Somewhere in-between
the ho-hum routines
his asymmetry would enchant me
as he teetered past.
The bucketful of confetti
he never got to throw
holding him askew.
Pinned to his coat-tails
his lead grey balloon
would wring out its hanky
upon his head, bathing him
in the grease-paint melancholy
of a Pagliaccio pallor,
bilious and see through.
Town clown
Maybe it begins too slowly (and what are ho-hum routines?), but I like how the clown imagery has been brought into the poem. The imagery doesn't do enough for me though, and the ending's rather tame. I take the ending to mean that the mucking-about didn't fool the narrator, that perhaps the "town clown" wanted people to see how sad he was.
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Antcliff
- Perspicacious Poster
- Posts: 6599
- Joined: Thu Nov 24, 2011 1:35 am
- Location: At the end of stanza 3
Hi!
Quite enchanted by this. I recall delighting in the asymmetry of the clowns, As you imply, not so much the routines, but the fact that the clowns survived through them but still on the stilts. "See through" fall nicely. Like the way it moves along, and sound.
Best,
Seth
Quite enchanted by this. I recall delighting in the asymmetry of the clowns, As you imply, not so much the routines, but the fact that the clowns survived through them but still on the stilts. "See through" fall nicely. Like the way it moves along, and sound.
Best,
Seth
We fray into the future, rarely wrought
Save in the tapestries of afterthought.
Richard Wilbur
Save in the tapestries of afterthought.
Richard Wilbur
Hello Tim, Hello Seth.
Thank you both for taking a look and commenting.
The idea for Town Clown actually came from a gentleman who passes my home most days. I always seem to notice him Tim, more than I really mean to, when I am in-between 'my own' mundane 'ho-hum routines', such as washing the car, cleaning the windows, mowing the lawn etc.
The history to his sadness, I was to discover was routed in the betrayal and desertion he suffered as a young man by his irreplaceable sweetheart, not long before they were due to wed, never to be seen again. He was left broken-hearted to raise their new-born child alone.
Quite the saddest figure, as he wanders around with no apparent intent or direction, his child now grown and also gone.
Glad you found it enchanting Seth. I find it uncomfortable not to stare whenever I see him.
Many thanks
Robbie.
Thank you both for taking a look and commenting.
The idea for Town Clown actually came from a gentleman who passes my home most days. I always seem to notice him Tim, more than I really mean to, when I am in-between 'my own' mundane 'ho-hum routines', such as washing the car, cleaning the windows, mowing the lawn etc.
The history to his sadness, I was to discover was routed in the betrayal and desertion he suffered as a young man by his irreplaceable sweetheart, not long before they were due to wed, never to be seen again. He was left broken-hearted to raise their new-born child alone.
Quite the saddest figure, as he wanders around with no apparent intent or direction, his child now grown and also gone.
Glad you found it enchanting Seth. I find it uncomfortable not to stare whenever I see him.
Many thanks
Robbie.
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Arian
- Perspicacious Poster
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- Joined: Tue Aug 11, 2009 8:41 am
- antispam: no
- Location: Hertfordshire, UK
I like this a lot.
I'm not sure there's much below its surface, but that's not a fault, and the surface is very attractive - simple but engaging, light but evocative, well-paced and unforced. I especially like the use of half-rhyme to occasionally boost the pace. The last couplet is well-timed and nicely weighted.
Perhaps 'my ho-hum routines' might clear up any confusion.
I really can't think of any nits that transcend the purely gratuitous. Very good.
Cheers
peter
I'm not sure there's much below its surface, but that's not a fault, and the surface is very attractive - simple but engaging, light but evocative, well-paced and unforced. I especially like the use of half-rhyme to occasionally boost the pace. The last couplet is well-timed and nicely weighted.
Perhaps 'my ho-hum routines' might clear up any confusion.
I really can't think of any nits that transcend the purely gratuitous. Very good.
Cheers
peter
Thank you very much Peter for your kind comments.
They are very encouraging, and truly appreciated.
I think your suggestion for 'my' ho-hum routines works much better, and as you point out, would avoid a little confusion.
Cheers
Robbie.
They are very encouraging, and truly appreciated.
I think your suggestion for 'my' ho-hum routines works much better, and as you point out, would avoid a little confusion.
Cheers
Robbie.
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twoleftfeet
- Perspicacious Poster
- Posts: 6761
- Joined: Wed Dec 07, 2005 4:02 pm
- Location: Standing by a short pier, looking for a long run-up
Hi, Robbie
I enjoyed this a lot - I think S1 is pretty much perfect.
In S2, this image is strikingly surreal:
his lead grey balloon
would wring out its hanky
upon his head
- through colour, implying a "lead balloon" that can float in the air!
Presumably it is also meant to signify a rain-cloud?
However, by personifying it, I think the metaphor becomes a tad messy. (Apologies if I'm missing something)
Geoff
I enjoyed this a lot - I think S1 is pretty much perfect.
In S2, this image is strikingly surreal:
his lead grey balloon
would wring out its hanky
upon his head
- through colour, implying a "lead balloon" that can float in the air!
Presumably it is also meant to signify a rain-cloud?
However, by personifying it, I think the metaphor becomes a tad messy. (Apologies if I'm missing something)
Geoff
Instead of just sitting on the fence - why not stand in the middle of the road?
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LoveMinusZero
- Posts: 11
- Joined: Fri May 10, 2013 3:30 am
Really great poem here. Great imagery, combined with nice rhythm and a solid idea for a poem; I liked it the whole way through.
A dying man in a living room.
Hello Geoff, Hello LMZ.
I am really pleased that you both found this enjoyable to read. I tried to consider so many pieces of very good advice I have received personally, or read in crits on others work here on PGW when composing this, to receive such positive comments has made the 'many' drafts worthwhile.
Geoff, I found your point about personifying the metaphor very interesting, and admit I would not of thought about it in that way unless you had pointed it out, so thanks for that. I understand how it could detract from the effect, so will consider that also in future pieces.
Many thanks both
Robbie.
I am really pleased that you both found this enjoyable to read. I tried to consider so many pieces of very good advice I have received personally, or read in crits on others work here on PGW when composing this, to receive such positive comments has made the 'many' drafts worthwhile.
Geoff, I found your point about personifying the metaphor very interesting, and admit I would not of thought about it in that way unless you had pointed it out, so thanks for that. I understand how it could detract from the effect, so will consider that also in future pieces.
Many thanks both
Robbie.
Seth has converted me to sending a few poems to online mags. I get more rejections, than acceptances, and it can be a long wait for responses, but it is an option you may want to consider.A little bit nervous about having now raised my own bar,
cheers
mac