Who Will Tell the Bees?

[Gene van Troyer]

This latest revision works much better with the further shortening of the epigram at the beginning and the change from "poison of your good-bye" to "poison of good-bye."

I was having some difficulty fitting this into a good context that connected for me, as bee culture in my part of the world (Portland, Oregon, and now Okinawa) is not at all strong. But then I connected with "ladybug, ladybug, fly away home..." and found a resonant congruence.

[emuse]

To bee or not to bee? Sore wa mondae da -- that is the question. I liked the connection -- no, I was enthralled -- by the connection to the Hellenistic world. It seems to me that very little is ever forgotten over the centuries. It was a contrived poem, in the best sense, and difficult to pull off. I think you did it well.

The procedure is that as soon as a member of the family has breathed his or her last a younger member of the household, often a child, is told to visit the hives. and rattling a chain of small keys taps on the hive and whispers three times: ... Little Brownies, little brownies, your mistress is dead.

Ded thanks I think it's bloody fascinating to learn about these ancient rituals. Seems most of them are great fodder for poetry. It was an odd type of inspiration from this creepy museum that tipped this one off. I never look a gift-poem in the mouth though. Take them where I can.

e

[emuse]

This latest revision works much better with the further shortening of the epigram at the beginning and thange from "poison of your good-bye" to "poison of good-bye."

I was having some difficulty fitting this into a good context that connected for me, as bee culture in my part of the world (Portland, Oregon, and now Okinawa) is not at all strong. But then I connected with "ladybug, ladybug, fly away home..." and found a resonant congruence.

Thanks much Gene, I was worried about the shortening of the epigraph. Gone back on forth and decided the poet was smart enough to get it without too much explanation. Okinawa...is that Oregon? Beautiful country. I hope to live in Oregon or Washington state one day. If you ever get a chance to go up to Seattle, let me know, I'll be there next month for a reading and also the Skagit River Poetry Festival.

e

[stuartryder]

Hmm, it still just misses the mark, E, for all your fierce attention to it. (Don't try to tell me it's fictional either.)

By that I mean the images jar with each other, they don't quite fit together, and much of it feels like a word-painting of electron microscope images, which I find a little too clinical for the subject-matter. (Particularly as the opening quotation sets it up as a mythological secret-garden piece.)

It's original though, I'll give you that. I've never read anything like it. What influence Sylvia Plath on this?

S

[emuse]

Hey Stu!

I appreciate your candid view. I'm sorry it missed the mark for you. I won't and cannot try to please everyone.

http://wildpoetryforum.com/~wildpoet/di ... 1209074830

Why would I say it's fictional? I detect a not of derision in your question Stu? Am I missing something. I respect and honor all opinions that help me to improve my work.

As I mentioned, this is about my mother's death. A difficult subject indeed but I feel the piece is done now.

When I was trying to see whether my repeated verse at the end was over the top, I looked at Plath and noted many repeated lines. I love her work. This did not come from Plath but definitely had that kind of edgy thing.

I think I mention in the thread that it came from a workshop where I saw a display and then also tried to get my focus on the subject in a challenge. With a bit of hard work and help from Elph, and my other boards. It seems to have geled.

Thanks for coming back and expressing your thoughts.

Cheers,

e