Aerie: in an empty field, across from pistachio trees,
dropped onto a creosote post, corseted by telephone wires.
Elemental squatters.
Red tails, they say, mate for life.
But this seems like the first nest they’ve built:
a pokey reed-basket. A pincushion: all passion and no skill.
Soon, the pole’s cap will be streaked white and yellow.
Hawks
Bombadil,
Great poem. Really beautiful imagery.
I'd love to see more about the passion and the hawks. It feels like they are an afterthought to the nest.
I think you could tighten up the form, too. The different images get lost in the loose lines.
L3 detracts from the great image you built in S1. "Squatter" conflicts with the image you build later of the nests built with passion. It seems too utilitarian.
It was beautiful, though. I really enjoyed reading it. The last line made the entire poem.
-Lorelei
Great poem. Really beautiful imagery.
I'd love to see more about the passion and the hawks. It feels like they are an afterthought to the nest.
I think you could tighten up the form, too. The different images get lost in the loose lines.
L3 detracts from the great image you built in S1. "Squatter" conflicts with the image you build later of the nests built with passion. It seems too utilitarian.
It was beautiful, though. I really enjoyed reading it. The last line made the entire poem.
-Lorelei
-
Sharra
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I really liked the imagery in this and especially liked the line ‘But this seems like the first nest they’ve built:
a pokey reed-basket. A pincushion: all passion and no skill.’
A couple of words stuck out slightly, I wasn’t sure whether you really needed ‘Aerie: ’. For me the colon make too much of a break and kind of told us what you were going to describe.
The other word was ‘Elemental’ – it felt at odds to the tone of the rest of the poem but I did like squatter). I’m wondering if you can kind of spin the 2 first lines around – something like ‘squatters in an empty field….etc’
Sharra
x
a pokey reed-basket. A pincushion: all passion and no skill.’
A couple of words stuck out slightly, I wasn’t sure whether you really needed ‘Aerie: ’. For me the colon make too much of a break and kind of told us what you were going to describe.
The other word was ‘Elemental’ – it felt at odds to the tone of the rest of the poem but I did like squatter). I’m wondering if you can kind of spin the 2 first lines around – something like ‘squatters in an empty field….etc’
Sharra
x
It is at the edge of the
petal that love waits
petal that love waits
Keith,
As others have said this is a set of wonderful images especially
description of aerie
they mate for life
it looks like an inexperienced nest
soon the pole will be streaked in bird shit
I am wondering what I should be drawing from all of that. Maybe its just me....
To address Sharras point why not make the title Aerie - from that we know its hawks anyway.
Just some thoughts
elph
As others have said this is a set of wonderful images especially
but Im struggling to get to the essence of the poem. It seems to compriseBombadil wrote:But this seems like the first nest they’ve built:
a pokey reed-basket. A pincushion: all passion and no skill.
description of aerie
they mate for life
it looks like an inexperienced nest
soon the pole will be streaked in bird shit
I am wondering what I should be drawing from all of that. Maybe its just me....
To address Sharras point why not make the title Aerie - from that we know its hawks anyway.
Just some thoughts
elph
-
brianedwards
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"Red tails, they say, mate for life."
This line seems to be the essence of the poem, but you need more spit on your twigs to get this to hang.
"A pincushion: all passion and no skill." --- I have to be the party pooper here and say I really disliked this line. The editorial throws me right out of the tree.
"Aerie" ---- I agree this needs to go. More than anything it smacks of pretension.
Mating for life in a temporary nest --- there's a very definite poem in this idea, but what you have drafted so far wouldn't hold an egg.
Apologies for getting carried away with the metaphor. . .
B.
~
This line seems to be the essence of the poem, but you need more spit on your twigs to get this to hang.
"A pincushion: all passion and no skill." --- I have to be the party pooper here and say I really disliked this line. The editorial throws me right out of the tree.
"Aerie" ---- I agree this needs to go. More than anything it smacks of pretension.
Mating for life in a temporary nest --- there's a very definite poem in this idea, but what you have drafted so far wouldn't hold an egg.
Apologies for getting carried away with the metaphor. . .
B.
~