Grave goods (v2)

[joe77evans]

Grave goods (v2)

A black granite tablet, polished
mirror-bright on one surface; rough
beneath. Incised with glyphs representing
fruit. Formal garments, lain
in the spoil of perished cellophane cauls,
identify this microlith with a briefly
flowering potlatch variation
known as the 'Box Fresh' cargo cult.

A culinary product, seemingly intact;
packaging long since decayed.
Toxic levels of chemical preservatives
indicate a ritual 'muffin' item,
not intended for consumption.
This 'muffin' evidences worship
of Bingo Wings, goddess of longevity,
fetish-figure for the 'fattening religion'.

Grey cave light falls on the folded
angles of a leather grimace. Scavenger,
starveling, maddened survivor, rooting
in the rubbish of inexplicable loss.
It's so cold in here. Out on the hillside
I breathe again, under an ink-wash sky.
There is white water far below me:
breakers on a reef that was once a city.



Grave goods (original)

A black granite tablet, polished
mirror-bright on one surface;
rough beneath. Incised with glyphs
representing fruit. Unsoiled garments,
within the remnants of their wrapping,
identify this microlith with the briefly
flowering potlatch variation known
as the 'Box Fresh' cargo cult.

A confectionary product, seemingly
intact; packaging long since decayed.
High levels of chemical preservatives
indicate a ritual 'muffin' item,
unsuitable for human consumption.
This 'muffin' evidences linkage
to Bingo Wings, goddess of longevity,
fetish-figure for the 'fattening religion'.

The site lies on high ground,
largely undamaged by inundation.
A thick and well-defined plasto-strata
indicates extensive, proto-atavistic
habitation, to connect the burial with worship
of pre-collapse ancestor-figures.
The corpse is both tattooed and branded.
Death was caused by malnutrition.

[brianedwards]

It's a bit wordy Joe, but I quite like the idea of the first two stanzas. S3 fails to deliver on that promise though.

The site lies on high ground,
largely undamaged by inundation.
A thick and well-defined plasto-strata
indicates extensive, proto-atavistic
habitation,

That's just about the least poetic thing I've read in a poem for some time. . .

Kudos on getting Bingo Wings into a poem though!

B.

[joe77evans]

Thanks Brian. I did quite like 'plasto-strata... proto-atavistic' but I take your point. It's meant to be quite crunchy and technical but pushed a bit far, into being slightly surreal. I've got another version brewing up so I will post that a bit later. I think the goddess Bingo Wings may resurface in subsequent poem - she has potential...

[Oskar]

Joe

I like the idea and enjoyed it enough to have read it through a few times. You've definitely got something to work with here. It's nicely off-centre and probably already lives as a quirky performance piece. But as a poem? Needs a few more ingredients, I think.

Regards

[David]

It's a bit wordy Joe, but I quite like the idea of the first two stanzas. S3 fails to deliver on that promise though.

I agree with Brian that the first two stanzas are the best, and that S3 is (comparatively) a disappointment, but I don't mind the wordiness of the first two. That's part of the idea, isn't it? Works well, I think.

Cheers

David

[Jackie]

It's an interesting picture you build here, Joe. To me—no doubt missing the point—it reads more like an investigator's list of evidence, so as I read I expect a startling discovery. I'm a little disappointed to find out no more than it was "once a city."

Any chance you could change the goddess Bingo Wings to the god Chap Flaps?

Jackie