Ease

[Suzanne]

Eased

[arunansu]

I like the use of metaphor, the images in S1 and S2. S3 reads weaker as compared to the other strophes, but that might be me only. I was wondering whether there could be any other way of expressing yourself other than saying "Catch your breath/ ...as you watch my cotton soft paws..."?

Otherwise, a well crafted piece. Enjoyed.

[ray miller]

Liked the start,lovely opening verse,"batteries removed, ungrooved" that's an unusual image and a strong one.
Have to confess I'm not a great fan of "Come....do this" and "Come....do that". But that's just me.
I wondered about simply "trace old aches to their roots"?
I didn't like "cotton soft paws" paws!?
I think you might get away with "spiral buff bruised memories" but not when it's followed immediately by"white-fluff muffle ancient echoes". It's just too much!

[Marc]

I really liked this and thought the cotton woolliness fluffy bit had a dreamy vagueness that worked. 'Ancient echoes' though is poss a bit overused imho.
I also quite liked the paws - kind of feline I thought. Gave me paws for thought anyway, boom boom...

Hope your muse had a nice valentine's day (and you didn't scratch him too badly with those paws!),


Marc

[Arian]

I like this a lot, Suzanne. S1 has outstanding imagery and rhythm, to my mind, and there’s some very strong lines. I especially like “...bolt's steel slide” – the sibilant emphasis of the phrase has an onomatopoeic effect, like the sound of steel against steel. More of this sort of thing, please.

Wasn’t too sure what the ricochet line could mean, but it sounds good.

Don't know who your muse is, but she (traditionally - in these enlightened times, it may be a he) is doing a damned good job!

Cheers
peter

[Lovely]

You know you are good. What can I say Su?
I will speak to you soon.

[Lovely]

This is tight and beautuiful Su.

Let it know you can write like this is now.........alright...


Dave

[Suzanne]

Aru,
hanks for your encouragement to improve, I will think about the line you mentioned. It was quite direct.

Ray,
I know you don't like the "Come..." lines. Hard to beat, "come here" when you are extending an invitation.

Marc,
thanks, I am glad you liked it. The "cotton soft paws" just seemed like a fun idea to me. I do understand how it could be seem as part of a medical/nursing image, but, well, I liked it as well as the feline image. I love cotton.

Peter,
Thanks for the feedback. I wish I could just come up with good sounding lines like the bolt's steel slide, wish I could I wish I could. Never being a stickler for tradition, I choose a male Muse. And appreciate the good job he does.

Lovely Dave,
You have got to stop calling me Su, it rubs me the wrong way. I am just not a "Su". But other than that, thank you for the kind words. I am glad you liked it.


Warmly,
Suzanne

[ray miller]

Su, my missus justs snaps her fingers.

[Suzanne]

Ray,

poke poke poke poke poke poke poke poke...

stop it.

lol

[Crustyman]

Ease


Batteries removed,
ungrooved from iron claws
that bind time,
render the clock powerless. Since you begin your second stanza in the imperative mode, you might strengthen the poem by starting the whole poem that way eg

Render the clock powerless.
Remove the batteries from those iron claws
that bind time.
Let gravity settle the day's dust
leaving no sand suspended to trickle
through tight-fisted schedules.

Gravity settles the day's dust,
leaving no sand suspended to trickle
through tight-fisted schedules.

Come, follow through my door,
let the bolt's steel slide
without resistance.
Follow, to where
white sheets whisper invitations
and earthy green fragrances mingle
with rain scented breezes
that creep under a hem of lace.

Come.

By candlelight, we'll untangle
your knotted mind,
overturn old aches to reveal their roots
and remove them with our tongues.
Catch your breath
as you watch my cotton soft paws
gently soothe each sensitive wound,
spiral buff bruised memories,
white-fluff muffle ancient echoes
and stop the ricochet of your tender heart.

Come, let gravity lay you down.

I'll leave you to see what can be done to compres and tighten the rest.
One or two niggles, (being me):

When the bolt slides, is the door (your door ? my door? lover's door ?) being opened or shut ? I suspect shut; but it isn't clear.

"spiral" detracts from "buff": suggest you delete it.

You seem to rely rather more on visual images than you need. For myself, I would prefer to feel your soft cotton paws rather than watch them (old softie that I am)

Good fortune smile on youj

[Suzanne]

Thank you old softie, Crustyman. I will consider your new ideas.

Warmly,
Suzanne

[Lake]

Hi Suzanne ,

I think this is pretty exquisite. I kind of like that "come" imperative, but not sure the dangling one in the middle.

Best,

Lake

[Lovely]

Ihave just read her again sorry for the terse comments above. I was so pressed for time.

Suzanne she is beautiful, please keep her close. It really is special.

Dave