Islets

[arunansu]

she observes
a pair of albatrosses
dance in seclusion

they preen, clack their bills
and call the sky

in her eyes
a dewy morn

she walks leisurely
along a line of coconut trees
for a while
and returns to her cay

[jms]

Hi,

What you've got here is some beautiful imagery, as always, and perfectly imagined. I feel, though, that this needs something extra, some kind of twist at the end, in the same way you might add a juxtaposing image to a haiku? Just a thought.

Cheers,

Jon

[arunansu]

Thank you Jon for your time. Unlike haiku, where you tell with contrasting images (sometimes) I do not think there is any necessary to use "juxtaposing" images here. I have covered all that I wanted to say. The N lives in her thoughts, and visualizes her desires. I feel I should end here. Of course, there always remain a room for improvement. Smiles.

Thanks for the feedback.

[Alucinary]

I really liked this, on my first reading i felt the last stanza was unnecessay, however that prooved to be merely due to my lacking vocabulary as i did not know the meaning of a cay... having looked up the deffinition the stanza seems perfect in description and closes a beutiful scene

i do pause to think at the line

for a while

- im not sure what but this one line seems to be missing something important

[R Cox]

Hi there.

I've been reading your work for the last month or so that I've been here. I've always enjoyed it and found your use of traditional forms really engaging. This one here though I felt reached out to me as a reader with a stronger, personal, beckoning finger than anything else I've read so far. Maybe that is the pronoun in the opening, and either because of this (or even despite this) I really felt that I was taking the journey with. Your poems (at least those I have had the pleasure to read) are always evocative and bigger than what they literally say. You capture a moment very well. In this piece, you take the reader further into that moment, and for me, that works.

As an aside, there is something about "for a while" that doesn't sit well in the whole. The sentiment is there, it's perhaps the words themselves that sit out of place.

Definitely a fan.

xxx

[arunansu]

Thanks Alucinary & R Cox for those words of encouragement. Regarding "for a while", it is okay with me. But of course, as I have mentioned earlier, there is a scope for improvement. Actually I wanted to keep it simple, and "for a while" also gives you a feeling that the N is "wandering", she is just toying with her thoughts now and then. Needs more effort from me, perhaps. Smiles.

[Lovely]

Personally I liked. But felt the use of some words were trying to be to clever for the reader.

Try and keep it a bit more simple at times perhaps, and let your feelings flow out naturally like an albatross in glide mode.

L