The Boldness of London
The Boldness of London.
STOP. GO. WALK. WAIT.
So much pointless anguish,
on such a pointless place
So keep your Eyes and your Domes
do with them what you will,
for you gain no real insight,
from these structures made of steel.
Look away,
while your children play,
on your priceless Marble Arch.
a diluted farce,
regulated sparseness.
tickets to live, tickets to drive
together we walk, together we buy,
tickets to come , tickets to stay
together we cry, together we sway
So sway us,
sway the motion of our broken beating hearts,
tell us right from wrong,
tell us short from long,
tell us how to live.
tell me what you think,and can anyone tell what i was trying to do with the "tickets, together" thing i need to see if its noticeable
cheers for your help
james
The boldness of London
I think you could have stuck to your sense of frustration and disgust without the rhetorical questions in the last verse. You seemed to be letting the object of your derision off too lightly, when you really should have gone for the KO. That's how I see it.
The 'tickets' verse - The rhythm of an underground train?
cheers
The 'tickets' verse - The rhythm of an underground train?
cheers
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Ray Trivedi
Wellcumin! Wellcumin!
Barrie's got a point about derision.
As a former resident of Laudanium, I, too, have little laudative to offer.
a reader like myself might find the first line being the same as the title a tad irritating. How about 'London' as the title?
I like the second stanza, but, on a moot point, is the Dome made of steel?
Barrie's got a point about derision.
As a former resident of Laudanium, I, too, have little laudative to offer.
a reader like myself might find the first line being the same as the title a tad irritating. How about 'London' as the title?
I like the second stanza, but, on a moot point, is the Dome made of steel?
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jamesconlon88
- Posts: 14
- Joined: Sat Apr 30, 2005 6:51 pm
Hey
Cheers for the advice, I think a change of title might be a good idea. Is the dome made of steel? cor blimey thats a point..
google manages to remain unspecific but i always thought the huge yellow spokes were steel, any construction workers feel happy to prove me wrong. The "tickets together" was supposed to echo the "tick tock" of a clock but I guess it isnt clear enough (though making it clearer may be hard) The idea was taking one of our universe's most fundamental elements (time) and place it into the consideration of London. The tick tock should bring the idea of a clock and with that an image of Big Ben, demonstrating how the city of london seems to be able to dominate even the simplest elements of our existence.
cheers for all the advice, I think ill get a bit of a rewrite on it
james
Cheers for the advice, I think a change of title might be a good idea. Is the dome made of steel? cor blimey thats a point..
google manages to remain unspecific but i always thought the huge yellow spokes were steel, any construction workers feel happy to prove me wrong. The "tickets together" was supposed to echo the "tick tock" of a clock but I guess it isnt clear enough (though making it clearer may be hard) The idea was taking one of our universe's most fundamental elements (time) and place it into the consideration of London. The tick tock should bring the idea of a clock and with that an image of Big Ben, demonstrating how the city of london seems to be able to dominate even the simplest elements of our existence. cheers for all the advice, I think ill get a bit of a rewrite on it
james