On a journey

[dillingworth]

We’ve drained the last of our gin, for now,
shared for the last time
the clinking intimacy of the chattering glasses.

We’ve taken a stroll around Hangover Square
and sketched the strange topography
of interleaving friendships there.

Travel well, like a good wine
sleeping Christ-like in its bed of hay;
return whenever you will,
we’ll drink in remembrance of you.

[brianedwards]

I think you could lose "the chattering" from S1.

the clinking intimacy of glasses.

Now that really resonates with me.

I wasn't entirely comfortable with Hangover Square (too cute?) or the appearance of Christ (too pretentious?), but overall a well written tribute.

B.

~

[Marc]

I like chattering glasses and hangover square. Yeah, they're cute, but always paring away theclever rhymes ans wordplay leaves less not more.

Marc

[brianedwards]

I like chattering glasses and hangover square. Yeah, they're cute, but always paring away theclever rhymes ans wordplay leaves less not more.

Marc

Obviously I disagree. Clever rhymes and wordplay are just that, and not poetry.

B.

~

[David]

I quite like "the chattering glasses".

Hangover Square, though - I don't understand the relevance of that. Nor do I understand why the "good wine" is "sleeping Christ-like in its bed of hay".

To sum up, therefore, it seems that I don't know what you're doing but I like the way you're doing it.

Cheers

David

[Tamara Beryl Latham]

We’ve drained the last of our gin, for now,
shared for the last time
the clinking intimacy of the chattering glasses.

***Although I like "chattering glasses," I think Brian is correct.

Brian has suggested,"the clinking intimacy of the glasses." These lines flow beautifully, and the image
lives in the reader's mind. I think "chattering" detracts from this poem.

Yet, more importantly, although the literal image and metaphor work with "clinking,"
the literal image does not work with "chattering," since glasses can't talk, or utter sounds (operative word: utter).

Now, if the glasses were monkeys instead, that literal image would work, since monkeys utter sounds.
This is just my opinion, but it is your call.

We’ve taken a stroll around Hangover Square
and sketched the strange topography
of interleaving friendships there.

Travel well, like a good wine
sleeping Christ-like in its bed of hay;
return whenever you will,
we’ll drink in remembrance of you.

***Hangover Square works for me, and I can picture "sleeping Christ-like in its bed of hay," which is an unusual way of saying
cuddly.

A nicely done poem, and your call on whether or not you decide to eliminate "chattering." It is difficult to give up words that we've grown fond of.

Keep writing. I enjoy your poetry.

Best,

Tamara

[Marc]

Yeah, I could go with:

"We've drained the last of our gin, for now,
shared for the last time
the clinking intimacy of chattering monkeys"

Well done Tamara, superbly surreal!
Marc

[dillingworth]

Thanks, Tamara, for your thoughts on "chattering". I was going for a pun on "the chattering classes" and trying to suggest (obliquely) that glasses and drinking go hand in hand with friends chattering. I'm not trying to say that glasses do themselves chatter though I appreciate that the image doesn't quite sit right at the moment.

I'll put this one away for a bit and revisit later - that often helps!