A Not Very Serious Poem.

[Petronius]

My lady, who had a gentle beauty,
like the whispered scent of trees,
watched many a genuflection
of rich and pin-striped knees.

Balmain, Dior and Cartier
were all of them shamelessly dangled,
but she would just smile and leave them
where they so hopelessly angled.

For she loved a poet with a wild young heart
who tugged wild music from its strings,
who laughed with confident laughter
at these importunate, ageing things.

Now I am wealthy and my lady has gone.
I have nothing that is mine
so,shrugging off the indignity
I must hopefully stand in line.

[dillingworth]

I liked the idea of this, and especially enjoyed the rhythm in the first half. However I think it gets a bit slacker in the second half in terms of metre. A few suggestions:

- Consider getting rid of the "who" in the first line to improve the flow: the third line may need tweaking so it runs bettter too. Suggest "My lady had a gentle beauty/Like the whispered scent of trees [nice image];/She watched the genuflection/Of countless pin-striped knees"

- Last line of the second stanza needs work I think. The "angled" is for me too obviously a rhyme word and doesn't make much sense in the context.

- You have "wild" twice in the third stanza- may be intentional but didn't work for me.

- The final two lines seemed to trail off to me - I think you could finish with a stronger image than queuing up to (I assume) offer your jewelery to the next lady.

A simple theme with some good images but could do with tightening up to keep the effect consistent throughout.

[Petronius]

Thank you for your suggestions about prosody. You seem to prefer a more regular rhythm than I do. However I will give it some thought. I cannot understand your difficuly with " angled ". Have you not read " The Compleat Angler " ? I thought it rather apt. They angle to catch the Lady and the bait is the jewels etc

[Ros]

I'm just trying to teach myself Old English, Petronius - it's fascinating but I'm not sure how much of the grammar is sinking in!

I rather liked the angled. The only line I felt was a bit forced was

were all of them shamelessly dangled,

Are we to assume the narrator is the poet? I would like do so. If so,

I have nothing that is mine

seems a bit out of place - the poet should at least have some poetry, worth more than jewels, surely?

Enjoyed this.

Ros

[brianedwards]

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[Marc]

Whoa, a little savage and not I feel a constructive comment!

I don't like the metre/rhythm but I am aware we all hear poetry in our own voices and this can mislead.

Not sure about 'Shamelessly dangled' and 'angled'. Neither am I sure how the Compleat Angler helps justify this.
Like the pin stripe/genuflection thing. First verse is best (or least troublesome anyway).

Marc

[brianedwards]

*****************************************

[Marc]

Got out of bed the wrong side today (what is the time now in Japan, quite late I suppose?)? My sensibilities are not fragile, don't worry..

Sadly ,in truth, I probably feel much as you about the quality of the above lines, but was trying to be more helpful.

I don't know exactly what you were hoping to get from commenting/posting on this forum but you seemed pretty happy when you commented on the 'Communication Breakdown' poem.

Beer and a folky? What's a folky?

Cheer up , maybe go for a beer and folky yourself...

Marc

[David]

It's not very serious, but its gentle and wistful and, I believe, doesn't deserve that drive-by dismissal, Brian. That's unworthy of you, I think.

Let's concentrate on our own responses to the poem, and not each other's. (That goes for you too, Marc.)

Pax.

David

[Arian]

Nice idea behind it, and I liked S1, but for me, I'm afraid, the rest of it didn't work very well. Personally, I found the metre rather awkward and unrhythmic, and the language a little forced. Sorry to sound negative.

All the best
peter

[brianedwards]

Previous posts removed and apologies offered to all. Marc, welcome, I assure you I am not always so pissy.

Sorry petronius, but I find this quite weak. The title really doesn't do it any favours either.

I'll look out for your other work and hopefully have something more to constructive to offer there.

Best wishes all.

B.

~

[OwenEdwards]

Is this the place for me to suggest that poetry, and the way we respond to it and to all literature, is a group activity - both in reality and in desirable theory?

No? Okay. I'll be off then.

P.S. I found it a bit like Inky Plinky Plonky. I enjoyed reading it but got nothing lasting out of it. Pleasant but not great shakes.

[Petronius]

Oh dear. What sturm und drang about my little poem. Its origin was long ago when I was in an Indian Hospital recovering from malaria when received the news that my girl friend had deserted me and my squadron had moved. I came across it some time ago, had a good laugh and thought I might re-write it. We didn't know anything about post traumatic stress in those days but after I had survived I found it difficult to treat anything too seriously. I am not asking for sympathty. I have led a happy live, cushioned from finacial problems, work et al. and I became the world's greatest dilletante. So with poetry. I was acclaimed as " a promising youg poet"by quite a few but it never materialized. I have written some quite clever poems vide beginner's posts but not much else. I think Marc is right. I don't belong in this forum.

Ros.Do carry on with OE. Some of it is fascinating. I have been trying to write a translation of The Wanderer for years How terribly sad is: Wyrd bið ful aræd. Beowulf I think.

I am still working at my magnum opus. Watch this space. " Letters from the Greek Islands. "Thank you all for your comments. I'm sure you all have had enough of a garrulous old man.
P.S. Forgive the typing errors. I am looking for a keyboard without spaces between the letters.

[Ros]

Petronius, I think marc meant one of the comments you received wasn't appropriate on this forum, and he was correct, but that's now been dealt with. Please do post more poems!

Regarding OE, I'm rather taken with Maxims II at the moment. Love the way the dragon is slipped in amongst the comments on the seasons and so on.

Ros

[Marc]

I certainly didn't say Petronius didn't belong on the forum -I was commenting on Brianedwards rude dismissal of the work...

I've only just joined - i'm hardly in a position to suggest others leave!

Marc

[OwenEdwards]

I think you should all leave. I'd be far happier posting poems, commenting on them and awarding myself prizes and not having you naughty types butting in with your cleverness.



Petronius, you'll find we're a loud lot but friendly when you get to know us - stick around!

[Travis]

Petronius,

While the mix up has already been cleared up, allow me to point out that we all get a little cranky from time to time. So take it with a grain of salt and don't let anyone hurt your feelings. We're all friends here.

Welcome to the forum.

[Petronius]

I am not disturbed by criticism. I am mine own executioner. I think the problem with the poem was that the last two stanzas were written much later than the first two and the union was not blessed. They are quite different rhythmically. I am afraid I am sometimes a little slapdash. Thankyou for the encouragment. As I often had on my school reports " Could do better" P.

[David]

We could do all better.

I'm sorry you removed the little additional poem you posted here, briefly, yesterday. It was quite Marvellous.

Cheers

David

[Petronius]

Thanks David. I am glad that you think there is a place for unserious poetry/verse. I will post it and see if others feel the same.