State Address

[Asbo1]

Beating the weak and starving the slaves
Driving the frightened ones into their graves
We're mugging the old and raping the young
The National Anthem it has to be sung

The thunder of jackboots out in the street
Living alone with nothing to eat
Waiting for pension day, waiting for dole
You just got down to your last bag of coal

The windows are grimy
The chain's on the door
You clean up the puke you left on the floor
And pick up the bills you're unable to pay

Thank the Lord for another wonderful day

[Derek]

I have not read all of the poems on the site yet but i am going to, so far this is my favourite.

[dillingworth]

ASBO I like your style - very down to earth but at the same time profound. Especially like "We're mugging the old and raping the young".

Bleak but brilliant.

[the tortoise of doom]

I really like this, I'm just new to the site and have not read much, however this poem strikes a chord. I like the use of vivid imagery with an essentially bleak undertone. The content is depressing but true and the first stanza I particularly like - it's food for thought. Thanks for sharing it!
Dan

[BlueForAQuarter]

I like the language and how you have handled the subject, but the rhyme seems a bit forced in places, in my opinion. Good job otherwise, though.

[Derek]

Please can you show where the rhyme seems forced in places?

[BlueForAQuarter]

Sure thing.

"Waiting for pension day, waiting for dole
You just got down to your last bag of coal"

The second line doesn't seem to naturally follow the first one. It feels like the author was thinking, "Hmm... what rhymes with dole?" rather than it just flowing out that way.

Also...

"The windows are grimy
The chain's on the door
You clean up the puke you left on the floor
And pick up the bills you're unable to pay

Thank the Lord for another wonderful day"

Feels a bit awkward to me. The third line doesn't make much sense, and I'd think if it were mine, I'd reword the last couple of lines.

[Derek]

I kind of understand. Is rewording not the author thinking, what shall i change to make this appealing to someone other than myself? I have heard forced rhyming said many times but have never understood. I do not understand forced poetry. I like all that the many minds add and take from anothers poem. I am not a great reader of poetry and did not know it had any rules, spilling it from the heart or gut is all i have ever done so i like putting a poem on this site to see what people think. It does seem to me that a few poets think a poem is never finished but this is not how i write but i may be wrong Once a poem is published that is it for me, it is there for the readers. Will you let me know if you feel i force any lines or anything you feel i may be doing wrong?

[Asbo1]

Feel the Force.