Corduroy Boy

[windowfrost]

The diamonds are gone & the light is now blue,
and the curtains are closed now & blocking my view
of the painkiller nights, old blue harvest moon.
Those old tom cat missions & the filling of shoes.
Understand, command & blake(the grain of sand)
The remanence of visions once held in the hand
of the ragga-boned corduroy boy,
the scarecrow girl lying on wet morning grass.
Broken back, fractured arms, two legs shared a cast,
stale-bread passions & the ramblings of Christ.
That story I once wrote about a lunatic
franticly stitching the wings of an albatross to his back
in the tallest tower. Writhing & screaming in pain,
his tears flooding the town beneath.
Drowning the figure heads & spoon-feds, chicken legs.
All the while planning & dreaming of the day
he would be king.
To this day I have no idea if he made it.
That old gypsy-ragged dreamer died a long way back,
somewhere down the road...
Spitting & gargling out rambles; princes, toads...
But now it's all come full circle,
as they tend to do.
I'm always sleeping or writing or dreaming or drinking
it will never change.
I hope it never will.
happiness in sadness
a simple joyous depression.
Keeps me on my toes.
FIN.
(my hands are blank with ink)



I have been writing for a while, but being new to the forum I thought it best to post in the 'beginners' section.
All feedback welcome.
more can be seen here.
typewriteramblings.wordpress.com
Thanks
RM

[Ros]

You have some good images here, RM, but it seems somewhat inconsistent - you start off rhyming and then it fades out by 'boy'. And the ending seems to lose the description and become just about the narrator - and you leave the images and end in abstractions -

happiness in sadness
a simple joyous depression.

which really don't tell us anything solid about you. I'd suggest sticking with the first half (probably without the rhyming, as rhyme can force the choice of words, which isn't what you need here) and concentrate on telling the story of the girl and boy in more detail - give us the full narrative.

Welcome to PG, by the way - have a read of the guidelines and come and introduce yourself in the hello section, perhaps.

Ros

[lo-lee-ta]

I like this poem, I think it's really well done
I also, for some reason, like how it begins in rhyme and fades out!

Well done x

[windowfrost]

Thanks for the feedback.
I can see what you mean when I look at it.
I never really think about the forms and rhyming schemes and what have you..
I pound them out on an old typewriter as one conscious thought & don't stop typing until I get a feeling it is finished.
May sound a bit careless, I know.
There is something I like about it being unedited, and the time I use not redrafting them is used writing more and more.
Because of this way I work and my general scatter brain ways I try not to call it poetry, I don't have the gall.
I just call it 'rambles' for lack of a better word.
I really love poetry of all kinds, from Keats to kerouac,
this is just me and ''all I can be is what I am''
I hope you don't think me mad or disrespectful even for posting 'rambles' on a poetry forum.
I am really in awe of some of the beautifully worded pieces on here, fantastic.
Thanks again.
RM

[Ros]

That's fine, RM, but if you want to get the best from this place and want to learn to produce better stuff, have a think about your feedback and try some revisions. It's worth the effort - you obviously have some feel for narrative and imagery. You just need to tame it a bit.

Ros