The Fountain

[ljordan]

The Fountain

She lived in three small rooms.
Her knick-knacks cast a silence
wrapped in what should have hummed.
Her rouge was red, her hair combed;
she sat alone, ate lasagna, drank wine.
I once carved her name in a tree that died.

I doodle these stairways and spirals,
coils of smoke that tunnel off the page
where I fill in the loops of Os.
After a while they shine
like pennies and dimes.

[Mic]

There is some nice sound patterning in this. I liked it.

Mic

[brianedwards]

Yes, sounds very nice Larry, but I'm having some trouble with the image of smoke coils tunnelling. Also find the pennies and dimes a little obvious as things that shine.
Minor points, hope they help.

B.

[Nash]

Yes, like the others have said, the sonics are excellent in this. It reads very nicely indeed.

I'm thinking that L3 might read even better by replacing 'what' with 'that which'? You'd get a nice bit of added assonance with that too (knack/wrapped/that).

Do we need to be told that her rouge was red? I'm not sure it can be anything else can it.

S2 is excellent and, just as a point of reference to counter Brian's comment, I think I know what you're talking about with the coils of smoke doodles 'tunnelling off the page'. Makes sense to me.

Very much enjoyed this one and I look forward to reading more from you.

Thanks,
Nash.

[Ron63]

Enjoyable poem that reads smooth to me, but then I came across 'rouge was red'. As someone has already pointed out, rouge is red, which makes one of the words redundant.

[ray miller]

Nice poem. I preferred the first verse, 2nd, 3rd and 6th lines especially.I like doodling the stairs and spirals too, last 4 lines just don't grab me much.

[Arian]

I liked s1 quite a lot, good mood. Especially

I once carved her name in a tree that died.
Great line!

On the other hand

Her rouge was red...

Well, yes. I guess it would be, wouldn't it?

s2 felt a bit lost to me, as though the poet was trying to inject an artificial profundity. The narrative clarity that pervades s1 is lost.

Still, enjoyable and moody. Within touching distance of being a nice piece, I'd say.

cheers
peter

[Arian]

Her rouge was red...

Well, yes. I guess it would be, wouldn't it?

Ah, just noticed that nash made the same point. Sorry. Still, worth repeating.

[brianedwards]

I like the rouge line for its unremarkable quality. Just to qualify my previous comment, smoke coils rise, and tunnelling off suggests a different movement, downwards and away. Smoke also dissipates and tunnels keep their shape. Jars for me on every read anyway. Tunnel is the wrong verb.

B.

[ljordan]

What great notes. Wonderful and much to chew. Been thinking that the "smoke" may change to "furl from the page" Brian's point about direction does risk a misdirection, as do the notes about rouge. I was looking for the redundancy to underline the simplicity of the subject, but it's not working. May use "powder" instead. Really appreciate the comments, such a great help.

larry

[Oskar]

I like S1. Makes me think of Miss Havisham from Great Expectations. S2 seems to be a different fish altogether. It's a nice piece of alchemy, but I don't like tunnels either.

Cheers

[brianedwards]

I was looking for the redundancy to underline the simplicity of the subject, but it's not working. May use "powder" instead.

I think the rouge line achieves exactly what you intended. Powder is too vague and thus replaces the simplicity with mystery. That's fine, but it describes s different person. Depends on your intent.

B.

[k-j]

I also enjoyed this.

The title seems irrelevant? Unless it's an oblique link to the last line. But I think this is a little hard to work out.

Love lines one through three.

Agree with the general disadain for the red rouge. Following Brian, I understand the thinking, but the subject's simplicity is abundantly obvious already, so this line just confuses.

I love the "coils of smoke that tunnel off the page". The problem with pennies and dimes is that they so rarely shine, so not really a good example of a shiny thing. And also that they're just two classes of the same thing, so there's a redundancy there. You could just end it with "shine" if no good simile presents itself.

The quality of the writing shines through.

[twoleftfeet]

I like the rouge line for its unremarkable quality. Just to qualify my previous comment, smoke coils rise, and tunnelling off suggests a different movement, downwards and away. Smoke also dissipates and tunnels keep their shape. Jars for me on every read anyway. Tunnel is the wrong verb.
B.

Yes indeedy.
Could you drop "spirals" as a noun and use it instead of "tunnels"?

L3 is interesting, in that silence is conventionally employed as the "wrapper", whereas here it is the "wrappee"
however you have sidestepped the description of "what".

Like Peter, I enjoyed the comic line, but overall I failed to see any connection between S1 and S2 or the point of the title.
(This is often the case with pedantic old gits)

[Wilcken]

Hi larry,

I too am trying to put the three parts together, but this did catch my eye, maybe because it has a bit of an Eleanor Rigby feel. I also like the idea of a progression from cursive to smoke to other round things, just not quite sure how it all comes together here yet.

Wilcken

P.S. Thank you for your post on Mercaptan Halos, I did not want to bump it back up but I appreciated your comments and will use them as I revise.

[the stranger]

Late to this one, just to say I very much enjoyed it.

"I once carved her name in a tree that died."

Would perhaps make for a wonderful closure? Hanging there like dead wood. You'd also have more symmetrical stanzas 5 and 5, if you're at all bothered about that, just a thought.

She lived in three small rooms.
Her knick-knacks cast a silence
wrapped in what should have hummed.
Her rouge was red, her hair combed;
she sat alone, ate lasagna, drank wine.

I doodle these stairways and spirals,
coils of smoke that tunnel off the page
where I fill in the loops of Os.
After a while they shine
like pennies and dimes.

I once carved her name in a tree that died.

cheers
Kris