Protection

[moniquejade]

She stands at the bottom
Looking upwards at the towering steepness
Defiantly she begins, padded and shielded
The soft white protection surrounding her
Full of vitality she feels ready
because there is someone else with her too.
the journey seemed naive at first
but time urged on and
The atmosphere suddenly turning as
the wind became iced
and piece by piece the protection blew away
flying off to the side
as millions of tiny white birds
migrating in to the distance forever
The wind faster now
swiftly blowing bleak and raw
bitting at her face
She attempts to grad hold of the pieces
as they blow off her skin
but as she opens her hands there is only air
Naked and glacial she stands
unmoving and now alone
gripping on to the edge
slowly she chooses to decend
yielding to the elements
she is relieved
as she moves closer to normality
believing she has made the right resolution
there was no waste of time and burden
unfulfilling the summit
becaue she has learnt
with what to wrap herself
in preparation for the next lesson
because she is stronger now...

copyright (c) monique anderson Sep 05


please can you give me any tips on how to improve this poem. It is a metaphor about relationships and trust.I have written it for my friends birthday but I would love your opinion before I give it to her.
I believe it is a bit vague, flowery and cheesy in someparts. Any ideas to simplify, because less is sometimes more..x mj

[seeksthebalance]

Hey Monique,

I like the concept you've got here, the idea of all being stripped away until the only thing left is your core being. I also like the positive energy you have included through the characters learning from the experience. I would say this reads as a little prosy, there is no definite pulse. Perhaps you could work on giving it a stronger sense of rhythm.

I agree also with your comment that it is a bit vague. You have a good structure in terms of the action of the poem, but I think you need to tell us more about this person climbing a mountain, and also more about the person who is with her. I read into it as being a spiritual companion like God more than a physical companion, but it is not too clear (deliberate?).

Hope these comments help.

Seeks.

[moniquejade]

Thanks seeks for your reply. Im glad that you found something positive. Well, I guess it turned out quite vague because I deliberately try not to be too obvious. I have a problem with this sometimes. I will have to try shorten and simplify it maybe and just get the essence with more honesty. But it only just about relationships between men and women specially relating to my friend because she had alot of tough ones. and trusting the person you are with. There is no religion involved. but Its going to be alot more difficult to revise now.. best wishes

[moniquejade]

This might be a bit better-


She stands at the bottom
Looking upwards
The soft white protection surrounding her
and there is someone else with her too.
the journey seemed naive at first
but time urged on and
The atmosphere suddenly turned
the wind became iced
and piece by piece the protection blew away
flying off to the side
as millions of tiny white birds
migrating in to the distance forever
The wind faster now
swiftly blowing bleak and raw
bitting at her face
She attempts to grab hold of the pieces
as they blow off her skin
but as she opens her hands there is only air
unmoving and now alone
she is relieved
as she moves closer to normality
becaue she has learnt
with what to wrap herself
in preparation for the next lesson
because she is stronger now...

copyright (c) monique anderson Sep 05

[BlueForAQuarter]

I think the revise is a bit better, though you may want to add some punctuation. I think it'd help group the individual thoughts better, unless you were trying to go for a more stream of consciousness vibe, in which case I guess it would be fine.