The Ice Gaps
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Revision
I'm hipper than my daughter who oughta
know better, but I caught her, pimping a ride
R and B'd out of her mind, listless, horizontal
on a vertical decline...
Shine I cried shine - blind she cried blind.
Each to the other - resigned - other to the each
we happened to reach for a simultaneous smile;
Generation gaps are shrinking like the ice caps...
Original
Generation gaps are shrinking like the ice caps.
I'm hipper than my daughter who oughta
know better, but I caught her, pimping a ride
R and B'd out of her mind, listless, horizontal
on a vertical decline...
Shine I cried shine - blind she cried blind.
Each to the other - resigned - other to the each
we happened to reach for a simultaneous smile;
stretched it wide, formulated a traction -
creating ice-shaped reactions...
I'm hipper than my daughter who oughta
know better, but I caught her, pimping a ride
R and B'd out of her mind, listless, horizontal
on a vertical decline...
Shine I cried shine - blind she cried blind.
Each to the other - resigned - other to the each
we happened to reach for a simultaneous smile;
Generation gaps are shrinking like the ice caps...
Original
Generation gaps are shrinking like the ice caps.
I'm hipper than my daughter who oughta
know better, but I caught her, pimping a ride
R and B'd out of her mind, listless, horizontal
on a vertical decline...
Shine I cried shine - blind she cried blind.
Each to the other - resigned - other to the each
we happened to reach for a simultaneous smile;
stretched it wide, formulated a traction -
creating ice-shaped reactions...
Last edited by contains deet on Wed Aug 04, 2010 4:34 pm, edited 2 times in total.
"You have no idea what obstinate hair mine is, Copperfield. I am quite a fretful porcupine"
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What a lovely poem!I'm wondering now if it shouldn't be "simultaneous simile" - that's what I keep seeing anyhow. Last two lines I can take or leave but the rest is terrific.
R and B'd out of her mind is very nice. You might use hipper rather than trendier and "outta" is a new one on me - not "oughta"?
What's deet? Or who's deet?
R and B'd out of her mind is very nice. You might use hipper rather than trendier and "outta" is a new one on me - not "oughta"?
What's deet? Or who's deet?
I'm out of faith and in my cups
I contemplate such bitter stuff.
I contemplate such bitter stuff.
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Hey thanks Ray.
Good suggestions.
I agree, I failed on "outta" - trying the newspeak, perhaps I'm not "hipper" after all!
"Deet" is what is contained in anti-bug spray.
CD
Good suggestions.
I agree, I failed on "outta" - trying the newspeak, perhaps I'm not "hipper" after all!
"Deet" is what is contained in anti-bug spray.
CD
"You have no idea what obstinate hair mine is, Copperfield. I am quite a fretful porcupine"
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Hey, contains deet.
Nice one... this is a good read. Deserves to be read aloud, perhaps with a hint of rap
Only line that stuck a little for me was:
Feels kinda 'Naked Lunch' (film not book).
Reading this one again a few times, just for the enjoyment.
^_^
- Neil.
Nice one... this is a good read. Deserves to be read aloud, perhaps with a hint of rap
Ha - that's nice.Each to the other - resigned - other to the each
Only line that stuck a little for me was:
.formulated a traction
"Deet" is what is contained in anti-bug spray
Feels kinda 'Naked Lunch' (film not book).
Reading this one again a few times, just for the enjoyment.
^_^
- Neil.
War does not determine who is right - only who is left. (Bertrand Russell)
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Very cool, very Beat. Even cooler if you removed the verb to be?
Nice to meet your pen, look forward to hearing more.
B.
Nice to meet your pen, look forward to hearing more.
B.
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Hey, thanks for the great feedback, really chuffed.
Elph,
B.
Nice one, thanks.
CD
Elph,
That's given me an idea actually. I think that may be too cumbersome for the title? But I'll use it as the last line, as I'm not over keen on that anyway.An idea for you, I thought the beat really got going on l2. What do you think to making line 1 your title?
B.
Not quite sure what you mean? But i'd be interested to know.Even cooler if you removed the verb to be?
Nice one, thanks.
CD
"You have no idea what obstinate hair mine is, Copperfield. I am quite a fretful porcupine"
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L1 are
L2 I'm
nix both?
The revision loses more than it gains.
B.
L2 I'm
nix both?
The revision loses more than it gains.
B.
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Ahhhhk, perhaps so, looking at it.The revision loses more than it gains.
I'm not happy with the last two lines, I'll come back to this one.
thanks
CD
"You have no idea what obstinate hair mine is, Copperfield. I am quite a fretful porcupine"
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I'm with Brian on the revision thing - the original's definitely better, in my view. I do think the last line's a bit forced, though - a gnomic (to say the least) image for the sake of the rhyme.
But I'll add my thumbs-up to the piece in general - imaginative, assertive rhythm, well-paced, nicely ironic tone. Yes, a pen to watch, for sure.
cheers
peter
But I'll add my thumbs-up to the piece in general - imaginative, assertive rhythm, well-paced, nicely ironic tone. Yes, a pen to watch, for sure.
cheers
peter
Hi CD, good to meet you.
Not much more to add to what the others have said but I just thought that I would stop by to give you a general thumbs up! Great rythm to this one and, as Nar said, it's just begging to be read aloud.
Oh.... and I prefer the original too!
Not much more to add to what the others have said but I just thought that I would stop by to give you a general thumbs up! Great rythm to this one and, as Nar said, it's just begging to be read aloud.
Oh.... and I prefer the original too!
Sorry for being late to join the party. Terrific write. Great rhythm, and ... riveting imagery! Like the concept of "shrinking ice caps". Smiles.
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I'm down with the kids and enjoyed this v.much.
I can only assuem this is about the joys of parenting? Really enjoyed and a belated welcome to the board.
I can only assuem this is about the joys of parenting? Really enjoyed and a belated welcome to the board.
After one look at this planet any visitor from outer space would say 'I want to see the manager.