On not knowing where to look for you (revised)

[Ros]

Of this I am certain. That the universe is full of matter
and gravity pulls all matter together.

That the expansion of the universe has not been slowing,
as predicted, but accelerating. You needed space

and it listened, the universe, to you. Its sixty eight percent
dark energy pressed matter’s walls, easing them apart.

Dark matter, twenty seven percent, seeps through the gaps, drops
like echoes in a well.

The rest is normal matter, if so small a part could have that label.
Less than five percent.

I can search in five percent.

~~
One thing is certain. That the universe is full of matter
and gravity pulls all matter together.

That the expansion of the universe has not been slowing due to gravity, as everyone thought,
but has been accelerating.

Sixty eight percent dark energy, moving things apart.
Dark matter, also unknown to me: twenty seven percent.

The rest is normal matter, if so small a part could have that label.
Less than five percent.

I can search in five percent.

[NotQuiteSure]

Ros
Enjoyed how the 'romantic' end arises rather naturally from the 'dry, academic' beginning.
For your consideration:
You start with 'one thing is certain', and then go on to list a number of things.
You might change S1 to
Of this I am certain. That the universe...

I don't understand S2 (poetically rather than cosmologically),
it doesn't really add anything (within the context of searching)
and could be replaced with 'Except'
as in
and gravity pulls all matter together.

Except

[That there is] Sixty eight percent dark energy, moving things apart.

S3[tab][/tab]I'm confused by 'also unknown to me', is the other unknown the 'you' that is lost?

Regards, Not

[JJWilliamson]

Loved the close, Ros

The title kept me reading and it was well worth the effort.
I did stumble along the way but unravelled it after a second read.

I share Not's concern about "one thing"

'Dark matter, also lost to me'...perhaps?

Best

JJ

[Richard]

Ros,

Have you read Carlo Rovelli, Reality is not what it seems? Quantum physics for beginners! Perhaps you are not a beginner but I got something out of it.

The register of the proses text seems to switch between full sentences and more note like sentences and sentence fragments. Is that deliberate?

If you give one thing is certain a line of its own, then the others comments might carry less force. Nothing is certain of course, but then you knew that.

The last line carries all the emotional force of the poem, is that right? I'm not sure that's enough. I think there's something in the idea though, if there's a way of developing the middle...

Best

Richard

[Ros]

Thanks, chaps. I know it's barely half a poem but I got stuck, and thought some feedback might be useful (which it is). I'll see if it can be formed into a poem - quite possibly it's a daft idea...

Ros

[ray miller]

I understood the last 3 lines. The rest I didn't. It may, as you say, be barely half a poem, but I noted that the percentages added up to 100. That's good. That's something to aim at.

[Antcliff]

I liked the ending.

I liked at it all really...though, like others above, I wonder how "One thing" became many.

The poem admits of various readings depending on the identity of the you and the nature of the search. At first I thought the poem was talking of a religious search, but then not.

What really came to mind was trying to interact with someone whose mind is prone to wander away from normal matter....ha! A nice elaborate metaphor. I may be mistaken, but I hear affection on the poem. A Ros "intimate plus infinite" poem I think.

Not sure what to add...except that if this reading is wrong and the "search" is not interaction with another, but something else, then I might need more.

Seth

[Ros]

Thanks Ray. Trying to stretch an idea too far, probably. But 100% is, as you say, at least something.

Yes, I think you have the idea, Seth. It's not meant to be religious. I was thinking of someone so lost from the narrator that they would have to search everywhere for a sign. I'm not sure it's a poem yet, though. That seems rather beyond me at present.

Ros

[bjondon]

Hi Ros,

this piece has stuck in my mind for the last three weeks . . . I would love to see it eventually take flight!

My one hunch for developing it is to somehow clarify that matter and energy are essentially the same stuff. (L6 is where it falters). -That was the key confusion that threw me (at first I thought the 100% was a weird coincidence!) I think most of us laypeople kind of know this without really getting it, so just a brief clue or nudge would probably be enough.

The immensity of human love and the language we use to talk about science is what I got from this piece. Science-speke, with each reread becomes increasingly permeated with intense emotion. This individual is clutching at straws but so are 'we' or 'Science' with this whole '100%' desperate fudge.

Julian

[David]

It works for me as a poem already. Lovely last line. I do think Not has a point about S2. But don't abandon this. It perhaps just needs a little tuning to make it really sing.

Cheers

David

[Ros]

Hi Ros,

this piece has stuck in my mind for the last three weeks

Julian

That's about the nicest thing you could say, Julian! Welcome to PG! I'll take your comments on board. And thanks, David, too. I'll see if I can push this in the right direction.

Ros

[Ros]

I've had a go. Hmm.

[ray miller]

You needed space and it listened, the universe, to you.

That makes it a lot clearer to me, though I don't think you need "the universe". "needed space" is good.

There's a change in tense, pressed, seeps, drops, but perhaps that's as it should be.

