Walking in the Wolds (Was: Hands)

[Firebird]

V6

Smooth patination shows
how countless hands
have used this post
for support. And now
my hand too. But not yours.
It rests on mine.


V5

Smooth patination shows
how countless hands
have used this post
for support, and now
my hand, too, but not yours;
it rests on mine.



V4

The smooth patination shows
how countless hands
have used this gatepost
for support
and now
my hand, too
but not yours

your hand
rests on mine.



V3

Countless hands
must have used this gatepost
for support
and now
my hand, too
but not yours

your hand
rests on mine.


V2

Countless hands
must have used this gatepost
for support
and now
my hand, too
but not yours

it
rests on mine.



V1

Countless hands
must have used this gatepost
for support
and now mine, too
but not yours

they
rest on mine.

[1lankest]

I like this. It's a striking piece. I like the thought too.

Knowing you, the gatepost is allegorical but I can't think how.....

Will ponder.

Why is 'they' given its own line?

Luke

[Lou]

Very attractive. You should send It to Nationwide who are using short poems in their latest TV ads - and they're not half as good as your one.

Best,
Lou

[ray miller]

Is the poem stating something out of the ordinary? I don't see it myself. Does a gatepost get leant on for support that frequently? Lampposts, yeah, then you're talking.

[lorijones]

I won't pretend to know what the gatepost represents though I know what it does'nt....a gatepost. Frankly with s little said the gatepost could be just about anything. Trying too hard to seem clever

[k-j]

I don't see why the gatepost has to be allegorical. Sometimes a gatepost is just a gatepost!

I like the poem but am having trouble visualizing the arrangement of the hands. Two resting on the post, and two more on those two. It just seems... odd.

[Firebird]

Thanks all for commenting.

In this instance, a gatepost is just a gatepost. Nothing more. It's a simple scene, which is meant to communicate a moment of intimacy. That's all. No more.

Ray, maybe I need to describe the gatepost a little more, to show how worn/patinated it is by human touch.

K-j, I think your point about two hands on top of two hands is a good one and have changed the poem. I orginally had it as one hand on top of another. It was an aberration changing it.

Thanks for all the help.

Cheers,

Tristan

[Crayon]

Firebird - It's delicate and charming, but I'm not getting much from it. And the bitty formatting bugs me. So maybe you could ... HAIKUFY IT!!!

like countless before
my hand rests on this gatepost ~
and/but/yet yours rests on mine

[Ros]

I like the sentiment, but I'd agree that the formatting is trying to add a profound feeling that it doesn't need to do - the description carries it nicely by itself.

Ros

[Macavity]

The smooth patination shows
how countless hands
have used this gatepost
for support
and now
my hand, too
but not yours

your hand
rests on mine.

Like it Tristan. Perhaps a more defined breath between your/yours.

The smooth patination shows
how countless hands
have used this gatepost
for support
and now
my hand, too
but not yours.

I find your hand
at rest
on mine.

Or something like that.

all the best

mac

[Firebird]

Just posted V5 of this poem, with a new title, too. Be interested to know if it works any better, or still needs work.

Cheers,

Tristan

[JJWilliamson]

I like V5, Tristan, and the format isn't distracting now.

The 'post' is a bit lonely, however. I've seen many a gatepost discoloured by passing hands, some using them to drag their tired frames forward. I immediately thought of the kissing gate and feel it could stand nicely as a simple love metaphor, as well as providing a familiar and much loved image. Perhaps use kissing gate and drop the post bit, or stick with gate. We all touch the gate but not necessarily the post. The close is warm, perhaps a bit twee.

Lovely short poem

Best

JJ

V5

Smooth patination shows
how countless hands
have used this post
for support, and now
my hand, too, but not yours;
it rests on mine.



V4

The smooth patination shows
how countless hands
have used this gatepost
for support
and now
my hand, too
but not yours

your hand
rests on mine.



V3

Countless hands
must have used this gatepost
for support
and now
my hand, too
but not yours

your hand
rests on mine.


V2

Countless hands
must have used this gatepost
for support
and now
my hand, too
but not yours

it
rests on mine.



V1

Countless hands
must have used this gatepost
for support
and now mine, too
but not yours

they
rest on mine.

[bodkin]

Did I not comment before? I like the new revision...

Ian

[k-j]

V5 is the best.

[Antcliff]

Yeh V5 gets my vote

[oggiesnr]

V5 retains the brevity both in spoken form and on the page. Very nice.

Steve

[Firebird]

Thanks JJ, Ian, K-j, Seth and Steve. But I now have V6 which I think is better than V5.

Cheers all,

Tristan

[k-j]

I think you should keep on posting versions of this poem until you've exhausted all the permutations of punctuation.

Actually I think the best configuration is v5, but with a full colon instead of the semi. I like the way the commas make a long sentence that dances along. V6 is too staccato for me. You could go full stop or colon, but I prefer colon for the way it implies causation from line 5 to line 6.

[Firebird]

Thanks for the feedback K-j. I thought in V6 the full stops made the end a little crisper and the final line move along a little better/smoother.

Cheers,

Tristan

[bodkin]

FWIW I think I prefer V5, only personally I wouldn't have a comma before "too"...

[Ros]

I'm voting for v5 too.

Ros