Dois rios

[Mic]

I wrote your name on the beach with a stick
but the sea soon came and took it away

so I wrote it again —
out of sea's reach

laid out a towel
took an apple from my bag

but two bites in

a crab scuttled over, its eyes on stalks,
and pincered a letter, then another and another

dragged them all to a hole in the sand

so I wrote it again —
in seaweed and stones

and I swam

'til the night drew in
and the trees grew closer

when a monkey, looping its tail
round a branch,

snatched at the seaweed S,
ran through the treetops beating its chest

and the sea swelled up.

Under water
the stones of your name
roll farther, roll faster.






Original

I wrote your name with a stick on the beach
but the sea soon came and took it away

so I wrote it again --
but out of sea's reach

then laid out a towel
took an apple from my bag

but two bites in

a crab scuttled over, its eyes on stalks,
and pincered a letter, then another and another --

dragged them all to a hole in the sand,

so I wrote it again
in seaweed and stone

then I swam. And the night drew in.

And in the dark of their mountain
the trees grew closer

[Ros]

Love the crab pinching the letters - but I'm afraid the rest doesn't do a great deal for me - it is a poem that needs simplicity, but I feel you need to make the language more interesting, particularly in the first three couplets. The idea of writing a name in the sand isn't particularly interesting in itself, so you need something else to grab the reader. And the last verse adds atmosphere and but also seems to be hinting at something more profound that isn't really justified. Perhaps you need a deeper meaning for the name being buried?

Ros

[Mic]

Thanks Ros.

The first three or four couplets were in some ways my favourite bit!

I suppose my thinking on these things is that ornate, or more 'interesting' language can sometimes eclipse the idea (unless handled really well - and I still need practice on that front). But the idea and setting does have to be good in order to make the poem work. It may well be that the idea and setting here isn't really strong enough.

I've added a bit to it.

Mic

[champion]

Hello Mic.
I actually enjoyed the language you chose, without adornment, to describe something so simple and 'un-intersting' as writing a name in sand, seaweed and stone.
To me, it seemed so apt, and I could see the narrators vexation at having their simple creation taken from them before they even had time to enjoy it, as they sat and ate their apple.
The piratic crab lines, along with Ros, were also my favourite part, which I felt added a 'you had to be there' moment which I thoroughly enjoyed.
I liked your original version better Mic. Once again, for me, the act of writing the name alone was enough, and I would have enjoyed it no less, had it ended at

so I wrote it again
in seaweed and stones

then I swam.

Apologies for not being able to offer any constructive criticism this time,
simply enjoyed.

Cheers
Robbie.

[Mic]

Thanks Robbie.
Interesting that you suggest I end on 'I swam'. I had also considered this, and may well still cut what currently comes after it, which I feel is perhaps trying too hard to reach for 'something else'.

[twoleftfeet]

I actually enjoyed the language you chose, without adornment, to describe something so simple and 'un-intersting' as writing a name in sand, seaweed and stone.
To me, it seemed so apt, and I could see the narrators vexation at having their simple creation taken from them before they even had time to enjoy it, as they sat and ate their apple.

I agree with that, Mic.
I enjoyed the repetitive element - it reminded me of children's tales like "The Enormous Turnip" and "The Little Red Hen".

Is there any point in the title other than it denotes Portugal (or Brazil, etc)?

I like Robbie's suggestion of ending on "swam" but I also like the personification of the stones,
so (if it feasible that N is ditching her amour)
perhaps you could end with -
then just as the sea engulfed you,
I swam. ?

Geoff

[Mic]

Thanks Geoff.
I've re-written the second half a bit.

Mic

[Mic]

Geoff - Dois rios is the name of the beach (in Brazil)

[twoleftfeet]

Thanks Geoff.
I've re-written the second half a bit.

Mic

I think the ending of V2 is a definite improvement.

Geoff - Dois rios is the name of the beach (in Brazil)

Note to self - consider using Google Images, not just Google webpage search..

[Arian]

It's a tricky thing to pull off - using simplicity of language as a way of generating a complex emotional impact, but I think this does a pretty fair job. Simple language, for sure, but a certain poignancy to it, too. It has a reflective quality, especially in the last 3 lines which I like a lot.

One nit - first line, 'on the beach' is a bit of an unattached clause, even though we know what you mean. Might be better as

I wrote your name on the beach with a stick


Cheers
peter

[Macavity]

hi mic,
enjoyed the poem, that underlying feel of logic to the magic (though the monkey felt random - you already have some 'then' in the narrative - perhaps a gull would be more appropriate).

and the sea swelled up.

Under water
the stones of your name
roll farther, roll faster.

Lovely ending.

mac

[Mic]

Thanks Peter - I thought there was something funny about that opening line, so thank you. Have amended.

The ending of this one took a while to arrive at, but I quite like the nod to Elizabeth Bishop given that this was written in Brazil and, in many ways, is meant as a funny/serious look at loss.

Mic

[Mic]

Mac - my reply to you didn't make it for some reason.

I was saying that wouldn't a gull be as random as the monkey?

Glad you like those last three lines

Mic

[Macavity]

hi mic,
It's probably just me. The sea and beach imagery made such an impression that the 'monkey' felt 'random' - even taking into account 'and the trees grew closer/then a monkey'. Perhaps the 'and/then' narrative device seeming a bit of an add on. Then again, perhaps the monkey adds some additional colour. Either way still enjoyed the poem and no else has mentioned the addition of the 'monkey magic' .

cheers

mac

[Antcliff]

I rather liked the ending, reminding me of Bishop's "One Art".

I wonder if you really need "and took it away"? That seems implicit in the earlier part of line+ln 4?

Seth

[Mic]

Cheers Mac. In some way I'm sort of describing the way the forest comes almost right down to the sea in places. I do, though, think I know what you mean about the monkey.

Thanks Seth. Yes - the ending is a nod to exactly that poem. And good point about 'and took it away'. It does seem to 'work' without it - so from an economy sense it would be a good move to cut it. But... there is something about the tone/voice that I think maybe this (superfluous?) phrase helps point to, so I'm feeling attached to it for that reason. I may well change my mind on this though.

Mic

[joe77evans]

I think the monkey would convince more if it was named by species - take your pick... http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_ma ... l#Primates. A squirrel monkey would fit with the alliteration. Maybe a full stop, then 'A squirrel monkey' instead of 'then a monkey'?

[dedalus]

An interesting idea (sort of) that doesn't really crawl anywhere. I've seen you do a lot better than this.

[Mic]

Thanks Joe - it was in fact a howler monkey - so I may well include that.

Ded - thanks for your candid response. It is fascinating what appeals to others (and doesn't) and the contrast with how we feel ourselves about the poems we produce. I've written poems that I don't feel so keen on that much at all that others seem to really like. And vice versa of course, and this (at the moment anyway, I may think differently later) is one of my favourites.