[NotQuiteSure]

Ros
Apologies, but I think that this has gone badly wrong (except for the excellent ending),
and I think the problem lies in
(a)[tab][/tab]L1/2 'matter' - given that arguably neither dark energy/matter is 'matter', and
(b)[tab][/tab]S3/S4. Their only purpose seems to be to make up the numbers (68/27)
If dark e/m is a metaphor, then I'm not understanding it.
(c)[tab][/tab]dark e/m changes the volume in which N searches, but not the amount of matter (5%).

I don't know if this will help, but I used it to try and clarify my thoughts on the piece:

Of this I am certain. There is mass in the universe,
and gravity holds us all together.

Yet the expansion of the universe has not been slowing,
as predicted, but accelerating.

Attraction and explanation stumbling over something
unexpected in the dark.

A new form of matter, a different sort of energy.
invisible in all but its effects.

But there is still normal matter, if so small a part
could have that label. Less than five percent.

I can search in five percent,
of this I am certain.

Regards, Not

[Ros]

Thanks, Ray - glad it's a bit clearer for you.

Thanks for coming back, Not. I agree that part makes up the numbers - but making up the numbers is important, or the 5% is meaningless. The metaphor is that the narrator is only finding echoes of themselves in it. But I'd agree this isn't there yet!

Ros

[bjondon]

This new version feels like a completely different poem with some wonderful things in it (I will never hear anyone say they 'need space' without wondering how much leeway dark energy will give them) but I feel drawn back to the original.

I was a fan of 'One thing is certain' . . . it seems like the foundation stone of this train of thought, someone in acute distresss lying there in the dark trying to make these little steps of apparent reason, part safety blanket, part genuinely projecting their mind into the far reaches of the known/unknown universe. That first statement about gravity and matter coming together is also, we realize later, about humans coming together. The next panickingly long line/sentence is as much driven by anxiety as logic. But the N keeps going. There is great courage and determination in arriving at that last five per cent. It's just that middle bit!

In theory there is a simple arc of intertwined logic and emotion somewhere just over the horizon. The science, even if it is soft science needs to be just about credible. Was it celebrated physicist and educator Richard Feynman who said "Shut up and do the maths" i.e. any post-1900 attempt to describe the physical universe in words was doomed to failure. But then he wasn't a poet!

J

[Ros]

It's always the middle bit! (unless it's the end bit). I wonder if I can get away with no middle bit? I think you're right, Julian, I've lost the feel of the original. I'm trying to keep it really simple, while not stretching the science too far.

Feynmann was great.

Ros

[Macavity]

Hi Ros,
There is much I enjoyed in the read - the definite opening, the use of percentages, the tone. Personally, I would drop the 'confines' of well, and use the white space and - perhaps - italicize normal.

best

mac

Of this I am certain. That the universe is full of matter
and gravity pulls all matter together.

That the expansion of the universe has not been slowing,
as predicted, but accelerating. You needed space

and it listened, the universe, to you. Its sixty eight percent
dark energy pressed matter’s walls, easing them apart.

Dark matter, twenty seven percent, seeps through the gaps, drops
like echoes...

The rest is normal matter, if so small a part could have that label.
Less than five percent.

I can search in five percent.

[Ros]

Good thoughts, mac, thank you.

Ros

[David]

It hasn't changed a lot - apart from the insertion of "You needed space / and it listened, the universe, to you", which is excellent - so I still like it.

But I'm not sure that excellent phrase is in the right phrase. It doesn't, quite, seem to fit into the poem at all.

I can almost see it as a new and better title instead. No?

Cheers

David

[Ros]

It's a thought, David. I agree it doesn't really fit in the poem, at least not without changing it too much. I'm still struggling with my dark matter, however.

Ros

[bodkin]

Of this I am certain. That the universe is full of matter Colon instead of fullstop? Lose the "that"?
and gravity pulls all matter together. Don't repeat "matter" so soon? "things" or just "all together"?

That the expansion of the universe has not been slowing, You need this "that" if you need that "that" but you could go with neither "that"...
as predicted, but accelerating. You needed space

and it listened, the universe, to you. Its sixty eight percent How about going into the present tense here "listens" ... "pressing" ?
dark energy pressed matter’s walls, easing them apart.

Dark matter, twenty seven percent, seeps through the gaps, drops Does it drop? We mostly see it as spin...
like echoes in a well.

The rest is normal matter, if so small a part could have that label. Lost the "matter"... "The rest is normal" is a great clause.
Less than five percent. Don't have this a separate sentence, make clause on preceding?

I can search in five percent. Nice. "The" instead of "in"?

I think this is much more there now. Maybe just needing one final edit/tighten?

Ian

[Ros]

Thanks, Ian. I was keeping the repeats of matter on purpose to make the language flatter, but perhaps it isn't necessary. We seem to see dark matter mainly through gravitational effects, but I'm finding it hard to make that a metaphor. Will experiment with your changes.

Ros