Revision 2
[center]The wisher,
Adding tears to the river.
Watch the waters flow forever,
Like his heart that's spilling over
With un-given gifts of love.
Never looks behind, because
There's no one there to find him
In this state of gilded woe and veiled remembrance.
Forward facing, eyes firm fixed,
His steps shall never falter
To be quicker than the past can draw its shroud
And visions alter.
Even though these days are brighter,
Stars may cloud his mind
But still, not one of them escaped,
His wishes, safely penned.
They can depend on him,
The wisher.[/center]
Revision No.1
[center]The wisher,
Adding wishes to the river.
Watching ripples grow forever,
Like his heart that's spilling over
With its un-got gifts of love.
Never looks behind, because
There's no one there to find him
In this state of gilded woe and veild remembrance.
Forward facing, eyes firm fixed
And steps that shall not falter,
To be quicker than the past can draw its shroud
And visions alter.
Even though these days are brighter
Stars may cloud the mind.
But still not one of them escaped,
His wishes, safely penned.
They can depend on him,
The wisher.[/center]
Original
[center]The wisher,
Adding wishes to the river.
Watching ripples grow forever.
Like his heart that floweth over
With its un-got gifts of love.
Never looks behind, because
There's no one there to find him
In this state of gilded woe and blue remembrance.
Forward are his eyes firm fixed
And steps that shall not falter,
To be quicker than the past can draw its veil
And visions alter.
Even when the days are bright
The sun may cloud the mind.
But he finds not one of them escaped
His wishes, safely penned.
They can depend on him,
The wisher.[/center]
The Wisher (Revision No.2)
-
Ros
- Moderator
- Posts: 7963
- Joined: Sun Dec 07, 2008 4:53 pm
- antispam: no
- Location: this hill-shadowed city/of razors and knives.
- Contact:
I'm not sure I've seen 'guild' used as an adjective before.
Floweth? Why the sudden archaism?
Floweth? Why the sudden archaism?
Rosencrantz: What are you playing at? Guildenstern: Words. Words. They're all we have to go on.
___________________________
Antiphon - www.antiphon.org.uk
___________________________
Antiphon - www.antiphon.org.uk
Opps!!!! LOL
Hi Ros,
That of course should be gilded, I'm not sure what guilded would imply LOL.
The use of "floweth" fitted the meter better and the line had to finish with "over", as the progression of - river, ever, over, love. I just liked it, do you think it's a bit jarring?
Thanks Ros
Mark
Hi Ros,
That of course should be gilded, I'm not sure what guilded would imply LOL.
The use of "floweth" fitted the meter better and the line had to finish with "over", as the progression of - river, ever, over, love. I just liked it, do you think it's a bit jarring?
Thanks Ros
Mark
-
laurenharper
- Posts: 19
- Joined: Mon Apr 27, 2015 2:26 am
Hi Mark,
This is nice and it made me smile. I'm new here, so take my advice with a grain of salt, but how about:
"Like his heart that spills over" instead of "floweth."
Lauren
This is nice and it made me smile. I'm new here, so take my advice with a grain of salt, but how about:
"Like his heart that spills over" instead of "floweth."
Lauren
Good morning Lauren,
I did consider "spills", but I needed a 2 syllable word to fit the meter. I know many folks have told me that meter doesn't always have to be so important these days, but if I can, I always like to have it as perfect as possible. Well, maybe to say that meter is not always so important is wrong, but that you can relax the meter from time to time, might be a better way to put it.
I will rethink the line, and possibly much more as time goes on, everything is a learning curve LOL. I think there are 2 main reasons I post. 1 is that, after sitting so long on my writings and doing nothing with them, it's nice to finally share them with other like minded people and see what they think. The second, is to learn and to try and make them better. Only other peoples views can do that. I have found that everyone is quite kind and constructive here, even when they don't like something. It's like being slapped with a velvet glove LOL, I'm sure you'll have a great time here.
Thanks for you kind comments.
Mark
I did consider "spills", but I needed a 2 syllable word to fit the meter. I know many folks have told me that meter doesn't always have to be so important these days, but if I can, I always like to have it as perfect as possible. Well, maybe to say that meter is not always so important is wrong, but that you can relax the meter from time to time, might be a better way to put it.
