Journey Through Forever

[lo-lee-ta]

Journey Through Forever (A Thousand Tomorrow's)


Smokey burnt sheets that hold a thousand tomorrows all in a row
70% (cocoa) bittersweet autumns with you.
Tumble and weep. Dry your shoes and think.

Instead, we alight on a daydream
settle in place to breathe in. Them?
Be careful this one's a surprise,
I know i've been here once before
I've already spotted those. Lies

Whisper, and laugh in the light
Small flute. White
The only place where you're endless
and a thousand tomorrows all in a row

Sailboat old and new, and the river smells like yesterday.
Every time we came here you fell asleep
I liked that. Borrowing another world. Dream
And our journey, this journey. Each little spellbound one.

Book

[windowfrost]

There is something I like about your writing, can't quite put my finger on it, you have some really good ideas...
do you have a blog or a website where I could read more?
RM

[lo-lee-ta]

Aww thank you! Thats really sweet! I do have a blog but theres only one thing on it which is the first poem I put on here haha. This is the 2nd poem i've ever written so I don't really have enough stuff to warrant a proper blog! If i add more to it I'll let you know Thank you for the interest though, you put a big smile on my face! xx

[Nino]

Hello lolita
What I like here is your voice, it stays true till the end. But this piece needs lots of work.
Shall I start? Here goes:
Title does not justify the content of the poem.

Why sheets are burnt? How can it hold tomorrow? How can something hold tomorrow?
second line does not sound correct. I like 70% cocoa, it evokes an image of bittersweet, that is why you don't need to tell it, you have already shown me.
The way your punctuation goes I don't get what tumbles and sweeps, the same goes with shoes. It feels as you used them to fill in the lines to rhyme. What purpose do they serve? What do they represent?

Second stanza: instead of what? Who are them? How can I guess?
Now I get you are talking about lies, but it is hard to make out who is lying.

I like small flute. White, but it does not make sense, firstly you jump from image to image too abruptly. Secondly I can't make out what is white flute or place. Because there is a period after flute, white does not belong to it, but then the sentence: white the only place... does not sound grammatically correct.

Sailboat is old and is new? Does not make sense. Why oh why did you use river smells like yesterday? I was getting my hopes up that you were using smell to evoke an image. Yesterday is an abstraction we can't see it, touch it, taste it, hear it and smell it.

If you lN is talking in present no need to mix with past, you can as easily say every time we come here. Borrowing another world is a cliché in my book. Last sentence is not bad, but you have to prepare me for it before, throughout the poem so I will see how magical this place is. In the end I have no idea who N is talking about, I guess it's her lover. What I like is melancholy it stays throughout the poem.
Thank you for sharing.
Nino

[lo-lee-ta]

Hey Nino, thanks for your comments.

Yes I agree there are lots of areas that make absolutely no sense and hurriedly jump from past to present, subject to subject, place to place. This skipping from one thing to another was supposed to illustrate the possibilities within literature, namely books. In which, we are not contained to one place, one person, one time etc. The poem is supposed to express the endless imagination and possibilities within books. Written worlds that you can pick up, become a part of and jump to another.

The 'sheets' are supposed to represent pages. They can hold tomorrow because of the inability to restrict time within literature. You're right, there is no need for me to add 'bittersweet' after I have said 70% cocoa! I also agree that 'smells like yesterday' is a bit silly hehe The borrowing another world was supposed to represent both the nature of dreaming and becoming part of a world evoked in a book.

I should have put a fullstop after White, the sentence beginning 'the only place' is the next sentence.
The sailboat can be both new and old because it is within a story, I may have visited this story before and so to me the boat is old, however somebody else enters the world and finds this boat for the first time, thus the boat is new to them.

To be honest, I wrote it with no pre-determined image in mind. Lots of it is mumbly jumbly, words mixed that make little sense but it just comes out of my head like that haha.

Thanks once I again, I really appreciate your comments! xx

[ray miller]

It has a certain charm about it this, the kind where it matters less what it means. There's some lovely little phrases: Dry your shoes and think. The whole of the 2nd verse and much of the last. I liked "the river smells like yesterday." I think, actually, the thousand tomorrows stuff is not doing much and it lacks too much of a connecting thread for my taste.

[lo-lee-ta]

Hi Ray,

Thanks for taking the time to read my poem I see what you mean about the lack of a connecting thread within 'thousand tomorrows'. I'll have a little re-jig and try to improve it. Thanks again! x