The Train From Here to There

[diva of reality]

Ladies and Gentlemen
This train will be diverted
Due to a fatality on the track at Hucknall

Conversations stop for a moment
Then renew with a fevered buzz
Speculation is rife
Was it an accident, was it suicide
Another sacrifice to the Gods of Depression perhaps
Or just a lonely soul who had had enough of their loneliness

The train winds around the track
Taking us on a new journey
Different sights from both sides
Unknown stations whizzed past

But still the conversations go on
Questioning the incident

Nottingham looms, destination reached
A bit late but we are still here
Unlike the fatality at Hucknall
We are still here

[AshleyD]

HAHAHA this was funny. After seeing the title I knew it would be a quirky sort of poem, just the type I enjoy!

I liked the way tone of the beginning stanza, really grabbed my attention in a fast sort of way. The idea, for me, was spot on- just what I was hoping for.

L8 and L9 seem sort of abstract for my taste, 'lonely' seems a very general concept- I think it would have worked better had you described an abandoned carriage, or something more CONCRETE.

I liked "fevered buzz", I think this is a nice bit of description, I don't think L4 is as strong though. The word 'rife' doesn't match the tone of the poem for me. I think I understand the meaning, but it seems sort of out of place to me.. doesn't flow as fluidly as the rest.

Other than those bits I thought it was really fun! I think some pruning would give more strength to your message, cutting "But" from S4 L1, for example. Maybe some punctuation and line breaks could also add some impact to the effect?

This poem made me think of Adrienne Rich's "Diving Into The Wreck", I really enjoyed it!

Hope this helps,
Cheers,
AShley.

[diva of reality]

Thanks for the feedback Ashley. All my poetry is emotive and based on overheards, actuals and life issues. The announcement is a real one from one of my daily into work journeys.

I have to admit, I don't write in a measured way, and agree that a couple of lines could do with tidying and tightening up.

Tracey

[barrie]

Hello and welcome to the forum, dor.

THe first verse would look better with speech marks, after all it's being anounced (pity we can't capture the speech impediments that seems to be a prerequisite for railway announcers).

'Speculation is rife
Was it an accident, was it suicide' - Question marks?

'Speculation is rife
Was it an accident? - Maybe suicide.' - just a suggestion.

'Another sacrifice to the Gods of Depression perhaps
Or just a lonely soul who had had enough of their loneliness' -

There seems to be a bit of a contradiction here. The first line implies the suicide, yet the second line begins with with 'or' and still goes on with same implication. Why not -

'Another sacrifice to the Gods of Depression perhaps,
or just a fatal trip.'

This implies both suggested possibilities - suicide or accident.

You get your ideas across without complication which is always a good thing - Just be wary of cliched phrases like 'lonely soul' or 'whizzed' past, always try to come up with a new way of saying old phrases.

Good first post - look forward to more.

Barrie

BTW - Don't forget to post a couple of crits on other posters stuff. It's two crits per poem posted, but more would be most welcome. You'll probably find that you'll get more replies that way.

[mick]

Hi. I quite liked "Lonely soul who had had enough of their loneliness", and think it fits well with the suicide idea, but think it would be improved by omitting the "Or just". I like the idea of the ending too....Yep - there's always some poor b**** who must feel worse than you!
Thanks for the posting.
Post more please.

[barrie]

My point was that
'Or just a lonely soul who had had enough of their loneliness'
implies a suicide. But it follows -
'Another sacrifice to the Gods of Depression perhaps' - Which also implies suicide. The word 'or' indicates an alternative, which in this case is an accident - as stated in an earlier verse. Suicide or suicide is not much of an alternative really, that's why I suggested a change.

Barrie

[diva of reality]

I suppose the point I was trying to make was that there are many different reasons for suicide, lonliness does not necessarily equal depresion and vice versa. Inceidentally the poor chap turned out to be a normal everyday person who had had too much to drink and gone to sleep in the wrong place.

[anniecat]

Hi, I thought it was a great fun read and came across well. "Poor chap!
It's amazing how everyday events can help us in our creativity, you know what i mean, not just dreams or fancys. AC