On realising you have left your child again for three days

[Richard]

I have a hat that is upturned for a song
and that song is empty.

Your mother told me you were asking
after me today

in your Dadda English, in the weh weh blur
of half notes, that is

its um um upturned song, their own felt
rims of empty and full.

They will be the words you will say,
that you are practising.

Some day I will leave without it making a splash
in the newspapers.

I will have placed a hat in a drawer. You will
put it on whilst alone.

[ray miller]

I like the double play on felt and there's some interesting line breaks. Not sure what to make of the last 3 couplets.

[Firebird]

I too like the double take on felt and also the way 'say' in the 5th couplet rhymes with 'some day' in the 6th couplet. Is N out busking away from him child? I have to say I found this poem a little confusing. Probably just my poor reading skills.

Sorry can't be of more help.

Cheers,

Tristan

[David]

Your mother told me you were asking
after me today

in your Dadda English, in the weh weh blur
of half notes, that is

its um um upturned song

I really like that bit, Richard. Very touching.

Not so fond of the apparently wilful transposition of "empty" from the hat to the song, and the last two couplets have a rather sad Reggie Perrin effect.

Not a poem that fills me with a sense of the joys of life, I'm afraid, but I don't believe that was your intention anyway.

Cheers

David

[Arian]

Your mother told me you were asking
after me today

in your Dadda English, in the weh weh blur
of half notes, that is

its um um upturned song

I really like that bit, Richard.

Diito. For me, though, not so much touching as imaginative and clever expression.

I confess that I'm not to sure what to make of the overall 'hat' conceit, but I think it makes no matter - I still found it a nice-sounding and enjoyable piece.

Cheers
Peter

[Jackie]

Richard, I like this very much, for all the reasons that have been mentioned.

I also like what I imagine to be the parent’s recognising that s/he and the child complement each other. One with a song and no hat and the other with a hat and no song. I’m pondering over whilst alone.

I would not have used commas in the 6th couplet. Your two commas make me hear you saying “slow down; this is important.”

This is a pleasure to read aloud.

Jackie

[Richard]

Thank you all. It's nice (and rare) for someone to like a bit I am uncertain of. D - I don't often do uplifting - I know it's a failing! Jackie thanks, you're right about the commas I think.

R

[Macavity]

I have a hat that is upturned for a song
and that song is empty.

Like Tristan, the image that came to mind was busking in the literal sense. However, the hope here is for a 'song' rather than money. So the metaphor seems for hope, but then this is deflated by the fact the 'song is empty'. So N. is hoping for a 'song' that brings no hope? I have a feeling my reading is hopeless

I will have placed a hat in a drawer. You will
put it on whilst alone.

Hopefully, this is not passing on to the next generation a sense of hopelessness. Certainly, the indication is that N. knows the predictability of the outcome. At least the 'alone' weights the voice with a sense of 'guilt' over this responsibility.

its um um upturned song, their own felt
rims of empty and full.

The parallels here seem to point to language development and the 'song' is the narrative of ourselves.

Outside the hooks of cuteness, family tensions, and the emotive baggage of that, the poem drew me in, but left me chewing on parts rather than digesting the whole.

cheers

mac

[B00295798]

in your Dadda English, in the weh weh blur
of half notes, that is

Some day I will leave without it making a splash
in the newspapers

Loved these lines !! I like the tone of the poem and what I think it's saying - I think it could read a bit smoother,

its um um upturned song, their own felt
rims of empty and full.

They will be the words you will say,
that you are practising

... These are a bit sketchy for me, loose, not as definite as the others