I will rethink the line, and possibly much more as time goes on, everything is a learning curve LOL. I think there are 2 main reasons I post. 1 is that, after sitting so long on my writings and doing nothing with them, it's nice to finally share them with other like minded people and see what they think. The second, is to learn and to try and make them better. Only other peoples views can do that. I have found that everyone is quite kind and constructive here, even when they don't like something. It's like being slapped with a velvet glove LOL, I'm sure you'll have a great time here.
Thanks for you kind comments.
Mark
-
ray miller
- Perspicacious Poster
- Posts: 7482
- Joined: Wed Apr 23, 2008 10:23 am
Nice poem. I thought the last verse let the rest down slightly, a bit bland.
Like his heart that's flowing over - maybe that solves the problem.
With its un-got gifts of love. - I like un-got
blue remembrance. - bit too much like blue remembered hills, I think.
Forward are his eyes firm fixed - that's an awkward construction. How about
With eyes fixed firmly forward?
Like his heart that's flowing over - maybe that solves the problem.
With its un-got gifts of love. - I like un-got
blue remembrance. - bit too much like blue remembered hills, I think.
Forward are his eyes firm fixed - that's an awkward construction. How about
With eyes fixed firmly forward?
I'm out of faith and in my cups
I contemplate such bitter stuff.
I contemplate such bitter stuff.
Hello Ray,
Yes I know what you mean about the last stanza. I knew it wasn't really finished when I posted it, part of the reason for posting I suppose. I know there's something there that I like, but it's not all quite together yet.
I think I have a solution for the "floweth" debacle lol, but blue remembered hills I hadn't thought about, let's see what I can do.
Thanks for you thoughts Ray, much appreciated.
Mark
Yes I know what you mean about the last stanza. I knew it wasn't really finished when I posted it, part of the reason for posting I suppose. I know there's something there that I like, but it's not all quite together yet.
I think I have a solution for the "floweth" debacle lol, but blue remembered hills I hadn't thought about, let's see what I can do.
Thanks for you thoughts Ray, much appreciated.
Mark
I'm not sure I understand this one. A couple of things which don't sound right, for me:
The wisher,
Adding wishes to the river.
Watching ripples grow forever. This works in a pond or lake but, ripples in a river disappear quickly.
Like his heart that floweth over
With its un-got gifts of love. I’m not sure that anything can overflow with something it hasn’t got.
Never looks behind, because
There's no one there to find him
In this state of gilded woe and blue remembrance.
Forward are his eyes firm fixed
And steps that shall not falter,
To be quicker than the past can draw its veil - To be quicker than the past drawing it's veil, where visions alter?
And visions alter.
Even when the days are bright
The sun may cloud the mind.
But he finds not one of them escaped One of them? What are you referring to?
His wishes, safely penned.
They can depend on him,
The wisher.
Sorry if I'm being a bit thick. x
The wisher,
Adding wishes to the river.
Watching ripples grow forever. This works in a pond or lake but, ripples in a river disappear quickly.
Like his heart that floweth over
With its un-got gifts of love. I’m not sure that anything can overflow with something it hasn’t got.
Never looks behind, because
There's no one there to find him
In this state of gilded woe and blue remembrance.
Forward are his eyes firm fixed
And steps that shall not falter,
To be quicker than the past can draw its veil - To be quicker than the past drawing it's veil, where visions alter?
And visions alter.
Even when the days are bright
The sun may cloud the mind.
But he finds not one of them escaped One of them? What are you referring to?
His wishes, safely penned.
They can depend on him,
The wisher.
Sorry if I'm being a bit thick. x
Hi Katherine,
I'm sure you're not being thick, lol, I do have a tendency to use that words that mean things to me but possibly not to others. I noticed that you quoted the original and not the edit.
You are right of course, that ripples in a river don't usually stay around too long, but adding wishes to the pond, didn't have the same ring to it. Maybe it will get changed???
The un-got gifts are ones he wishes to give, not that he hasn't had, but I suppose that's not very clear. The first draught went like this
The wisher
Adding wishes to the river
Give forgiveness to the giver
For his heart is full of un-got gifts
It wishes to deliver
But I thought that "Give forgiveness to the giver", made little sense. The giver, is the protagonist, and he is forgiving himself for whatever was the cause of the un-got gifts, not being delivered. Plus it was too rhymie.
