Boy in Brown

[bennyboy]

Boy in brown

They called his name
From east to south,
But there he lay
On the western bank
Coughing, spluttering, muttering, wondering
about the hum and the drum and the tongue
of london town all around
Not a sound just a frown,
for the boy as he lay on the ground,
drowned by the lights of london town.



I dunno, my first post here, wrote it last night. My friends would laugh if they saw it so here i am

[ccvulture]

Lyrical. Thinly disguised. Objectifying a personal experience, ergo nice effort.

Welcome by the way. I'm not a mod., but they will tell you to comment on other people's postings along the way, if you want to stick around. Hope you will

Nice city, this place.

Stu

[Yesterday]

nice poem...

it is well written...

personally the rhyme grates me, the second part's rhyme is too much... perhapos try to change the rhyme or get rid of it completely...

i do like 'drowned by the lights of london town'

tell me im full of it...


the thing about freinds seeing your work... ahwel... mine would laugh at mine too... but i'm used to it ...

keep writing

[bennyboy]

Yeh I see what you mean, im not sure if im going in the right direction with this rhyming business like...

good girl, I see my love my lust
it tears my heart to know I must
decline tonight, sit by and sigh
while others stand and wonder why.

[vesuvius]

My friends like reading my poetry. (when im writing any!) I think people underestimate others. Show people, you'll be surprised

[Robert]

Hey Benny. I like it. Add a few more lines and a chorus and it would make a great song. Listen to Shane McGowan or Jarvis Cocker.

Nice One.

[twoleftfeet]

Benny,

I think this would make a better lyric than a poem.
It's hard for me to enthuse about it, as I think London is a shithole....

Geoff

[bennyboy]

Benny,

It's hard for me to enthuse about it, as I think London is a shithole....

Geoff

That was kinda the idea,the boy lying on the side of the thames trying to get a way from form everything for a little while
"drowned by the lights of london town" = its all gotten too much for him

[kozmikdave]

Gidday

Mate, they've all got you pegged as a songwriter. Can understand it. Been watching the comments on this one. Like Stu, I'm not a moderator, but don't you think you could start commenting on other people's work? It only takes a few minutes and helps to focus you for your next poem.

Geoff, I like London (mostly) - it's one of the most impressive cities in the world. I often have to pinch myself to make sure I'm really there. But then again, I'm always pissed when I visit. Roll out the barrels for June.

Cheers
Dave

[camus]

"I wander through each chartered street,
Near where the chartered Thames does flow,
And mark in every face I meet,
Marks of weakness, marks of woe."

"I wander lonely streets
Behind where the old Thames does flow
And in every face I meet
Reminds me of what I have run from"

Blakey or The Verve, your choice.

I find it funny you called it London TOWN for rhymes sake. People living there call it London Village - Hilarious...

Keep posting.

Cheers
Kris

[twoleftfeet]

London Village?
It's just a tad over-populated for a village, but looking on the bright side
- down at Wetminster we've got dozens of Village Idiots.

[camus]

"London Village?"

That was kinda the "joke" Geoff - are you losing your sense of humour in the face of metropolicy?

[twoleftfeet]

Kris,

I try to retain my sense of humour, but I guess I'm losing it, period!

[bennyboy]

He sat alone on the humble mount,
looking down on all above,
the birds the heards the streams the trees
that grazed upon the open earth.
They stood and laughed
mocked at will
but the sky it wept
for the boy on the hill


and...


Numbed by the toils of scotsmen past,
calous words spilt from his mouth
like the golden necter spilt from his glass,
both held by a trembling hand
first one, then the other
as he lay on the cold ground

[bennyboy]

Gone too far

you glance at me
i know that look
your face is wide,
an open book.
fraught emotions flow within
those veins protrude
beneath your skin
flaring up with every word
you turn away
like you never heard
but still i see the pain inside
those darker feelings
you tend to hide
they scream and kick and shout and ball
an i alone can heed their call

[kozmikdave]

Gidday Bennyboy

It is usual to post poems separately. For each poem you post, you should have commented on at least two other poems.

So far you have posted 5 times and they have all been your own poems. It is not good etiquette to allow everyone else to comment on your poems without giving anything back in return. What makes this such a good site, is the fact that people are prepared to give you help and encouragement.

You would have read the rules of the forum when you first joined. They are pretty clear, and for some reason you are choosing to ignore them.

Dave

[bennyboy]

Ok sorry, its just that everyones poems are so daunting and it usual takes me ages to come to terms with them. And im doing my gcse's at the moment so all coursework and stuff is mounting up, but yeah no excuse Ill make an effort

[kozmikdave]

Cool

Start small - try lyrics if poems too daunting - or pick short poems in beginners. I still find it hard to say anything mildly intelligent, so you should have no problems.

Good luck with your GCSE's. You must be doing modules to be this busy at this time of year. We're finished for the year in Aus.

Cheers
Dave

[bennyboy]

Well I was lazy last year so its all coming back on me now