Return (Edited: still not sure)

[Ladyhawk]

RETURN

Standing drenched
on the cold slab,
a rushing icy
shiver forced
through cracks.
A stab of needles
climbed flesh,
winced,
as toes squeaked.
Squinting
through showers
for the lock’s opening.
Quivering,
the door creaks
an aroma, meeting
sweetness.
A rushing fall behind,
a paused frame
silence...
‘its good to be home’

EDITED VERSION


Standing drenched
on the cold slab,
a rush, icy shivers
forced through cracks.

A stab of needles
climbed flesh and winced,
as toes squeaked.

Squinting through showers,
for the lock’s opening.

Quivering, the door creaks.
An aroma,
sweetness.
meets a rush

falling behind,
a pause under
the frame, and silence...

‘its good to be home’.

[NorwichPoet]

Hi

Almost nervous to be first to post (being a newby)! Loved this - I wasn't sure what was coming a first, mainly down to my interpretation of "slab" (dad was an undertaker). However certainly got that sense of relief of "good to be home".

Favourite bits "toes squeaked" and the idea of 'squinting through showers...." Not quite so sure of "a paused frame silence" though can't put my finger on it, mixed tenses maybe? I assume the suggestion is a pause in the door frame?

A delightful read though.

Regards
NP

[Ladyhawk]

Hi

Almost nervous to be first to post (being a newby)! Loved this - I wasn't sure what was coming a first, mainly down to my interpretation of "slab" (dad was an undertaker). However certainly got that sense of relief of "good to be home".

Favourite bits "toes squeaked" and the idea of 'squinting through showers...." Not quite so sure of "a paused frame silence" though can't put my finger on it, mixed tenses maybe? I assume the suggestion is a pause in the door frame?

A delightful read though.

Regards
NP

Welcome to your first post . I agree about the pause frame and it has been altered twice before posting but still not happy with it. You are right it is a pause in the door frame. I will work on that. Glad you liked; it is still a working progress. I like the fact you had a thought about the slab, which is such a cold word and I chose that because standing there feeling like death on the door, seems appropriate and you thinking because of your dad's job certainly confirms as such. Enjoy your adventurous journey on this website. It is a great way to learn about our poets and their preferences ect.

[RichardSanders]

Hi Lady,

I like it but you lost me at squinting.
You start of in passed tense and suddenly switch to present tense.
I can't make out why.
Whas this intentional?
If not, I'd advise to chose one or the other.

Hope it helps.

Kindest,
Richard

[Sandbanx]

Hope that you don't mind me suggesting a change in structure to remove some un-needed pauses and also me adding a word ("and") for drama, in the second last line:

Standing drenched
on the cold slab,
a rushing icy shiver
forced through cracks.

A stab of needles
climbed flesh, winced,
as toes squeaked.

Squinting through showers,
for the lock’s opening.

Quivering, the door creaks.
An aroma, meeting sweetness.
A rushing fall behind,
a paused frame, and silence...

‘its good to be home’.


I don't see that there is a change in tense here. "I am standing", I am squinting" , the door is quivering"? But I don't know grammar like I should....

Nicely done though.... I liked vbery much reading this and how the welcoming warmth of 'home" is heightend by the cold, wet, dreary outdoors

[RichardSanders]

Hi ladyhawk,

You already have some good feedback to think about but I would like to add an additional suggestion.

Perhaps you can replace "showers" by "torrents". A shower seems to light to me to require "squinting".

Otherwise, an enjoyable read.

Hope it helps,

Kindest,
Richard

[Sybil]

Hi! I really enjoyed this poem quite a bit. Your descriptions were very strong; I could hear, see, and smell your poem.

I think you are a wonderful writer.

[Sybil]

Hi! I really enjoyed this poem quite a bit. Your descriptions were very strong; I could hear, see, and smell your poem.

I think you are a really wonderful writer.

[nar]

Hello, Ladyhawk.

Both versions are quite powerful, and express the feeling well.

If I may: When I first read this, I was aware of lots of hard verbs at the start, and a few (well used) modifiers. Then at the end, some nice soft adjectives. If I were to make any suggestion, I think I'd be tempted to take this pattern ever further. Make the modifiers at the start gerunds, and add more hard verbs. Even more K's and Q's and V's! Then at the end, counterpoint by softening things even more with a few slushy adverbs and vowely stuff.

This is lovely to read in my Glaswegian accent:

A stab of needles
climbed flesh and winced,
as toes squeaked.

Squinting through showers,
for the lock’s opening

Nicely done & appreciated.

Warmest,

- Neil