Hi all - would appretiate some feedback on what you think of this poem - thanks.
In The Wasteland Of Your Soul
“In the wasteland of your soul you will find your salvation”
Said the ancient ones in a dream.
Take the years and let them unfold your pain,
Catch the river in full flood – the time is now,
And ride..
Down, down, down, into the cave of desperation.
Tasting the infinity of despair
As time stands still
In this wasteland.
The sound of not knowing is in my ears.
My body is heavily embraced with the touch of fears.
My limbs bound, cry out into the void.
An echo returns.
Did you think it would be easy?
Did you think it would be fun?
Were you looking for excitement
When you chased into the sun?
Take my soul and hang it on a wire,
Spin me round then throw me down
And smash me on the ground…
The dust is settling down,
The sun is rising,
The air is fresh again.
In The Wasteland Of Your Soul
welcome!
Excellent first few stanzas and overall good poem.
However, I would look again at the last stanza I don't think it gives this poem the ending it deserves (personally). But a great first poem well done! A very modernist poem
Excellent first few stanzas and overall good poem.
However, I would look again at the last stanza I don't think it gives this poem the ending it deserves (personally). But a great first poem well done! A very modernist poem
"Poetry makes nothing happen. It survives in the valley of its saying." W.H. Auden
Hi Jsabian,
A wonderful read. For me, the ending works. I feel you might consider whether you want to change the rhyme of "ear" with "fear". It sounds a bit forced. But that's just me. Be pleased with the write.
Looking forward for more.
Smiles.
A wonderful read. For me, the ending works. I feel you might consider whether you want to change the rhyme of "ear" with "fear". It sounds a bit forced. But that's just me. Be pleased with the write.
Looking forward for more.
Smiles.
hello jasabian,
S5L4 seems to be slightly at odds here for me "when you chased into the sun?" would you consider other options:
the verb 'chased' doesn't sit right in regards to our Sun:-
ran into the sun,
or, were running into the sun,
or even-- blinded by the sun
Overall it's a nice poem and i'm only suggesting alternatives...
By the way, I liked the title in relation to---- wasting our lives away.
Quite deep actually.......
l
S5L4 seems to be slightly at odds here for me "when you chased into the sun?" would you consider other options:
the verb 'chased' doesn't sit right in regards to our Sun:-
ran into the sun,
or, were running into the sun,
or even-- blinded by the sun
Overall it's a nice poem and i'm only suggesting alternatives...
By the way, I liked the title in relation to---- wasting our lives away.
Quite deep actually.......
l