The Desert

[zootsuitmod]

The Desert

The spiky green pines bring to mind
A jade oasis clear and cool,
Within this arid desert land
I visualise a limpid pool.

As strong scotch bows so ramrod straight
Stand proud above the sand brown tiles,
Of household roofs like drifting dunes
That fill the eye and sky for miles.

The splash of water can be heard
Above the roar of car and bus,
That breaths the life into that pool
Where I will sit and think of us.

Black jet powered vultures wheel above
In skies as cobalt as your eyes,
And as the life pool drains away
Patiently wait for my demise.

The flask of love has now run dry
Leaving me with rampant thirst,
Beneath the sad sands of regret
My guilt bleached bones will be submersed

[arunansu]

Zoot,

You're so right. We all live in deserts, aren't we? I love your use of metaphor and the descriptions / imagery in S1 and S2. Super.

As strong scotch bows so ramrod straight
Stand proud above the sand brown tiles,
Of household roofs like drifting dunes
That fill the eye and sky for miles.
-Unique.

Only, the last line sounds too long. No other nits from me. Excellently written.

[Suzanne]

zoot,

this is so very close.

I would change these three lines to read as such...:

Stand proud above brown sand-made tiles,

As jet black powered vultures wheel

and leave me with a rampant thirst,



I think that it idea is good, the visuals are nice but the meter is still a bit off.
Well done and worth the effort to polish it up.

Suzanne

[zootsuitmod]

Thanks
Duly noted, changed, and yes it does read much better.

[anniecat]

Loved it...........thanks and edits good AC