In the edit, S2, I used "veiled" as a substitute for "blue" remembrance. So I couldn't use it again for S3, so I used shroud. I'm still not entirely happy with that. I like your suggestion of "where visions alter", but I was thinking more that the past will draw it's veil/shroud "and" in doing so, alter the vision. Does that make sense?
In the edit, S4, the line is "But still not one of them escaped, his wishes,...... " It's the wishes that have not escaped, whilst his mind was clouded by the stars, metaphor for night time. I always find that I feel things differently at night, than I do during the day. Maybe the punctuation is wrong, not sure.
Don't know if this clears things up a bit, probably not LOL, but thanks anyway for your input.
Mark
I'm sure you're not being thick, lol, I do have a tendency to use that words that mean things to me but possibly not to others. I noticed that you quoted the original and not the edit.
You are right of course, that ripples in a river don't usually stay around too long, but adding wishes to the pond, didn't have the same ring to it. Maybe it will get changed???
The un-got gifts are ones he wishes to give, not that he hasn't had, but I suppose that's not very clear. The first draught went like this
The wisher
Adding wishes to the river
Give forgiveness to the giver
For his heart is full of un-got gifts
It wishes to deliver
But I thought that "Give forgiveness to the giver", made little sense. The giver, is the protagonist, and he is forgiving himself for whatever was the cause of the un-got gifts, not being delivered. Plus it was too rhymie.
In the edit, S2, I used "veiled" as a substitute for "blue" remembrance. So I couldn't use it again for S3, so I used shroud. I'm still not entirely happy with that. I like your suggestion of "where visions alter", but I was thinking more that the past will draw it's veil/shroud "and" in doing so, alter the vision. Does that make sense?
In the edit, S4, the line is "But still not one of them escaped, his wishes,...... " It's the wishes that have not escaped, whilst his mind was clouded by the stars, metaphor for night time. I always find that I feel things differently at night, than I do during the day. Maybe the punctuation is wrong, not sure.
Don't know if this clears things up a bit, probably not LOL, but thanks anyway for your input.
Mark
Well, this sounds so old-fashioned, and yet so melodious. Lots of very likeable word play. Which may explain why I like it, and why I'm not overly bothered whether it makes perfect sense or not. The music is in the words.
Very musical. Nice one, Mark. (You are a musician, aren't you?)
Cheers
David
Very musical. Nice one, Mark. (You are a musician, aren't you?)
Cheers
David
Like the revision , Mark. Agree with David on the melody and word play. First stanza very Tennysonian, trochaic tetrameter always seem to me more natural in the English language than iambic feet- goes back to the OE 4 stress line -your poem reminds me somehow of some of his lines in the Lady of Shallot. 'Ungiven gifts' - big improvement on the original.
Regards, C.
Regards, C.
Hello David and Cynwulf,
I have to confess, I'm not a very contemporary man LOL. I am a musician David, a pianist. Even with my music though, I'm still writing melodic sonatas, when the cutting edge seems to be with atonal, single movement studies that focus much more on dynamics than on melody, I don't like much of it I have to say.
With my poetry, I just write whatever comes out, without trying to take it too much in one direction or the other at first, inevitably even to me it seems "old fashioned", I don't mind, I quite like it.
I am still working on having it make a little more sense (honest), nice word play and interesting meters are not quite enough, if it means nothing to others. Again, I know what it all means, but you have be able to portray that to the reader, no?
Thank you both for your kind comments, they are appreciated.
Mark
I have to confess, I'm not a very contemporary man LOL. I am a musician David, a pianist. Even with my music though, I'm still writing melodic sonatas, when the cutting edge seems to be with atonal, single movement studies that focus much more on dynamics than on melody, I don't like much of it I have to say.
With my poetry, I just write whatever comes out, without trying to take it too much in one direction or the other at first, inevitably even to me it seems "old fashioned", I don't mind, I quite like it.
I am still working on having it make a little more sense (honest), nice word play and interesting meters are not quite enough, if it means nothing to others. Again, I know what it all means, but you have be able to portray that to the reader, no?
Thank you both for your kind comments, they are appreciated.
Mark